The Passing Years

There was a season of my life where I honestly felt I was either pregnant, nursing or chasing a toddler at any given moment. The nights were short and the days were long. I lived in a constant state of exhaustion and many times thought my strong willed daughter was trying to turn me gray by the time she was 3.  As crazy as life seemed at the time, I loved it. In fact, I felt as though THAT was the mom I knew how to be. I could change diapers, and play dress up or make believe for hours. Even when I felt defeated, sleep deprived and overwhelmed, I knew how to be THAT mom. I wanted them to be little forever.

            I fast forward to the life I have somehow morphed into today and I often question the mom I have become. When did I go from having it all figured out to simply running on fumes.

I have entered into a new level of exhausted and business. One I honestly didn’t know existed. I am a full time working mom whose kids are going from event to event then church, dinner, laundry, etc.  and honestly; I feel like I forget what day it is.

            This summer we literally had something going on every single week. My husband and I were talking about how busy this summer had been and all we had done. I began to think about how busy my life was now that my kiddos were older compared to when they were little. I found myself missing the moments of just being at home with them when they were little. I then began to think about what had made us so busy. Church camp, church missions, Church VBS, Youth events, and youth bible studies. God began to tug at my heart as I realized that there was no other type of busy I would want to be. My children are growing each and every day and I CAN’T get these moments back. Moments to serve God and worship Jesus Christ with my children.

            There is NEVER a day that doesn’t go by where my heart doesn’t stop and remember that as crazy is life is, it really should be just a tad bit crazier with two more feet running around.   God has given me the gift of knowing how precious and how short life really is. Tomorrow may never come, today is a gift…. USE it for Him! This is the BUSY kind of life I want right now. I want to be knee high in the middle of life with my kids. I want to look back on these moments and know that I GET to serve God with my children. I open my home to teenagers so that I can be a part of what God is doing in the life of my children. It will never be my home, but yet HIS home to use and bring people through to glorify His kingdom.

            The days are long, but oh the years are short. I no longer look over my shoulder to make sure my kiddos are following close by. I now pray that as they independently run ahead or fall behind, God is becoming their hand to hold instead of mine.

            I will never grow weary of hearing young people praising God! Knowing that at the end of the day all 3 of my children are in the mix of an amazing youth group learning that no insecurity, no failure and no fear can ever be greater than the love of God. I stand in awe that this is the life I get to have. These are the children I get to serve God with. One day I will look back and miss it all. The toddler years and YES, even the teenage years. I will miss the moments I got to be such a huge part of their life. The sleepless nights, the teenage hormones, the tears and mistakes are inevitable; I promise! I also promise that you will never look back and regret missing sleep to be involved. I am learning with every passing stage, that motherhood is never something I will get perfect or feel like I know how to do just right. I am growing with my children. Learning, crying, praying and growing. At the end of the day, my greatest treasure will be that our memories, mine and theirs, are intertwined forever!

Our Summer

My 3 Most Precious Treasures-School is Out-SUMMER VACA

1st Plane Ride!!!

Mall of America

Boat Riding

Minnesota

WOWBSAR-Their 1st youth event with ALL 3 of them in the Youth! :( 

Brayson's LAST Winshape

Braves Game

Fun at youth camp with my girl

Panama City Beach, Florida

(One of the BEST youth camps EVER) 

Watching my children wash each others feet and pray over one another. Humbling and Amazing! 

Mommy Confessions...

                As a mom, I often have trouble defining my own identity.

Who am I?

A wife, a mother, a teacher, chauffeur, chef, counselor, friend, role model, nurse (although NOT a very good one.) But, do these things REALLY define who I am.

I came across this list above and at first I laughed, then gasped at the fact that I believe I have literally done ALL of them…WHAT… that is insane, I mean, really insane. I seriously began to question my authority as a parent for my dear children.

As the overwhelming guilt and somewhat disgust came over me, I began to realize, YES, I did do these things.

My child has peed in a parking lot while I quickly tried to hide his naked rear end, I have licked a pacifier clean after it has fallen, Lord knows where, just to stop a crying baby, I have, shamefully, given the underwear sniff test and  prayed to God my child at least HAD socks on, clean or not.

 I HAVE done it all, and yet never once did I stop and think about it. Never once did I hesitate to do any of these things because they are MY children given by my creator for me to love, cherish and develop even through the chaos of life.

So many times in my life I have doubted my ability to be the mother they need; honestly to be the mother they want. I have so often wished I could be the pulled together mother of perfection who has it ALL together ALL the time, but then, reality sets in.

I often run late, or snap when I should not, point out failures instead of giving grace. I look in the mirror too often and see my own imperfections in my OWN children. OUCH!

I am not perfect, however HE is. My creator is perfect beyond measure and has not only created me, but He has equipped me to be the mother they need, perfect or not. I am NOT the fairy tale mother I often invasion in my head.

So, what am I? Who am I?

Have you ever questioned if God made a mistake? What was He thinking! I can’t possibly be what these children need, I CAN’T possibly grow children for His kingdom when I fail too much to count!

^“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Have you ever watched a young child “create” a masterpiece of art for you? They are excited, giddy and glowing with delight. They beam with joy as you rave about their accomplishment.

The definition of masterpiece is a person’s greatest work of art; mastery.

Wow, if you REALLY sit back and soak that in, imagine God beaming because we are His work of art, His masterpiece made for His purpose.

^“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

Who am I? I am His! Imperfect, yet perfectly created in His imagine for His purpose.

Who am I? I am theirs! Chosen for them. Four beautifully crafted creations, designed for His purpose, for me to guide through Him.

My identity is found in Christ who is found in me. My identity is found in the mother I crave to be. My identity is found in the wife I long to be. My identity is that through Christ, my family will not see me, but see Him!

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Forever Thankful

Forever Thankful

This is not the way it was supposed to be. Why did my life fall apart?

I can't tell you how many times these questions have circulated round and round in my head. So many nights I find myself searching and pleading with God for answers that don't seem to exist. I crave my little girl so deeply I feel like I might explode some days. She would be two now, and I imagine her coming into my room because she can't sleep. I imagine her crawling into my lap as I gently cradle her and comfort her tears. I then find myself longing to hold her again, and yet it is my tears, and not hers I am wiping away.

 My heart is pleading to go back in time. Why did God need her.....I need her more!

I beg God to change the unchangeable because selfishly, I can't let go. I can't let go of wanting her back. I can't let go of missing her. I can't let go of the hurt. I can't get her back....but; I can let go and let God.

I am not sure why God choose me to the mother of an angel....I never thought I could. I never thought my heart could hurt and love with so much emotion all wrapped into one.

I never knew that I could be strong enough to be thankful for all I have been through and blessed for all God has shown me.

When your child dies, your heart is broken into a million pieces and you feel as though you must go through life as a broken puzzle, empty, lost....never the same again.

Along the journey, I realized that the puzzle was slowly being put back together and I had a choice to make.

I could be angry, bitter, and miserable for the rest of my life because my little girl was gone; none of which would ever bring her back or change what happened or, I could live. I could live through Christ who gives me hope and a future. He pulls me to my feet daily and allows me to smile and move forward. He reminds me that this life is short and one day I will see my sweet angel again.

I choose hope and I choose to be thankful. I am thankful for every minute of the 37 weeks He gave me with Bethany Hope. I am thankful for the sweet hiccups that kept me up night after night in my pregnancy. I am thankful for the little movements I would feel as she would wiggle and move across my belly. I am thankful for the precious 8 hours I got to hold her after she was born.

I'm thankful for the love of a Savior to pull me through even till the end.....

I am Forever Thankful for my Sweet Bethany Hope. She has made me who I am today!

My sweet Boy

If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

Life with a two year old is anything but easy. Life was busy, crazy, fun, and well always on the go. I guess it was about that time that God decided our life needed a little bit more excitement.....a little boy. Kayla was 2 1/2 when Gabe was born. I was so excited and yet nervous to have another baby, especially a boy. I had no clue what to do with boys. I was terrified I might do something wrong.

He was the only baby my water broke with. He is also the only baby that my epidural did not work with. I was in labor all night long with Gabe, for 10 long hard hours. He was born early in the morning and my heart was overjoyed the moment they placed him in my arms.

I had no clue I could love another baby as much as I did Kayla. I had a special bond with Gabe instantly.  We called him happy Gabe because he was the best baby, and always happy.

Gabe has a love for others and a patience I wish I had. He is blessed with talent beyond means. He has simply grown leaps since he started taking piano and within days of buying him a guitar, he knows more then I could ever know.

He loves baseball and plays with all of his heart. He is a true team player no matter where he plays.

He is a brilliant and intelligent child.

He is a born leader because he has just enough fear to not follow the crowd. He has a heart for Christ and an eagerness to learn more.

I am beyond thankful for this sweet boy in my life. He took me from dress up and tea parties, to trucks and dirt. He taught me to wrestle and laugh and yet still hug and cuddle. I never knew the bond a mother and son could have until my sweet Gabe was born.

I am thankful for Gabriel Jason and the joy he brings into my life....

Thankful Gift

If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

I can't tell you how many times I feel like the rollercoaster has crashed and burned throughout this journey. Joy, love, hate, fear, terror and complete awe only begin to touch the emotions that come along with being a mother. Motherhood is by far the hardest job I have ever had and yet the only one that has brought me to my knees too many times to count.

In my fantasy world, I believed that having a baby would somewhat be like having a real baby doll. I dreamed of being a mother my entire life. I had the pretty clothes, hair bows and everything needed for my very first baby. Reality set in somewhere in the first few weeks when I realized that I was never up playing with my baby doll at 2 in the morning; fairy tale was long gone!

Unfortunately, it has not been until almost 11 years later, that I am finally grasping the concept of all my own mother did for me. The sleepless nights, stories told, and kisses given were so much more than just a duty; it was a gift.

Kayla was a blessing and a gift; really, a blessing in disguise. I was young and  immature when I had her. I felt as though I had betrayed my parents and all those whose loved me. My whole life I had dreamed of my marriage and having children, as all little girls do, only my fairly tale was like a book with missing pieces.

I was nineteen and the baby came before the marriage. How on earth could I ever be a good mother? This was no baby doll, this was reality.

I was zapped quickly from a new college student hanging out with friends and looking forward to a future in dance, to 2 a.m. feedings, swollen breast, and a screaming newborn; what now?

I'm not sure I was ever that mother I had envisioned myself to be; I think I'm still trying. Kayla was, and still is, a vibrant and exciting child. She kept me on my toes, and on my knees, almost daily; and still does!  

She still chases life as if it were a race and she has to win. She has energy beaming from her entire soul. She is thirsting for knowledge and independence by the day. She wants to be loved and has a personality that beacons  others to love her.

At times I have question God's motives in making me her mother. Although privileged and honored, I feel too weak to guide one so strong yet so young.

She challenges me daily, and more often than not, pushes me to be a better mother. Through her life, I was given the amazing gift of motherhood. The chance to love in way I never knew was possible and pray in a way I never knew I would have too.  

I love this little girl, I'm sorry...young lady, more than words could ever say. I am eternally thankful for the unexpected and precious gift of her life. I will forever stand in awe of this sweet, and very strong willed,  girl who allowed me to grow up way before my time. She reminds me daily of the amazing grace of a Savior and the forgivingness he offers when we so often seem to fall off track.

Today I am thankful for the gift of life, and the gift I was given through my sweet girl almost 12 years ago...I am eternally thankful for Kayla Elisabeth and the gift of motherhood.

Liquid MAGIC!

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd;
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win, it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game...."

The batter is up and ready to go.  He slowly circles the bat through the air as his eye is locked in on the pitcher. Determination and perseverance hold strong as the first two strikes are thrown. The batter grinds his foot into the dirt and slowly leans forward as he sees the third ball coming his way. Adrenaline rushes through his entire body all the way through the tip of the bat.

"POW"

The bat falls to the ground and the batter is off rounding first and off towards second. Sweat dripping from his chin, the runner thinks fast as he looks up and sees the ball in thin air making its way to the glove of the second baseman.  The runner hears, "Down, down!" He quickly slides his leg out from under him and tags the base just in the nick of time.

He jumps up to takes his position while he attempts to  brush the red clay from his pants; his light gray pants that is.

I sit back and watch player after player slide in and out of base, collecting red clay as if it were candy. It has always boggled my mind that boys who played sports always seemed to have light colored pants and they played in red clay; I'm I missing something?!?!?

For so long I have felt like a bad mom. I have never been able to get my sons light gray baseball pants clean. I complain to my husband all the time and tell him that whoever designed base ball pants must not be the person doing the laundry at home! I soak, I scrub, I soak, I scrub, I soak, I SCREAM....then I soak, and they still have stains.......I'm going crazy; till now!

I found the secret....and it's a good one!

PURPLE POWER GREASE REMOVER....yes, I know it is for your tires, and NO I'm really not crazy. ADD this to your laundry room!

DO not soak. Wet the pants, spray on the red clay spots, get a good scrub brush, and scrub. Do this all over the pants. Rinse and throw in the wash...OH MY, I think it even got out dried in red clay stains...it is that good! My sons pants have not looked this good ALL year! This stuff is MAGIC!!!

As I was cleaning the pants and watching the stains fade away, literally like magic, I went running it our room with a huge smile on my face. I tried to explain my joy of this phenomenon to my husband, and well, he just laughed that I was this excited about getting red clay out of some pants! :)

Refresh

"So that by God's will I may subsequently come to you with joy and be refreshed in your company." Romans 15:32

I love the smell and feel of a clean house.

The window is open and the brisk cool breeze is saturating the entire room. The candles are lit and the smell is circulating throughout the house. I sit back soaking in the joy of my freshly cleaned house as I sit cuddled up in a blanket. I feel the breeze sweep across my face and I can't help but feel a peace.

I started my afternoon of cleaning toilets, scrubbing the refrigerator, vacuuming and mopping, with somewhat of a hurry up and get it done attitude. I love a clean house, and I also knew that I would really love to enjoy a relaxing Sunday afternoon, without cleaning, but I don't really like to clean!

After every bathroom or project I would clean I would feel so refreshed and good! I felt a calm and peace as if I was really doing something for my family. My hurry up attitude began to slow down and it simply felt nice to accomplish a new project.

So often I forget how blessed I am to have a home to clean and a family to clean for. I know all too well how fragile this life that God has given us really is, and yet I still often forget to absorb every precious moment.

As I sit soaking in the refreshing felling of my home, I can't help but to be refreshed by God's love for me. I feel the breeze wrap around me as if Christ were reminding that he is always here. So many days I question His motives for my life and I feel as though I am running this race alone. The breeze reminds me that I might not always see Him or feel Him, but He is always there. He is waiting to lead me and guide me into the next step or phase of my life.

Like a leave floating in the wind, I never know where I might land or what may be next, but I know that God is leading my every  move no matter what direction my life my go.

Just as refreshing as a clean house may be, I  am even more refreshed by the power of Christ.

Balancing Act

Let's just say that since I have starting working, I am learning that balancing many different things is a talent; smooth...not really, but I'm getting there!

This week has gone much better as far as getting up and out the door, meals prepared and laundry done. I could however feel my anxiety rising as I looked at our to do list this week. Brayson had his first ever school fundraiser, a fun run, which I had to help out with. He also had his Fall party which I was also planning and providing everything for. Kayla also had her very first school dance; oh my, is she really that big! I'm not ready for her to grow up this fast.... (And, don't forget our unexpected all night trip to the ER).

So, I took everything one day at a time, said a prayer, and we were off! I did work a half day on the day of the school fundraiser and the school party. I realized during both of these events how deeply God has blessed me. As I was running from one school, to my house, and then back to be with my child, and attempting to balancing it all, I stopped and thanked God. I thanked Him for providing me with a job that I can work when I want or need to, and yet I can still be a part of my kids school activities. I don't proclaim to have it all together; my husband can attest, but I am trying my best. I want my kids to look back and know that I was not a part of their life for "show" but because I really want to be.

Yes, I might have been up baking orange and black swirl cupcakes till 11:00 and putting 22 children's names on little orange bags just to "attempt" to pull off a great fall party, but the truth is; a just want to see the kids happy. I want to see my kids happy.

I might fall into bed so many nights WAY too late and wonder how I'm going to balance my day or week or wonder what went wrong with the previous day, but the best thing ever is this:

Staying up late baking cupcakes, cookies or anything my kids might need is so worth the no sleep when I hear, thanks mom, I'm so glad you did that or you were there! I'm not sure I will ever 100% figure out how to balance everything, but right now I feel blessed that God is giving me the chance to try.

Brayson and his friend at the Fun Run! This was a BLAST. They had music playing while they kids ran their laps...they had dancing laps....it was just a blast! I'm so proud of him, he did great.

Well, Brayson's Fall Party came together. All the kids got so excited when they walked in the room from recess...they started smiling and that made my day!

Brayson decorating his fall goodie bag!

Kayla and her friend all ready for their first school dance. It was a costume dance. I really can't believe that I just dropped my baby girl off at her first dance. WHERE has the time gone!