Hold on Tight

Oh mama, when they say you will miss this moment, it is hard to imagine just how much you truly will. You see, because in this moment, you are so much more than just in this moment. 

Looking back at this moment…I wish I could bottle it up. I wish I could hold them and squeeze them and be in this moment again. I wish I could go back in this moment and love them so fiercely with everything in me…but the truth…the truth is…

In this moment…I was exhausted. I was often running on fumes. I was faking it to make it and if all of them sleeping right on top of me meant we actually got sleep, then so be it; at least we slept! 

Looking back, I can see that I rarely wore make up when they were little. My time, moments and energy were completely consumed with them, and I although I was physically drained half of the time, I so wish I truly understood how fast the time really went. 

Oh sweet mama! Hold on just a little tighter when she ask for just one more good night hug. 

Oh sweet mama! Read that story again and again when he begs for the millionth time. 

Play barbies, make tents, get messy, laugh and BE SILLY! 

Oh mama, how you long for a moment of quiet and yet one day you will crave for a house of noise again. 

And oh, sweet mama, please look past what the world tells you is the perfect mother and simply look into the eyes of your precious children and love them with everything you have inside you. 

Never forget that jealously and comparison will steal your joy and moments you could be having with YOUR babies.

For you see, one day they will no longer ask for the story to be read and they will no longer cry or linger to sleep next to your warm embrace. 

One day…all too soon, oh sweet mama, one day…. Those moments will be memories. 

Too often I wish I could go back and freeze time. I wish I could laugh for hours and tell myself in these moments to just let go of every…single…insecurity…I thought I had. I wish I go back and tell myself that one day, one day I will walk by their empty rooms and pray God is watching over them. Pray that I taught them to follow Him in everything they do. Pray that with every mistake I made, that just maybe I taught them to cling to Jesus and love others. 

You see, these moments are so much more precious than we know. Today and each moment we are gifted is just that, a gift! I know all too well that my children are His. 

Hold on tight and create memories to last a lifetime. 

For you see mama, tomorrow may never come, today is a gift…Use it! Make memories you will never forget. Yes, the days can be long and the nights can be restless, but one day those little fingers will wean from your hands and I pray it’s the hands of Jesus they fall into.  

Ten-year Challenge

Ten-year Challenge

2009

2019

In some ways 10 years ago seems like a life time ago, and in other ways it seems like yesterday. When I saw the ten-year challenge begin to circulate, of course I got interested in how much I had changed; however, I didn’t realize just how much this ten-year challenge would really affect me.  

Have I changed…yes, but it wasn’t so much the physical appearance that bothered me. As I began to think about where my life was ten years ago, I realized just how different my life was. You see, ten years ago I had three small children and I was pregnant with Bethany. In my own perfect world, I was living my own fairy tale.  As a little girl the only thing I ever dreamed of being was a wife and mommy. I had no clue how fast my fairy tale would come crashing down around me just ten years ago.

At times, my mind can’t fathom it has even been ten years. I have learned to overcome unimaginable hurt and heartache with the grace of my Savior. I have battled the deepest darkest depression and learned to use my darkest hours for the glory of God. Most days I see God’s never-ending love and grace reminding me that He pulled me from that darkness and into His light.

And then, sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.

Sometimes the walls come crashing down. Sometimes it’s all just TOO much.

Sometimes my heart races so fast, I can’t breathe and I feel like I might explode.

This is Grief.

This is hard, messy, unpredictable and exhausting.

I wish I could say that I have always grieved well, but unfortunately, I haven’t. I honestly never knew my heart could ache so deeply. I failed my husband and my other children terribly as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. At some point through my grieving process, I felt like God literally had to bring me to my knees where I felt like I had absolutely nothing left but him. I hated hearing that grief takes time because there really is no time to grief when you love someone that deeply. You see, I would have told you I was doing great until that grief hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I am learning to give myself grace. I am learning that I am not enough by myself to endure what I have been through or the pain that comes with it. You can’t force yourself to stop loving someone or to just get over them, but God is enough. God is more than enough. I need Him more today, than I did yesterday or even ten years ago! He is more than enough than any obstacle I will ever face.

This May Bethany would be ten. My memory haunts me of what was and what could have been. I see her tiny face and imagine and dream of all she could have been.

The truth is, time will never escape her memory, her birthday and the moments I will never get to have. No amount of time could ever make me forget that I have four children. NO amount of healing will heal the scar left on my heart.   But God… God can heal my heart and comfort my unexpected grief. He takes me into His arms to hold, comfort and cry when the storms are too strong.

So, the biggest change in ten years….

All four of my children got to be in the first picture with me, and now, one will always remain in my heart until we are united again in Heaven.

The other change, God found me, He rescued me, and He changed me. Before Bethany died, I lived a very self-centered life. I wanted more kids, I wanted the Fairy tale, I wanted a Perfect family…. I was so desperate for the things of this world that I wanted, that I lost track of living my life for Him and seeing the good things I had.  I went into a very dark depression and lost a piece of myself. I honestly didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to be a mom or wife anymore. The life I had so desperately craved felt a million miles away. God brought me crashing down until I had nowhere else to turn. I can still remember sitting on my bathroom floor with my bible open and tears hitting the pages. I didn’t even know where to start and my eyes were too swollen to even read, but I opened my bible and I prayed. I prayed for God to rescue me and heal my family that I had pushed so far away.

Over time…He did. He gave me JOY when I thought I would never smile again. He gave me Hope when I thought I would never feel again.

You are more than your grief. You are more than you know.

Today may be hard, but Joy comes in the morning!

Parenting is tough

I found this picture online and I loved it! Are we this passoniate about our prayer life? Do we fall before God and just pray and listen? I want to be!

 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Every day I send my children into the world praying I have taught them well and I am guiding them in the right direction. Now, my children are far from perfect and I stumble and fall as a parent daily; I think we are often on a rollercoaster ride together!

As a parent who truly cares about every detail of my kids’ lives, maybe too much, I know I can appear to be too involved or overbearing. The problem is I love them too much and unfortunately I also know reality; I’ve been there! Unlike so many people I know, I know what it feels like to have your child one day and stand at their funeral the next. I know that tomorrow is no guarantee and that scares me to death sometimes.

At any moment any one of my children could be gone. I wonder with every event of their lives if I am guiding them in the right direction. I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t tell you how often I wonder if my words to them, my help or guidance might be the last thing I say or do for them.

I’m not saying I live in fear because I don’t, I just want to do everything right, I want to give them my best with every day that God gives me with them.

I mess up and fall flat on my face too many times to count. So often I really think I am helping and just end up making a big mess out of things. My heart is in the right place and I love them so much it hurts. It hurts that I don’t have my other little girl here to fight with, love on and make her life just as fun and crazy as my other kids.

When you lose a child you world is never the same, your life is never the same, and you could never parent the same way you did before.

I question every decision, doubt myself too often, and pray that one day these chains of grief that hold my heart captive will break free.

Being a parent is always a reminder that there is one sweet little girl in Heaven I will NEVER get to parent.

At the end of the day my only saving grace is that Christ holds the key to my heart. On days when I feel like everything is falling apart, HE is there. On days when I feel like it is too hard to be a parent, I turn to the only true Father I need to guide me.

On days when I have no answers at all, I fall to my knees and He is there to listen and guide. He is my example. I want to be a parent who listens, loves and guides. Who corrects and disciplines when needed.

 I want to be a parent who never stops caring and never stops trying no matter how often I think I may fail or get it wrong.

And most of all I want to be a praying parent who never stops seeking guidance from Christ!

Today is here and my sweet little girl is a daily reminder and gift to me that life is short.  I have to live each day doing the best I can and being who God has called me to be. I will always love her and miss her, but through her death I learned that I can’t get yesterday back, but I can decide how I will react about today no matter what the outcome may be!

It doesn’t matter if we try and fail or try and succeed, as long as you live your life for GOD! Mistakes are simply an opportunity for God to work on your heart and allow you to grow!!!

Blog Fest~ My Story

Elisa(a blog friend) is having her book launch, and I am so excited for her! She has wrote about the loss of her son in her book, The Golden Sky. She has arranged a blogfest, so I will be telling my story again for those who might be new to my blog.

~Our eyes met and I feared the inevitable, and yet no matter what I did I still could not stop the words coming from her mouth, “You look great, when was the baby born?" My heart sunk as tears filled my already swollen eyes as I gently responded, “She didn’t make it." 

            It did not matter what she said at that point, I knew she felt bad, but I wanted to run as far from creation as my feet could take me. I guess a part of me had hoped people somehow knew and I would be sheltered from the awkward conversations. Unfortunately, this lady was not the first to ask about my baby.

            It had only been two weeks since my daughter’s stillbirth, and I was far from ready to be in public, but had no choice. My four year old son was graduating preschool and had to have his mommy there. My entire being wanted to wrap a dark blanket around my body and vanish into the back of the crowd praying no one would notice me; not quite my luck.

            I barely got inches into the church building and was greeted with hugs and apologies for my loss, which instantly brought tears to my eyes; so much for blending in. I listened as one mother gently put her hand on mine and said, “These things happen, I’m sorry for your loss”. I looked up and simply walked away as I tried to process what she had said. There was a part of me that was angry at her words because I thought, “No, these things DO NOT just happen”! I finally made it to my seat and felt as though as I was in some dream; this could not be my life.

            I watched my son sing his heart out, and I had to fight the tears from streaming down my face. While one child stands here singing songs of joy for graduating preschool; my other child is hearing songs of praise straight from heavens gates. How my heart aches for her and yet envy’s her.

My heart kept going back to that day. May 2 was a day filled with love and laughter as my church showered me with love. It was a long, hot and exhausting day.

 That evening after putting away the baby gifts; I climbed into bed to crash for the evening. I quietly laid in bed waiting for my sweet baby to begin dancing in my belly as she did every night when I crawled into bed, and yet this night there was a disturbing silence and stillness like never before. I jumped out of bed and drank a soda to hopefully disturb her silence and laid back down pushing my tummy all around.   My heart began to pound faster and faster as I watched the clock tick minute by minute and still no movement. I called the doctor and all I heard were her cold words saying, “Come in NOW”. I practically ran out the door telling my husband I was only going to get reassurance that everything was ok, yet I think I knew in my heart that everything was NOT ok.

The fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. With tears rolling down my face, I prayed and begged God to let my baby be ok, and yet he gave me no reassurance. The more I begged God to show me things were ok, the more I felt like God was saying things were not ok. It was as if he was trying to prepare my heart for the worst moment in my life, and I did not want to listen.

I think I must have morphed myself into the hospital room, because I do not remember parking or checking in. I remember lying on the hospital bed and the look on the nurse’s face as she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat. Hold on."  Five other nurses’ then came in with an ultrasound machine. They tried so hard to not let me see, but I saw my curled up and lifeless baby girl on the screen of that machine as the nurse turned and looked at me and said, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat."

I screamed, “God NO, God WHY?" My entire world came crashing down with those six words, and I knew I would never be the same.

May 3, 2009, is a day that will forever be in embedded in my heart and soul. It is a day when my sweet baby girl was born into this world, only to already be in the arms of Jesus. It was a day that I held pure love in my arms and watched as my heart was ripped into a million pieces. It was a day that I never thought I could endure.

My world crashed and burned faster than I could breath once Bethany died. I turned away from everyone I loved and buried myself in my grief. I began to write in my journal because it was the only way I knew how to express what my heart was feeling, but my mouth could not say.

2 1/2 years later, God turned my healing heart and journal writings into a book. I never thought I could reveal such intimate details about my life and my heart, but I knew that this was God's plan; Bethany's purpose. I pray that through my words, others can see Christ. I learned that my forever was never going to be without my daughter because my forever has yet to begin.

I will spend eternity with my sweet girl in my happy... ever... after....

I had imagined the moment I held my newborn baby girl a million times. I had fanaticized how amazing it would be, and yet the reality of that moment simply overwhelmed me. The moment Bethany Hope was placed in my arms was not the fairy tale I had imaged; far from it, but it was a moment were I instantly fell head over heels in love. I saw perfection upon looking in her perfect little soul. I saw my Savior.

To view my book: Still in My Arms

Bitter-Sweet

I was reminded today how bitter sweet parenting children can be after you have lost a child. On one hand, you look at your children and know what a true blessing they are in your life. On the other hand, you imagine your angel and every little moment and detail you are missing with them.

            There is a part of you that longs to be the parent your children need you to be and yet your broken, empty, LOST.

            I think one of the hardest things for me has been answering questions that I have no answer to. My ten year old daughter was probably the one who took Bethany’s death the hardest, because she could understand the best. She had wanted and prayed for a baby sister throughout my entire pregnancy. She would talk to me about all the things she would help me do once the baby came.

 In some ways, I felt like I had let her down; I had shattered her entire world. She is a new and young Christian, so there is still so much she is learning and does not understand. Many times after Bethany died, she would ask me, “Mom, why would a God who loves us let you carry a baby the whole time, just to take it away?”  How on earth do I answer this question to a child, when deep down I’m thinking the same thing?

The only answer I have ever been able to give her is my honest answer: I don’t know, but I do know that no matter what we go through GOD will never leave our side. He is always right there waiting to hold our hand, and guide us through the storms of life.

I’m not sure; WAIT, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to answer that question for my children, and I know that many days I STILL struggle with wanting to be angry with GOD for what I have been through. The closer May approaches and Bethany’s 2^nd birthday approaches, I find myself somewhat on edge and a little tense.

I know that God is trying to remind me that he is still there, and although some days I feel like pretending May doesn’t exist, because then I don’t have to relive that day or the moment my world came crashing down around me; God also reminds me that May 3, is a day I held one of the most beautiful little girls in the world, and I fell in love. Hurt may exist, but wrapped in that hurt is blanket of love I would not exchange for anything in this world

Predictions

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Jeremiah 29:11

Life is unpredictable, and yet we live in a world that predicts life on a daily basis. We wake up every morning, and most people could tell you there daily schedule to the minute. We see people who rage in anger when someone cuts them off on the highway or bumps into them in the grocery store because this does not fit into their daily schedule.  

We predict that because we have made bad choices in life, our children will automatically follow in our footsteps.

We predict that when we go into work our mean boss will continue acting like a jerk.

We predict that we can have healthy pregnancies and actually bring those babies home….

The thing about predictions is that you are setting yourself up for failure. Now, I am not saying that all predictions can’t come true, but they are not our predictions to make.  God has already planned out our future, minute by minute, so why are we wasting time predicting every step we take? God has great plans for you; plans to give you hope and not to harm you. Even when hard times come your way; God has a plan.

What if we all started living life a little differently, without predictions? What if we woke up and just lived? What if, instead of knowing what every minute of our day consisted of, we simply lived every minute of our day by letting God lead us.

What if we stopped assuming others are going to act a certain way and take the higher road and be kind regardless? We live in a world full of anger, rage, and hurt; who’s going to stop the cycle?

I would love to predict that all women can have healthy pregnancies and bring those babies home in the end, but the truth is; stillbirth or baby loss can happen to anyone! There are no rules, and no one is exempt. It does not matter if you are rich or poor, famous or not, it can still happen to you. My point is….Enjoy every moment God gives you and never take one moment for granted. However much time God allows each of us to have with our children is moments we cannot get back, and are moments we must treasure.

For me; I got exactly 37 weeks with my sweet Bethany Hope.  My heart aches for more, but my God said,” this is plenty until you meet again”. I treasure the moments I was given, and I live life now without predicting my future. I treasure the blessings God has given me today and look forward to the life he has planned for me!

I would die for that

About a week after Bethany’s death, my husband and I were out running some errands; really I think I was just along for the ride. My husband pulled the car up and I ran into a store to grab 2 things I quickly needed. My intention was to get in and out as fast as possible and hopefully not run into anyone I knew. As I quietly waited in line, it was finally my turn and I did not even look up as my mind tried to process the words that the cashier had just spoken to me. She said, “Finally, someone who is not pregnant is coming through my line. I swear, every person that has been through my line all day was about to pop”! My eyes began to fill with tears as I tried to process what she was saying. All I could think to myself was, “I would die for that. I would love to go back 2 weeks ago and still feel my little girl alive inside of me”.  I practically ran from the store and got into the car as fast as possible and begged Brad to just go home. As I have recalled this moment in my mind over and over again, God has reminded me that all too often these situations happen in life. I didn’t know this cashier’s story, and she didn’t know mine. Maybe she can’t have children and having to see pregnant women angers her. Too often we are quick to snap or be hateful to others because of our own hurt or disappointment in our lives. Guard your mouths and be careful at who you vent your anger too. Remember, they just might have a story too.  I saw another mom from a forum post this video and thought it was SO perfect…..