The Passing Years

There was a season of my life where I honestly felt I was either pregnant, nursing or chasing a toddler at any given moment. The nights were short and the days were long. I lived in a constant state of exhaustion and many times thought my strong willed daughter was trying to turn me gray by the time she was 3.  As crazy as life seemed at the time, I loved it. In fact, I felt as though THAT was the mom I knew how to be. I could change diapers, and play dress up or make believe for hours. Even when I felt defeated, sleep deprived and overwhelmed, I knew how to be THAT mom. I wanted them to be little forever.

            I fast forward to the life I have somehow morphed into today and I often question the mom I have become. When did I go from having it all figured out to simply running on fumes.

I have entered into a new level of exhausted and business. One I honestly didn’t know existed. I am a full time working mom whose kids are going from event to event then church, dinner, laundry, etc.  and honestly; I feel like I forget what day it is.

            This summer we literally had something going on every single week. My husband and I were talking about how busy this summer had been and all we had done. I began to think about how busy my life was now that my kiddos were older compared to when they were little. I found myself missing the moments of just being at home with them when they were little. I then began to think about what had made us so busy. Church camp, church missions, Church VBS, Youth events, and youth bible studies. God began to tug at my heart as I realized that there was no other type of busy I would want to be. My children are growing each and every day and I CAN’T get these moments back. Moments to serve God and worship Jesus Christ with my children.

            There is NEVER a day that doesn’t go by where my heart doesn’t stop and remember that as crazy is life is, it really should be just a tad bit crazier with two more feet running around.   God has given me the gift of knowing how precious and how short life really is. Tomorrow may never come, today is a gift…. USE it for Him! This is the BUSY kind of life I want right now. I want to be knee high in the middle of life with my kids. I want to look back on these moments and know that I GET to serve God with my children. I open my home to teenagers so that I can be a part of what God is doing in the life of my children. It will never be my home, but yet HIS home to use and bring people through to glorify His kingdom.

            The days are long, but oh the years are short. I no longer look over my shoulder to make sure my kiddos are following close by. I now pray that as they independently run ahead or fall behind, God is becoming their hand to hold instead of mine.

            I will never grow weary of hearing young people praising God! Knowing that at the end of the day all 3 of my children are in the mix of an amazing youth group learning that no insecurity, no failure and no fear can ever be greater than the love of God. I stand in awe that this is the life I get to have. These are the children I get to serve God with. One day I will look back and miss it all. The toddler years and YES, even the teenage years. I will miss the moments I got to be such a huge part of their life. The sleepless nights, the teenage hormones, the tears and mistakes are inevitable; I promise! I also promise that you will never look back and regret missing sleep to be involved. I am learning with every passing stage, that motherhood is never something I will get perfect or feel like I know how to do just right. I am growing with my children. Learning, crying, praying and growing. At the end of the day, my greatest treasure will be that our memories, mine and theirs, are intertwined forever!

Our Summer

My 3 Most Precious Treasures-School is Out-SUMMER VACA

1st Plane Ride!!!

Mall of America

Boat Riding

Minnesota

WOWBSAR-Their 1st youth event with ALL 3 of them in the Youth! :( 

Brayson's LAST Winshape

Braves Game

Fun at youth camp with my girl

Panama City Beach, Florida

(One of the BEST youth camps EVER) 

Watching my children wash each others feet and pray over one another. Humbling and Amazing! 

It is Well With My Soul

The first year of Bethany’s anniversary was fast approaching. I had told myself a million times I was ready, I was better, I was healed. Grief has a funny way of knocking you down and blindsiding your emotions in ways you never really see coming. I had become all too good at playing the game of telling everyone I was perfectly content and at peace with God’s decision.

The fate of my emotional state held true  when I stood in church that Sunday Morning. We had begun singing the song, It is Well With my soul. As the music softly played, Bro. Andy asked the most profound question. He said:

“Can you sing the words and mean it? I mean, TRULY mean it. Can you stand here today and truly mean that It is well in your soul. If not, don’t sing. Make peace with God, right here, right now, until you can without a shadow of a doubt sing, It IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.”

My body began to tremble as my hands clung tighter to the pew. Tears streamed down my face as my mouth felt bolted shut. I felt as though I was sobbing without control as my heart cried out to Jesus.

Oh, how I wanted it to be Well with my Soul. I wanted to release the hurt and anger I was holding on too. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg my Savior to give my little girl back and to take back the last year of my life.  I wanted to wake up from the nightmare I had endured. The only problem was it was no nightmare; it was my reality. My little girl had died. She was NOT going to come back.

I…COULD…NOT…CHANGE…THAT…

My hands gripped tighter to the pew and I wanted to run as far away as I could…

And then, like only my Savior can do. My tears faded away and my mouth began to sing. A peace flooded over me and I honestly knew I would be ok. I ached for my little girl in a way I never dreamed was possible and yet, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, It is well with my soul.

Sometimes my heart begins to race as Bethany’s birthday approaches. Some years I am fine, and others, not so much. As I sat in church this past Sunday, I could feel my emotions rolling back and forth like an out of control rollercoaster. As we stood to sing the invitation, I look up to see the words, It is Well With my Soul. Tears began to roll down my face without control. I quickly found myself facedown at the alter crying out to God. I miss her. I loved her.

My heart will always long for my sweet girl. With every passing year I will wonder what she would have looked like or could have been, but I will never doubt for one second that my Savior has not carried me through the Storm. He has taught me what it means to dance in the rain and see the light through the darkness. He has taught me that no matter what may come, no matter my lot, when sorrows like sea billows roll, it is Well with my Soul! Praise God, It is Well with My Soul!

And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, shall keep your hearts, your minds through Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7.

Cool Mom...NOT so Cool Mom...

My children are growing up these days faster then I care to believe. I fear as though I blinked and my precious babies, who completely depended on me and craved my very existence, are growing up!

I am not afraid to admit that I might not be the coolest mom in the world now that my kiddos are not so little anymore. They practically hit the ground running when we arrive somewhere to hang out and be with all of their friends.

I get it…kinda… I was a teen once too. Hanging out with your friends, chatting and catching up are the things to do; I’m not THAT old!

While I might not be the one they want to sit with, I still desperately crave to be in their world. I’m not exactly the kind of parent that has raised them and then just lets go…it’s just NOT MY STYLE!

They are at an age where kissing boo-boo’s and making play dates are not what really matters anymore.

They matter…

Their future matters….

Life matters….

Most importantly…God matters.

I want them to crave Him like no other, seek Him before any other, and Love Him like no other.

I had the opportunity to go with my children to Fields of faith a while back. If you have never been….W.O.W! Every high School and Middle School in the county gather in one stadium for the night. These young students worship, praise God, share drama and testimonies. I stood in true AWE at hundreds of young people in our community placing all else aside and loving God, worshiping our Savior, and standing before Him with their PEERS!

I watched as a band played worship songs and students gathered like sardines lifting their hands and praising God. My eyes filled with tears because MY babies were in the crowd. My kiddos were standing among their peers and praising God with no fear in sight.

I was proud!

I was honored.

Honored to be in their world. Honored and proud that God was showing me this was what it was all about.

I might not always get it right and I might not always be the coolest, but I have raised my kids to love the Lord.  My husband and I will guide them and show them daily that GOD matters, THEY matter. If we fail and get nothing else right in this world, we will guide them to Jesus.

Proverbs 22:6 proclaims:

“Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.”

The truth of Jesus Christ is a comfort that YES, cool or not, we are raising them to love Jesus and seek Him above all else in their World.

 I cling to my Savior that although I might not be the one my children spend every moment with as they grow up; that they fall in love with the One who will love them with a love I could only dream of giving them.

I long to show them…

They matter….because He matters!