Hold on Tight

Oh mama, when they say you will miss this moment, it is hard to imagine just how much you truly will. You see, because in this moment, you are so much more than just in this moment. 

Looking back at this moment…I wish I could bottle it up. I wish I could hold them and squeeze them and be in this moment again. I wish I could go back in this moment and love them so fiercely with everything in me…but the truth…the truth is…

In this moment…I was exhausted. I was often running on fumes. I was faking it to make it and if all of them sleeping right on top of me meant we actually got sleep, then so be it; at least we slept! 

Looking back, I can see that I rarely wore make up when they were little. My time, moments and energy were completely consumed with them, and I although I was physically drained half of the time, I so wish I truly understood how fast the time really went. 

Oh sweet mama! Hold on just a little tighter when she ask for just one more good night hug. 

Oh sweet mama! Read that story again and again when he begs for the millionth time. 

Play barbies, make tents, get messy, laugh and BE SILLY! 

Oh mama, how you long for a moment of quiet and yet one day you will crave for a house of noise again. 

And oh, sweet mama, please look past what the world tells you is the perfect mother and simply look into the eyes of your precious children and love them with everything you have inside you. 

Never forget that jealously and comparison will steal your joy and moments you could be having with YOUR babies.

For you see, one day they will no longer ask for the story to be read and they will no longer cry or linger to sleep next to your warm embrace. 

One day…all too soon, oh sweet mama, one day…. Those moments will be memories. 

Too often I wish I could go back and freeze time. I wish I could laugh for hours and tell myself in these moments to just let go of every…single…insecurity…I thought I had. I wish I go back and tell myself that one day, one day I will walk by their empty rooms and pray God is watching over them. Pray that I taught them to follow Him in everything they do. Pray that with every mistake I made, that just maybe I taught them to cling to Jesus and love others. 

You see, these moments are so much more precious than we know. Today and each moment we are gifted is just that, a gift! I know all too well that my children are His. 

Hold on tight and create memories to last a lifetime. 

For you see mama, tomorrow may never come, today is a gift…Use it! Make memories you will never forget. Yes, the days can be long and the nights can be restless, but one day those little fingers will wean from your hands and I pray it’s the hands of Jesus they fall into.  

But WHY God?

There was once a girl who dreamed of a big family.   A family where kids ran around with laughter and giggles and warmth filled the entire home. Love would radiate from the inside out. The husband would adore his wife with such adoration and life would be invincible.

This dream seemed so obtainable, so possible. This young and naive little girl lived in a world, where although she knew heartache existed, she believed that love could overcome anything.

The dream quickly faded when this girl too quickly grew up and realized that we are not as invincible as she had hoped.

Heartache gives no warning and too often no reason. Pain comes like a thief in the night to steal our joy and cripple our entire world.

You see, we want to be invincible. We want to believe it would never happen to us. The broken friendship, failing marriage, rebellious children or the life gone too soon.

The heartache happens and we are often left standing with the questions and brokenness and nothing seems to make sense.

We cling to the why. We need to know why. If we knew why something had happen or gone wrong then somehow and someway it would make us feel better, give us a reason to understand.

I can remember waiting for days, weeks after Bethany had died for her autopsy report. I needed and craved the answers to her death. I begged God to help me understand why my little girl had to die. The phone rang and my heart was not prepared to hear what I heard…

“The results where normal. Nothing was wrong. It was simply a sudden death.”

I was angry and mad. That was not good enough. I needed more. I could deal with a birth defect, I could understand that my daughter was sick, but to take her for no reason. This I did not understand.

For weeks I became bitter and even angrier with God. I had nothing to cling to anymore, no reason to heal or move on.

Over time God began to tug on my heart. Pulling me closer and closer. I soon began to see that my story was not over. I would never get the answer to why she had to go, but yet, I would see her again. This world is not my forever home.

God had to teach me that it is not always about why something has happened, but about what is going to happen. The heartache we go through can destroy us literally from the inside out. We have to make the choice to believe that it does not define us and our story is not over.

I still believe that love can overcome anything, and even more so when that love comes from a God who promises to turn our sorrows into joy. What will tomorrow hold? Bitterness and anger or hope for a better tomorrow. 

The Lord says, “Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening. Don’t you see it? Isaiah 43:18-19

Saying Good-Bye

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good not for disaster, to give you a future and hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I kissed her and said good bye as my heart melted away. I watched as the last of my baby days walked away, and the tears streamed from my eyes. I knew this moment was coming, but my heart did not want to let go. I wanted to hold on forever to that face, that smile, and that little person who has changed my life in so many ways. 

          She was 11 weeks old when she first came into my life. The moment I laid eyes on her, I was in love.  So many people questioned me when I told them I was going to start keeping a newborn. They were scared and nervous that it would be too hard for me after Bethany’s death. I have to admit; there was a part of me that was nervous as well, but I have now learned that God sent this family and precious little girl into my life.  I was still hurting so deeply over Bethany and questing God so much. As I began to watch Bella, I began to imagine what Bethany might have been like and what my life might have been like with her still here. I believe that God sent me Bella to give me a glimpse of what my angel would have been like. I was able to experience all the wonderful adventures of the first year of a baby’s life because they entrusted me with their baby. I know that through Bella I was able to truly heal over Bethany’s death and I can never thank them enough for that gift. 

          I have loved her as if she were my own. I know when she is happy, sad, or getting sick. I know when she is tired, hungry or just cranky. I loved when she would run up to me and give me a hug, bring me a book to read, and most recently say my name. She has a personality that will go miles and a smile that will melt your heart. I have been beyond blessed to have this little girl as a part of my life. 

          As I was packing up all of Bella’s things on Friday, my heart was breaking by the minute. I was emptying my cabinets and house of every last baby item. I am not only saying good bye to Bella, but I am saying good bye to the baby days. No more babies, no more diapers, no more little ones for me to take care of. This part of my life is really over.

          You see; for a long time, I think there was a part of me that thought I could hold on to a piece of Bethany if I had a little one in my house. The truth is; Bethany is gone. No matter what I try and hold onto I cannot go back and experience her life as a baby. I can’t get any moment I want with her because it does not exist. Keeping babies around my house will only prolong my hurting and my healing. It’s time to let go….It’s time to move on. 

          I will never let go of my love for my daughter. I will never let go of her memory or the lessons I have learned through her death. I will always keep her a part of my life and my heart forever, but I can’t keep pretending and wishing she were still here. I have to accept that God has great plans for her memory and for my life from here until Eternity.

          God gave me an amazing gift through Bella. I was able to hold on to a baby I so desperately wanted for a brief period of time. The time is over, and I feel like I just gave back a piece of my heart that was never really mine. 

          “Thank you God for Your gift of love, grace and mercy. Thank you for giving me Bella to allow me to love and smile when I never thought I would again.  Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to keep babies to keep Bethany alive in my heart. Thank you for once again guiding me through another dark road…..”

 My Sweet Bella....

 Good-bye baby days....hello to a new life I know God has in store!

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

                I will never forget the moment I took the first, second, third, and yes even forth pregnancy test. I was elated with joy that I was really going to have another baby. My dreams of having four children were really going to come true. We had prayed for another child. We wanted this so much for our family and truly felt as though God had blessed us beyond belief.

                I often think back to those early moments of joy and wonder if the heartache and suffering has overshadowed so much of the joy I felt in my pregnancy. I loved being pregnant; really, I did. I loved getting big, and feeling those tiny hands and feet move around inside of me. I loved hearing her tiny yet fast flickering heartbeat every single time I went to the doctor. It never got old to me.

                I only wish I had known that her fast little heartbeat would fade away into the night along with every hope and dream I had for her. I am so blessed for the time God gave me with her, because it was joy; pure joy. I love the memories I have of my pregnancy and I love the video I have of her ultrasounds. I love every minute of her life that I was able to experience.

                There is a part of my heart that so desperately wants to run as far and as fast as I can screaming for God to make things different, and allow Bethany to be here with me. Yet, there is another part of my heart that has come to see that God had bigger plans for my sweet girl, plans I still can’t imagine. The hopes and dreams I originally had in store where not big enough for the plans that my Heavenly Father had in store for such a precious little life.

                Through her death, she has a voice and a story, and I am proud to be her mother. My daughter along with so many other angels are changing this world and helping others see that: God can make a difference and He is bigger than any obstacle or challenge we will ever face on this Earth.

                2 years ago today, she came into my life, and changed me in ways I never even thought were possible. Thank you Father for the gift of LIFE through my daughter’s death. I am who I am today because Of a God who never gave up on me and a little girl who has given me more strength than I ever could have imagined.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MY ANGEL ABOVE………………

HAPPY 2^nd BIRTHDAY BETHANY HOPE VON OVEN

Bitter-Sweet

I was reminded today how bitter sweet parenting children can be after you have lost a child. On one hand, you look at your children and know what a true blessing they are in your life. On the other hand, you imagine your angel and every little moment and detail you are missing with them.

            There is a part of you that longs to be the parent your children need you to be and yet your broken, empty, LOST.

            I think one of the hardest things for me has been answering questions that I have no answer to. My ten year old daughter was probably the one who took Bethany’s death the hardest, because she could understand the best. She had wanted and prayed for a baby sister throughout my entire pregnancy. She would talk to me about all the things she would help me do once the baby came.

 In some ways, I felt like I had let her down; I had shattered her entire world. She is a new and young Christian, so there is still so much she is learning and does not understand. Many times after Bethany died, she would ask me, “Mom, why would a God who loves us let you carry a baby the whole time, just to take it away?”  How on earth do I answer this question to a child, when deep down I’m thinking the same thing?

The only answer I have ever been able to give her is my honest answer: I don’t know, but I do know that no matter what we go through GOD will never leave our side. He is always right there waiting to hold our hand, and guide us through the storms of life.

I’m not sure; WAIT, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to answer that question for my children, and I know that many days I STILL struggle with wanting to be angry with GOD for what I have been through. The closer May approaches and Bethany’s 2^nd birthday approaches, I find myself somewhat on edge and a little tense.

I know that God is trying to remind me that he is still there, and although some days I feel like pretending May doesn’t exist, because then I don’t have to relive that day or the moment my world came crashing down around me; God also reminds me that May 3, is a day I held one of the most beautiful little girls in the world, and I fell in love. Hurt may exist, but wrapped in that hurt is blanket of love I would not exchange for anything in this world