Ten-year Challenge

Ten-year Challenge

2009

2019

In some ways 10 years ago seems like a life time ago, and in other ways it seems like yesterday. When I saw the ten-year challenge begin to circulate, of course I got interested in how much I had changed; however, I didn’t realize just how much this ten-year challenge would really affect me.  

Have I changed…yes, but it wasn’t so much the physical appearance that bothered me. As I began to think about where my life was ten years ago, I realized just how different my life was. You see, ten years ago I had three small children and I was pregnant with Bethany. In my own perfect world, I was living my own fairy tale.  As a little girl the only thing I ever dreamed of being was a wife and mommy. I had no clue how fast my fairy tale would come crashing down around me just ten years ago.

At times, my mind can’t fathom it has even been ten years. I have learned to overcome unimaginable hurt and heartache with the grace of my Savior. I have battled the deepest darkest depression and learned to use my darkest hours for the glory of God. Most days I see God’s never-ending love and grace reminding me that He pulled me from that darkness and into His light.

And then, sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.

Sometimes the walls come crashing down. Sometimes it’s all just TOO much.

Sometimes my heart races so fast, I can’t breathe and I feel like I might explode.

This is Grief.

This is hard, messy, unpredictable and exhausting.

I wish I could say that I have always grieved well, but unfortunately, I haven’t. I honestly never knew my heart could ache so deeply. I failed my husband and my other children terribly as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. At some point through my grieving process, I felt like God literally had to bring me to my knees where I felt like I had absolutely nothing left but him. I hated hearing that grief takes time because there really is no time to grief when you love someone that deeply. You see, I would have told you I was doing great until that grief hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I am learning to give myself grace. I am learning that I am not enough by myself to endure what I have been through or the pain that comes with it. You can’t force yourself to stop loving someone or to just get over them, but God is enough. God is more than enough. I need Him more today, than I did yesterday or even ten years ago! He is more than enough than any obstacle I will ever face.

This May Bethany would be ten. My memory haunts me of what was and what could have been. I see her tiny face and imagine and dream of all she could have been.

The truth is, time will never escape her memory, her birthday and the moments I will never get to have. No amount of time could ever make me forget that I have four children. NO amount of healing will heal the scar left on my heart.   But God… God can heal my heart and comfort my unexpected grief. He takes me into His arms to hold, comfort and cry when the storms are too strong.

So, the biggest change in ten years….

All four of my children got to be in the first picture with me, and now, one will always remain in my heart until we are united again in Heaven.

The other change, God found me, He rescued me, and He changed me. Before Bethany died, I lived a very self-centered life. I wanted more kids, I wanted the Fairy tale, I wanted a Perfect family…. I was so desperate for the things of this world that I wanted, that I lost track of living my life for Him and seeing the good things I had.  I went into a very dark depression and lost a piece of myself. I honestly didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to be a mom or wife anymore. The life I had so desperately craved felt a million miles away. God brought me crashing down until I had nowhere else to turn. I can still remember sitting on my bathroom floor with my bible open and tears hitting the pages. I didn’t even know where to start and my eyes were too swollen to even read, but I opened my bible and I prayed. I prayed for God to rescue me and heal my family that I had pushed so far away.

Over time…He did. He gave me JOY when I thought I would never smile again. He gave me Hope when I thought I would never feel again.

You are more than your grief. You are more than you know.

Today may be hard, but Joy comes in the morning!

Crisis Mode

I guess you could say that my hospital stay was anything but pleasant, eventful yes, pleasant; no! I did not sleep much the night before surgery, I guess you could say my mind was a little frazzled. The got me into a room rather quickly and began the pre-op regimen. You know; IV, blood pressure, hospital bracelet, and a million questions. I honestly felt like I was on trial.

It was not long before I was rolled into the hallway and we were on our way. The doctor asked me how old my little boy was.  Brayson had come to love on me before surgery, I answered and that was the last thing I remember. I don’t even know when he gave me something to knock me out. Sneaky, Scary!

I was then curled up in a ball in agonizing pain looking at a nurse and asking why my stomach hurt so bad. Like I was crazy, she looked up at me and said, “Honey, you just had surgery.”

“I did?”… I was confused, shocked, and in some serious pain. It was over, just like that I went from a hallway to a recovery room and the healing could begin…or so I thought.

I believe they gave me some pretty good pain killers in recovery, because I only vaguely remember making it to my room and then sleeping for several hours. Once I woke up my moments of sleep and pain relief were gone. 

The rest of the day I hurt, I prayed for relief. The day came and went. My nurse promised me I would rest well that night, my body had been through so much.

Well, due to some miscommunication and a nurse error, my night was horrific!

Imagine this:

A very full bladder, gauze inside your body to stop the bleeding, and NOT being able to use the restroom. I am really not sure there is a word to describe the amount of pain I felt. I cried out in tears, sobbing for relief, praying for help, and yet nothing.  I felt as though I might explode…it really was horrific.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours. I was exhausted. My hands clung to the side of my bed and my heart cried out to Jesus. I prayed for help in desperation. I prayed for Him to relieve the pain, I prayed for rest.

Psalm 62:1-2 “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”

As I sat there I began to really question and think. Why do we have to hit our potential rock bottom before we cry out to the Lord?  Do we really have to hit crisis mode to realize we actually need Him that much.

I began to question my daily walk with Christ. Can you just imagine how magnificent our spiritual walk would be if we had the same passion we do in a crisis mode in everyday life?

WOW. It really made me thankful. Thankful for a God that loves me enough to rescue me in the moments of need and yet love me through the everyday as well.

My goal, my desire is to crave such a passion for Jesus Christ that I want to cry out for Him daily; crisis or not.

Pain is only temporary and this too will pass. My faith and trust in Jesus Christ is forever! I am FOREVER blessed. 

Guidance

I have not really blogged in a few weeks. I went from subbing to working full time and it has been a big adjustment. The truth is, I have so much on my mind and yet the words to express it just don't seem to be there.

I feel a little empty to tell the truth. I feel so lost and confused about where my life is going and all the new changes in my life. My new job is great and I feel so blessed that God has opened the door for a job and yet it is challenging. I already feel like I have made a million mistakes. I also know that mistakes allow you to grow, so; I'm trying to grow!

I still struggle with working full time. It just never seems like there are enough hours in the day. Church, cooking, cleaning, baseball, dance, bills, etc; when does it all get done?

I have been so hard on myself because I just can't seem to get it all together. I seem to fail daily! I tell myself to get up earlier to get stuff at home done, but my body is so beat that I just can't. I often wonder if I was cut out for this? How do other moms do it? I am beginning to think there really are a lot of real life super moms out there.

Working in pre-K, I am surrounded by 4 and 5 year olds all day long. I watch their carefree spirit and energy bounce throughout the day as if nothing else in the world mattered. They live day to day and moment to moment and I often find myself envious.

When did life get so complicated? So hard? Why can't it really be as carefree as children make it appear?

I find myself way too often feeling like I am dying just to get by and wondering what I am going to mess up next. I pray so often for God to get me through the day and yet maybe that is the problem.

I think I am praying for God to let me survive; get through the moment. Maybe there is more? In fact, I know there is more. God never intended for us to live a life just surviving and waiting to sink at any moment. He wants so much more for us. I think instead of praying to get by, I should be praying for guidance and wisdom. Wisdom to deal with the unexpected hard days that will always come and guidance to balance a schedule that seems impossible.

The impossible is only impossible when we do it alone. Change is hard, it always has been. I feel like I have lost friends, schedules, and a lot of time since I started working, but I never lost God. I have been a wife and mom for so long, that I often thought it was the only thing I was good at. I knew this transition would be hard, but I think I temporarily forgot that I am not alone.

 I never will be.

I am blessed beyond belief to work with amazing people and mentors daily. I know that God has great plans for me. It is time to let go and simply follow and trust that He will guide me in the right direction.

Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!!!

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalms 55:22

My feet are throbbing and my body aches. My head is spinning and I am not sure which end is up. My children may or may not have the right lunch, and the laundry is piling up faster than I can blink. I'm running out the door with a shoe in my hand and my sanity lost in the chaos. I'm running in circles through a round-a-bout ; with no end in sight!

Breathe Amy....breathe.....

I'm not sure what is for dinner, or if eating is even a necessity as this point. When did I go from manageable to twilight zone? Everything I have been wanting and praying for is finally here, and now I am a walking disaster.  I'm crashing and burning faster than my feet can hit the floor.

Child locked out of house......I locked the door!

Breakfast....burned.

Sandwich for lunch..... minus the meat.

Noodles for dinner....burned.

Water bill....late.

Doctors appointment....forgot.

Sanity......WAY GONE!

I am so excited to finally be subbing, and yet I began to wonder if I can do this? Can I really work full time, and still be a mom, and a wife? How do people do this??? So, as I'm running through this obstacle of life, and tripping over every barricade in my way, I realize; I'm not running this race alone. Christ is running right beside me holding my hand; caring my load. My life is pulling me in a million different ways, and I took my eyes away from the one direction who can make everything make sense again.

I felt overwhelmed because I tried to do it ALL....I tried to do it alone. 

Yes, I have made about a million mistakes this week as I have transitioned from a stay at home mom to a working mom, but I have also learned a LOT! I have learned that I am not alone, and Christ will pull me through.  Dinner will get made, and laundry will eventually get done.

Life happens, and so often  will change in the blink of an eye. When obstacles arise, we have a choice; continue down the path alone or let Christ take the lead. I know I can do this because Christ will pull me through. He will run the race, and I will follow.

Tonight, I am blessed it is the weekend, and my husband is making dinner! Praise God for simple pleasures!!!

Missing....

Give me this, give me that! Bless me Lord, I pray!

Give me what I think I need to make it through today.

My heart is pounding and my mind is racing with the here and now of what I think will make it all go away. I need a fix; a change. I can't live in this pain, hurt and fear anymore.

I want to burst from this bubble I've imbedded myself in and run from the darkness. I'm suffocating from within. So many days, I let this hurt capture me within my own body, and I feel like a prisoner dying to be set free.

I pray and beg God to make it all go away...give me anything to make it all better. I hate these days. They sneak up on me like a thief in the night. A random smell, place, or memory and BAM...I'm right back to the moment she was born. The moment they placed her in my arms and my world was changed forever!

Two and a half years later, and moments like these make it feel like yesterday. I miss her....I really miss her. There is a part of me that just wants to scream for God to give her back, and then there is that part that knows she is in a way better place.

The crazy thing is; I only held her in my arms for one day. I had one day to dress her, hold her, kiss her, and cuddle her, but I have a  lifetime to love her, and I can't imagine my life without ever having her.  

Through her death, Christ has shown me strength and courage I never wanted to have. I never wanted to put on a brave face. I never wanted to be strong enough to deal with the death of one of my children...I wanted to run. I wanted to run and fade away until there was nothing left, but God wanted more.

He had a plan for me and for her. He knew that through her 37 weeks of life, she would still bring joy and laughter into the world. I was ecstatic to be pregnant with my sweet girl. She brought so much joy into my life, and I loved every minute of being pregnant with her; I only wish I had known...

I wish I had known I was going to have to say good bye the moment I said hello. I wish I could kiss her perfect face just one more time....and yet that is where my joy comes in. I will! I will get to kiss her over and over again when I reach heavens gates, and my heart can't wait!

This world is yet a vapor, and heaven is an ETERNITY....Praise God I WILL see her again!

Loss

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

Why are some things in this life so hard? Just when you feel like you can strongly stand on two feet, the rug is once again ripped out from under you. As you try and catch your breath, you once again try and fathom why so many families have to go through the heartbreak of miscarriage and loss. It's not surprising that any time I hear of someone losing a baby, my heart stops for a split second and my whole body aches so deeply for them. I know the hurt, agony, and pain they are feeling. I know the guilt and questions racing through their mind.

The surprising part is when I get a call and it is someone I know; someone I love. I hate the thought of anyone ever going through this kind of loss, but the reality of it being someone who means so much to me is just killing me. I want to make it better, help, and take away the pain; knowing I can't doing any of those things.

I sat here tonight while my dear friend was at the hospital and I simply re-lived every moment of my miscarriage before Bethany. I was at the same hospital she is at and I could picture everything she was going through because I had also gone through it. I was 13 weeks when I was told my baby had no heartbeat. I was lost and confused.

It is moments like this when it seems so hard to understand Gods plan in the midst of darkness. How can you find joy or goodness when a life you thought you were bringing into this world is suddenly gone? I'm not sure I will every completely understand why miscarriage happens or the pain and suffering that comes along with it. I do however know that If I had not had my miscarriage then I would never had gotten pregnant with Bethany. I know I went on to lose Bethany, but she was still a HUGE gift from God in my life. A gift that has taught me more in the last 2 years then I think I have learned my entire life. A gift the reminds me daily to not take life for granted. A gift that I would not trade for anything in this entire world. A gift I would not have had without the heartache of my first miscarriage.

Sometimes we don't understand why things happen or what God's plan for our life may be, but the truth is;  He has a plan far better than we can imagine. Nothing seems fair about what my friend or any woman who has a miscarriage is going through, but I believe that God can it will use any situation in our life to glorify Him, IF we let Him.

Saying Good-Bye

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good not for disaster, to give you a future and hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I kissed her and said good bye as my heart melted away. I watched as the last of my baby days walked away, and the tears streamed from my eyes. I knew this moment was coming, but my heart did not want to let go. I wanted to hold on forever to that face, that smile, and that little person who has changed my life in so many ways. 

          She was 11 weeks old when she first came into my life. The moment I laid eyes on her, I was in love.  So many people questioned me when I told them I was going to start keeping a newborn. They were scared and nervous that it would be too hard for me after Bethany’s death. I have to admit; there was a part of me that was nervous as well, but I have now learned that God sent this family and precious little girl into my life.  I was still hurting so deeply over Bethany and questing God so much. As I began to watch Bella, I began to imagine what Bethany might have been like and what my life might have been like with her still here. I believe that God sent me Bella to give me a glimpse of what my angel would have been like. I was able to experience all the wonderful adventures of the first year of a baby’s life because they entrusted me with their baby. I know that through Bella I was able to truly heal over Bethany’s death and I can never thank them enough for that gift. 

          I have loved her as if she were my own. I know when she is happy, sad, or getting sick. I know when she is tired, hungry or just cranky. I loved when she would run up to me and give me a hug, bring me a book to read, and most recently say my name. She has a personality that will go miles and a smile that will melt your heart. I have been beyond blessed to have this little girl as a part of my life. 

          As I was packing up all of Bella’s things on Friday, my heart was breaking by the minute. I was emptying my cabinets and house of every last baby item. I am not only saying good bye to Bella, but I am saying good bye to the baby days. No more babies, no more diapers, no more little ones for me to take care of. This part of my life is really over.

          You see; for a long time, I think there was a part of me that thought I could hold on to a piece of Bethany if I had a little one in my house. The truth is; Bethany is gone. No matter what I try and hold onto I cannot go back and experience her life as a baby. I can’t get any moment I want with her because it does not exist. Keeping babies around my house will only prolong my hurting and my healing. It’s time to let go….It’s time to move on. 

          I will never let go of my love for my daughter. I will never let go of her memory or the lessons I have learned through her death. I will always keep her a part of my life and my heart forever, but I can’t keep pretending and wishing she were still here. I have to accept that God has great plans for her memory and for my life from here until Eternity.

          God gave me an amazing gift through Bella. I was able to hold on to a baby I so desperately wanted for a brief period of time. The time is over, and I feel like I just gave back a piece of my heart that was never really mine. 

          “Thank you God for Your gift of love, grace and mercy. Thank you for giving me Bella to allow me to love and smile when I never thought I would again.  Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to keep babies to keep Bethany alive in my heart. Thank you for once again guiding me through another dark road…..”

 My Sweet Bella....

 Good-bye baby days....hello to a new life I know God has in store!

Stressed Out!

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9

To say that life has been Crazy busy lately, and well; just plain CRAZY, would be an understatement. Somewhere over the last few weeks I felt my life slowly spinning out of control and I just can’t seem to catch up.

                Baseball season has kicked off in full swing, and with two boys playing, WOW are we busy. THIS is a good busy. I LOVE going to their games and seeing the excitement on their face as they run from base to base or make a great play. It truly is a BLAST. Although this is a good busy, it still keeps us running around from games and practices almost every night.

                I have just recently finished my Bachelor's degree after going to school for 10 years! WOW, I can’t believe I did it, I FINISHED. I can’t say it was easy. It was really hard to finish my degree and raise a family; something had to give, and it did. I feel like I have not been able to give 100% to my family in so long.  I have my degree, but now I have to take the state certification test, and I AM TERIFIED!!!!!!   I have once again begun studying and reviewing like crazy. I forgot how bad I am at math! As I have begun to study again, I am learning that I can’t do everything and do a good job. I have been feeling like such a failure as a mom lately because I keep forgetting something going on with one of my kids or something I was supposed to send to school. I just can’t get it right these days.

 My brain is so nervous about this test and every spare moment I have is spent studying, that I can’t give 100% to my family right now and it is killing me. On top of all of this added stress, I also have some medical issues going on. If you know me and have noticed that I have lost a lot of weight over the last few months, your right. The crazy thing is; I was not trying to be crazy thin, and yet that is what has happened. In fact, I was not even trying to lose weight; that is when I realized that something was wrong. The good news is that the doctor does not think it is anything serious and we are working to see what is going on. So, prayers are appreciated, but no worries, I’m fine!

                I have been so overwhelmed with stress this week I have practically made myself sick. As I sat down tonight to once again study, I began to think about our sermon from church on Sunday. Our pastor was talking about prayer. He said that when we pray we should expect God to work, and expect something to happen. It really made me start to think. Here I am worried, stressed, practically sick with all of the stress I have put on myself, and all I am doing is telling God that I can’t do all this. I am forgetting that HE is in control, and that He can harvest ALL my fears and stress if I am willing to let go.

                I have to step back, PRAY, and expect that God is going to get me through this time in my life. We all have periods of time when we struggle and feel like the stress of everything around us is WAY too much to handle, that is when God is knocking and waiting for us to hand it all over. IT IS TIME I LET GO! I have to give this stress to God and know that He will guide me and get me through.  

                I look back to my life and the storms and hurdles that God has brought me through and it reminds me that God is faithful and will also bring me through this stressful time in my life.

LET GO and LET GOD!!!!!  I’m sure trying….

Bitter-Sweet

I was reminded today how bitter sweet parenting children can be after you have lost a child. On one hand, you look at your children and know what a true blessing they are in your life. On the other hand, you imagine your angel and every little moment and detail you are missing with them.

            There is a part of you that longs to be the parent your children need you to be and yet your broken, empty, LOST.

            I think one of the hardest things for me has been answering questions that I have no answer to. My ten year old daughter was probably the one who took Bethany’s death the hardest, because she could understand the best. She had wanted and prayed for a baby sister throughout my entire pregnancy. She would talk to me about all the things she would help me do once the baby came.

 In some ways, I felt like I had let her down; I had shattered her entire world. She is a new and young Christian, so there is still so much she is learning and does not understand. Many times after Bethany died, she would ask me, “Mom, why would a God who loves us let you carry a baby the whole time, just to take it away?”  How on earth do I answer this question to a child, when deep down I’m thinking the same thing?

The only answer I have ever been able to give her is my honest answer: I don’t know, but I do know that no matter what we go through GOD will never leave our side. He is always right there waiting to hold our hand, and guide us through the storms of life.

I’m not sure; WAIT, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to answer that question for my children, and I know that many days I STILL struggle with wanting to be angry with GOD for what I have been through. The closer May approaches and Bethany’s 2^nd birthday approaches, I find myself somewhat on edge and a little tense.

I know that God is trying to remind me that he is still there, and although some days I feel like pretending May doesn’t exist, because then I don’t have to relive that day or the moment my world came crashing down around me; God also reminds me that May 3, is a day I held one of the most beautiful little girls in the world, and I fell in love. Hurt may exist, but wrapped in that hurt is blanket of love I would not exchange for anything in this world

We ALL fall Short

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God”. Romans 3:23

          It has been somewhat of a long day and as I crawl into bed and sit down at my lap top, my heart begins to ache. I had been struggling all day with finding just the right words to write another encouraging post, and nothing would come to me.

          I began to think back to most of the things I write about and I realized that for the most part they are all encouraging and uplifting. I have tried so hard to share the part of my heart that God has healed and encourage others who are walking through grief to see the parts of my story where God has uplifted me or encouraged me throughout the darkness.

Although this was my desire and my reason for starting my blog; I realized that fairy tale endings after heartache and loss are not the reality of living every day to day life. If im not 100% honest with you, then I am walking that that thin line of sounding like a hypocrite.

          The truth is; life is still hard at times. So many days I feel so inadequate to be the Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend that God has called me to be. So many times when my children are arguing, I feel too weak to play peace maker for the hundredth time. I often complain to my husband when I know I should have said nothing at all. I often seclude myself.  I think of the friendships I have missed out on, and what God might have had in store for them.

          So many nights as I crawl into bed, I feel as though I have fallen short in so many areas of my life, and I wonder how hard I really tried. I truly love my family with all my heart, and I have learned to not take them for granted, but I wonder how often I truly follow through with that.

          For so long after Bethany died I was hurt, angry, and bitter. Her death changed me in ways I never could have imagined. Slowly over time, those feelings escalated until my body practically exploded.

          I was becoming a different person right in front of my family, and I didn’t even realize it. I began taking my anger out on my children. I was yelling, and became easily agitated over things that had never bothered me before.

          God has gotten a hold of my heart and brought these things to my attention, and I am learning that each and every day is a gift and yet a struggle.  A gift that I can be here with the family God has given me, and yet a struggle to not hold on to the anger I once had.

          I have learned that we all fall short of Gods amazing grace; I sure know I do, and yet he still loves us and picks us up time after time.

I have learned about a million life lessons through my daughter’s death, but the one that I am still learning is that life is a lesson you learn daily. Every day is a new day that God has blessed me with, and so many of those days I still seem to get it wrong, and yet I know God is still there waiting to guide me and help me.

          I have been through more heartache and hard times at the age of 31 then most people go through in their whole life, and then I also know I have more blessings then people could ever even begin to imagine.

          I could easily escape into the worlds view and claim that it’s ok because I’m not perfect and I’m going to fall and have bad days; the problem with this is that it is an excuse to place my fears under. The Holy Spirit within me is perfect, and is there waiting daily and giving me a new chance to get it right.

          So, what are my options? Life is hard! So many days seems impossible! I can jump up down and be miserable and angry for what I have been through, or I can daily learn to allow Christ to lead my life and my heart until I reach heaven’s gates. My time here on Earth will not always be great, and I will inevitable have bad days, but I have to remember that each and every day is a new day and a new gift from God to start fresh….My encouraging you is also a way to encourage myself that we can get through this journey!