Mama- you Don’t Get a Do-Over

Mama! This world is hard, unkind, and cruel! You do not get a do-over. Your babies will grow up. They will become a part of this world. They will become independent thinkers of this hard society we find ourselves living in. I cannot go back in time... Oh how I wish I could! You see, I was a young, immature and a very lonely mama who thought I had to prove to the world I could actually be a mom and raise good kids! Wrong! I had nothing to prove to anyone. 

If I could go back in time I would have daily reminded my children God made them for a purpose. I would worry less about trying to raise perfect obedient children and worry more about raising happy/kind/respectful children who knew their worth. (I’m not saying my kids aren’t those things now, I’m saying my focus at the time was off) 

You can raise children to be obedient without being so stressed about looking perfect in the eyes of this harsh world. The problem is we fear judgement of other moms, family members, church members, anyone honestly that might do it better than us! 

I craved other moms to help me along the way, but when you are a mom at 19, you kinda find yourself alone in the journey for quite a while. (I was blessed to have family support, but you still crave and need other moms your age). When I did find other moms, my kids were older and the moms were older and well, honestly; I could never help but feel judged. 

It wasn’t until my kids became teenagers and practically out of the house that I realized I had done this motherhood thing all wrong! It was then I realized, I wasn’t getting a do-over! 

My saving grace for my children will ALWAYS be in the foundation of Jesus! You see, I have always loved my children way more than anything in this world. Honestly, it took the death of my forth child for me to realize I put my kids even above God! That journey made me see, they are HIS! No matter what mistakes I might make, no matter what mistakes they might make, they are HIS! 

Stop comparing yourself to other moms! Stop judging yourself AND other moms! God created YOU to be your children’s mother! Smile more/ laugh more/ play more... if I could go back in time... I sure would! 

More than anything, let the idea of perfection go. Be the mom God has created you to be, not the mom you think the world is telling you to be.

As my children become adults, my prayer life has strengthened more than I could have imagined. God has reminded me over and over that He created each one of them for His purpose and His Glory, in His timing. He will use them for great things. Despite what is going on in the world.  Despite the things I wish I could have taught my children when they were younger. Despite the moments I feel like I missed out on. He can and WILL use them!!! My biggest prayer now is that God will fill the gap. He will fill their heart with every question this world may throw at them. When the enemy attacks, I pray my children know in their very soul where to turn. Turn to Jesus. Open your bible. Turn to the one that will never change and despite all that is going on, Jesus remains! Fall at the feet of the cross ❤️

Happy 11th Birthday Bethany

Childbirth is raw, messy,  intense and unimaginable beauty woven together. It is more than you imagine you can bare until you are in the moment. In that moment, no matter how intense or how unimaginably hard; you know it is all for your baby. The baby you have carried safe inside of you for 9 months. The baby you have dreamed of and longed for. This! This moment is all worth it...
Now, imagine waiting 9 months to hold your child. 9 months feeling your child move, hick-up and kick you in your ribs. Imagine it all being for nothing... The shear power and strength it takes to go through hours of labor knowing my baby isn’t coming home with me, well that kind of pain is simply indescribable. The raw and real moments that should have been filled with joy are now etched in my memory with moments of tears, sorrow and the deepest sadness I’ve ever experienced.
You just can’t experience this type of sorrow, the magnitude of this kind of loss,  and ever be the same. I will never be the same.
I was once full of life. I was once able to live free and laugh and play with my children with no limitations. I loved being a mom. I knew how to be a mom full of joy, life and laughter until this moment.
Bethany’s death changed me in ways I never imagined. I lost a piece of me that I thought for sure with time would come back... I was wrong! Very, very wrong.
Grief changes people to the very depths of their souls. I’m reserved in ways I never used to be. I guard my heart and my family closer than I probably should. Yes, I’m way overprotective of my other children, but don’t ask me not  to be... I still have them, I have to be! I’m forever changed.
I love deeply. Deeper than I knew I could. You see, even on my good days, not an hour goes by I don’t wonder what she would be like during this age or season of her life. I will always feel as my other children age and experience life, I’m missing these moments with Bethany. Yes, I’ve moved on, but I will never get over her death. It changed me; greatly! You can’t just ask a mother who held her child yet knew that child was already gone to just get over them. There is no cure this side of Heaven for this type of brokenness.
Yes, I am forever changed, forever guarded, and forever going to long for the day I see my sweet girl again; however, not all change is bad. To know unspeakable heartbreak and sorrow also means I know unspeakable joy!
God rescued me and brought me joy I never saw coming. Falling to God on my knees in my complete and humble brokenness has taught me to trust Him in ways I never dreamed. This life is not and will not always be easy, but God!
Joy will come in the morning! Maybe not always the next morning, but it will come! So, yes, it was all worth it, just to know her!

Happy 11th Birthday Bethany Hope❤️
My forever Angel

Hold on Tight

Oh mama, when they say you will miss this moment, it is hard to imagine just how much you truly will. You see, because in this moment, you are so much more than just in this moment. 

Looking back at this moment…I wish I could bottle it up. I wish I could hold them and squeeze them and be in this moment again. I wish I could go back in this moment and love them so fiercely with everything in me…but the truth…the truth is…

In this moment…I was exhausted. I was often running on fumes. I was faking it to make it and if all of them sleeping right on top of me meant we actually got sleep, then so be it; at least we slept! 

Looking back, I can see that I rarely wore make up when they were little. My time, moments and energy were completely consumed with them, and I although I was physically drained half of the time, I so wish I truly understood how fast the time really went. 

Oh sweet mama! Hold on just a little tighter when she ask for just one more good night hug. 

Oh sweet mama! Read that story again and again when he begs for the millionth time. 

Play barbies, make tents, get messy, laugh and BE SILLY! 

Oh mama, how you long for a moment of quiet and yet one day you will crave for a house of noise again. 

And oh, sweet mama, please look past what the world tells you is the perfect mother and simply look into the eyes of your precious children and love them with everything you have inside you. 

Never forget that jealously and comparison will steal your joy and moments you could be having with YOUR babies.

For you see, one day they will no longer ask for the story to be read and they will no longer cry or linger to sleep next to your warm embrace. 

One day…all too soon, oh sweet mama, one day…. Those moments will be memories. 

Too often I wish I could go back and freeze time. I wish I could laugh for hours and tell myself in these moments to just let go of every…single…insecurity…I thought I had. I wish I go back and tell myself that one day, one day I will walk by their empty rooms and pray God is watching over them. Pray that I taught them to follow Him in everything they do. Pray that with every mistake I made, that just maybe I taught them to cling to Jesus and love others. 

You see, these moments are so much more precious than we know. Today and each moment we are gifted is just that, a gift! I know all too well that my children are His. 

Hold on tight and create memories to last a lifetime. 

For you see mama, tomorrow may never come, today is a gift…Use it! Make memories you will never forget. Yes, the days can be long and the nights can be restless, but one day those little fingers will wean from your hands and I pray it’s the hands of Jesus they fall into.  

MORE of you

I am my own WORST enemy. You see, I have often already failed at something before I have even started. Not because I might not be able to do it, but because of the words I have allowed to enter my head, have filled my mind with so much fear and self-doubt, that I have already failed before I have even started!

You get my point!

Years ago, I realized that having any kind of New Year’s resolution was a complete waste of time. I would set out to make myself a goal or something I wanted to change and then I allowed fear and self-doubt to keep me from achieving said goal. I honestly never felt like I was good at anything.

I would vow to be a better mom because I would compare myself to the so called perfect, have it ALL together Pinterest moms I would see around me. By January 2^nd I was yelling at my kiddos, the house was a mess and laundry was pouring into the hallway and seeping out the doors…Yep; I’m not that mom!

I would vow to read my bible more, be a better house wife, better teacher, better friend, or best yet; to get in shape…NOTHING EVER WENT MY WAY!

You see, we all Vow to make the annual New Year’s Resolution. In some way, we vow that we will change our ways, eat better and all around get healthy. We ultimately make a vow to change.

Although these things in and of themselves are not bad goals, they will never bring the change our heart desires for eternal satisfaction.

We need more. More than just a New Year’s Resolution that may or not get lost in the Chaos of life.  

So often, more than I want to admit, I plan my life out and then wonder where God is. I seek control in the midst of heartache. I fear I will never be good enough and I allow self-doubt to take over every thought and emotion running through my body.

These specific fears have often lead me to the verse, Ephesians 3:20:

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.”

My word this year is, MORE.  I want more of Him and less of me. I want more of Him in every aspect of my life. In my marriage, my home, my job! Without pause, without Him, I am nothing!

I don’t know about you, but I need Him. I am honestly a hot mess almost daily without the saving grace of my Savior.

If more of Him means less of me
Take ev'rything!
All of Him is all I need
Take ev'rything!

I want eternal satisfaction. I want a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. I want More of Him, THAT is the real change I am seeking. It is the one thing I can do in my life that will last for an Eternity.

You see, tomorrow is never promised and today is a gift. I want to let God use me

RIGHT WHERE I AM… Scary, I know!

God will use you in your mess. He will use you in your brokenness. No change, goal or plan can ever compare to the life God has in store for you when you simple follow Him.

Silence the lies…

I will never measure up…. He is More than enough.

I am not perfect…He is Perfect.

I will never be good enough…He is MORE than enough!!!

This world will quickly pull you in to the surface and fill your head with lies from every angle you turn. From social media, to magazine racks to the girl next door, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are not defined by the girl sitting next to you or what you may or may not be wearing. Too often we jump to changing something about ourselves to measure up to the standards of the world and then we crash and burn when we can’t meet the word’s expectations.

Well, how about turning to God instead?

Break free of the bondage from fear, self-doubt or whatever it is that was creating the need for change in the first place.

When you have nothing left….Turn to God

When you feel you have failed…God is more

When you feel you will never measure up…He is Always more than enough!

Oh Lord, I am so unworthy. Thank you for being so much more than I deserve!

Ten-year Challenge

Ten-year Challenge

2009

2019

In some ways 10 years ago seems like a life time ago, and in other ways it seems like yesterday. When I saw the ten-year challenge begin to circulate, of course I got interested in how much I had changed; however, I didn’t realize just how much this ten-year challenge would really affect me.  

Have I changed…yes, but it wasn’t so much the physical appearance that bothered me. As I began to think about where my life was ten years ago, I realized just how different my life was. You see, ten years ago I had three small children and I was pregnant with Bethany. In my own perfect world, I was living my own fairy tale.  As a little girl the only thing I ever dreamed of being was a wife and mommy. I had no clue how fast my fairy tale would come crashing down around me just ten years ago.

At times, my mind can’t fathom it has even been ten years. I have learned to overcome unimaginable hurt and heartache with the grace of my Savior. I have battled the deepest darkest depression and learned to use my darkest hours for the glory of God. Most days I see God’s never-ending love and grace reminding me that He pulled me from that darkness and into His light.

And then, sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.

Sometimes the walls come crashing down. Sometimes it’s all just TOO much.

Sometimes my heart races so fast, I can’t breathe and I feel like I might explode.

This is Grief.

This is hard, messy, unpredictable and exhausting.

I wish I could say that I have always grieved well, but unfortunately, I haven’t. I honestly never knew my heart could ache so deeply. I failed my husband and my other children terribly as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. At some point through my grieving process, I felt like God literally had to bring me to my knees where I felt like I had absolutely nothing left but him. I hated hearing that grief takes time because there really is no time to grief when you love someone that deeply. You see, I would have told you I was doing great until that grief hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I am learning to give myself grace. I am learning that I am not enough by myself to endure what I have been through or the pain that comes with it. You can’t force yourself to stop loving someone or to just get over them, but God is enough. God is more than enough. I need Him more today, than I did yesterday or even ten years ago! He is more than enough than any obstacle I will ever face.

This May Bethany would be ten. My memory haunts me of what was and what could have been. I see her tiny face and imagine and dream of all she could have been.

The truth is, time will never escape her memory, her birthday and the moments I will never get to have. No amount of time could ever make me forget that I have four children. NO amount of healing will heal the scar left on my heart.   But God… God can heal my heart and comfort my unexpected grief. He takes me into His arms to hold, comfort and cry when the storms are too strong.

So, the biggest change in ten years….

All four of my children got to be in the first picture with me, and now, one will always remain in my heart until we are united again in Heaven.

The other change, God found me, He rescued me, and He changed me. Before Bethany died, I lived a very self-centered life. I wanted more kids, I wanted the Fairy tale, I wanted a Perfect family…. I was so desperate for the things of this world that I wanted, that I lost track of living my life for Him and seeing the good things I had.  I went into a very dark depression and lost a piece of myself. I honestly didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to be a mom or wife anymore. The life I had so desperately craved felt a million miles away. God brought me crashing down until I had nowhere else to turn. I can still remember sitting on my bathroom floor with my bible open and tears hitting the pages. I didn’t even know where to start and my eyes were too swollen to even read, but I opened my bible and I prayed. I prayed for God to rescue me and heal my family that I had pushed so far away.

Over time…He did. He gave me JOY when I thought I would never smile again. He gave me Hope when I thought I would never feel again.

You are more than your grief. You are more than you know.

Today may be hard, but Joy comes in the morning!