Blog Fest~ My Story

Elisa(a blog friend) is having her book launch, and I am so excited for her! She has wrote about the loss of her son in her book, The Golden Sky. She has arranged a blogfest, so I will be telling my story again for those who might be new to my blog.

~Our eyes met and I feared the inevitable, and yet no matter what I did I still could not stop the words coming from her mouth, “You look great, when was the baby born?" My heart sunk as tears filled my already swollen eyes as I gently responded, “She didn’t make it." 

            It did not matter what she said at that point, I knew she felt bad, but I wanted to run as far from creation as my feet could take me. I guess a part of me had hoped people somehow knew and I would be sheltered from the awkward conversations. Unfortunately, this lady was not the first to ask about my baby.

            It had only been two weeks since my daughter’s stillbirth, and I was far from ready to be in public, but had no choice. My four year old son was graduating preschool and had to have his mommy there. My entire being wanted to wrap a dark blanket around my body and vanish into the back of the crowd praying no one would notice me; not quite my luck.

            I barely got inches into the church building and was greeted with hugs and apologies for my loss, which instantly brought tears to my eyes; so much for blending in. I listened as one mother gently put her hand on mine and said, “These things happen, I’m sorry for your loss”. I looked up and simply walked away as I tried to process what she had said. There was a part of me that was angry at her words because I thought, “No, these things DO NOT just happen”! I finally made it to my seat and felt as though as I was in some dream; this could not be my life.

            I watched my son sing his heart out, and I had to fight the tears from streaming down my face. While one child stands here singing songs of joy for graduating preschool; my other child is hearing songs of praise straight from heavens gates. How my heart aches for her and yet envy’s her.

My heart kept going back to that day. May 2 was a day filled with love and laughter as my church showered me with love. It was a long, hot and exhausting day.

 That evening after putting away the baby gifts; I climbed into bed to crash for the evening. I quietly laid in bed waiting for my sweet baby to begin dancing in my belly as she did every night when I crawled into bed, and yet this night there was a disturbing silence and stillness like never before. I jumped out of bed and drank a soda to hopefully disturb her silence and laid back down pushing my tummy all around.   My heart began to pound faster and faster as I watched the clock tick minute by minute and still no movement. I called the doctor and all I heard were her cold words saying, “Come in NOW”. I practically ran out the door telling my husband I was only going to get reassurance that everything was ok, yet I think I knew in my heart that everything was NOT ok.

The fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. With tears rolling down my face, I prayed and begged God to let my baby be ok, and yet he gave me no reassurance. The more I begged God to show me things were ok, the more I felt like God was saying things were not ok. It was as if he was trying to prepare my heart for the worst moment in my life, and I did not want to listen.

I think I must have morphed myself into the hospital room, because I do not remember parking or checking in. I remember lying on the hospital bed and the look on the nurse’s face as she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat. Hold on."  Five other nurses’ then came in with an ultrasound machine. They tried so hard to not let me see, but I saw my curled up and lifeless baby girl on the screen of that machine as the nurse turned and looked at me and said, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat."

I screamed, “God NO, God WHY?" My entire world came crashing down with those six words, and I knew I would never be the same.

May 3, 2009, is a day that will forever be in embedded in my heart and soul. It is a day when my sweet baby girl was born into this world, only to already be in the arms of Jesus. It was a day that I held pure love in my arms and watched as my heart was ripped into a million pieces. It was a day that I never thought I could endure.

My world crashed and burned faster than I could breath once Bethany died. I turned away from everyone I loved and buried myself in my grief. I began to write in my journal because it was the only way I knew how to express what my heart was feeling, but my mouth could not say.

2 1/2 years later, God turned my healing heart and journal writings into a book. I never thought I could reveal such intimate details about my life and my heart, but I knew that this was God's plan; Bethany's purpose. I pray that through my words, others can see Christ. I learned that my forever was never going to be without my daughter because my forever has yet to begin.

I will spend eternity with my sweet girl in my happy... ever... after....

I had imagined the moment I held my newborn baby girl a million times. I had fanaticized how amazing it would be, and yet the reality of that moment simply overwhelmed me. The moment Bethany Hope was placed in my arms was not the fairy tale I had imaged; far from it, but it was a moment were I instantly fell head over heels in love. I saw perfection upon looking in her perfect little soul. I saw my Savior.

To view my book: Still in My Arms

The Funeral

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

My heart was pounding as we pulled into the parking lot of the funeral home. I remember looking around thinking that this place would forever be part of my life and my memories. I walked inside the entry way and looked at the doors leading into my daughters funeral. What I'm sure was only a few seconds seemed like an eternity as they started to open the doors. I took about three steps and then there it was. I did not see the canvas picture or beautiful flowers surrounding her, I simply saw the smallest little urn sitting on this small round table and my heart sunk and my knees buckled, I was not sure I could keep going. Seeing the urn as I walked to the front of the church was a reminder that Bethany was gone and all that was left were her tiny remains in this tiny little vase, "how do I keep moving?" Somehow I made it to the front of the church and sat down as I sobbed on my husband's shoulder. Why was this hard? I could never have prepared myself for something like this and yet here I was with a front seat view to my own daughters funeral, it just doesn't seem right. I listened as our pastor spoke so perfectly of her name, Bethany Hope, and then as a friend began to sing the words to my favorite song. I had not ask her to sing this song, but I know that God laid it on her heart to sing, "You are my all in all". I remember thanking God at that moment for caring me through this and being my all when I had nothing left of myself. We left the funereal and I came home and crawled into bed. I had somehow spaced out the people and voices circulating throughout my home and slipped away into the covers. I think part of me just wanted that day to be over. I drifted off to sleep as I sang the following words through the tears hitting my pillow:

 

Words to ALL AND ALL

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my all in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel

Lord to give up, I'd be a fool

You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again, I bless Your name

You are my all in all

When I fall down, You pick me up

When I am dry, You fill my cup

You are my all in all

The beginning-Part 2

"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

 Psalm 18:2

I was coming too as the drugs they had given me had began to wear off, I see the nurse walking towards me holding my precious little girl. Tears begin to flow from my eyes as she places my little girl into my arms. I gently pull her close and sweetly kiss her head as I look at how perfect she appears. I can feel the silence in the room and see the tears falling from all who surround me, and yet I feel as though this can't be real. I lay Bethany on the bed gently cradling her head and began to dress her and carefully exam her perfect little body. My heart is pleading for her to open her eyes and this all be a mistake and yet she sweetly lays there, no motion, no sound, she's really gone! I had imagined this moment in my head a million times, the moment she was born and I saw her for the first time and yet this was nothing like the visions I had imagined. My heart began to pound as I thought of my other three children who were at a friend's house and had no clue, HOW would I ever tell them? Brad and I both felt we just needed to get through the day and God would show us how to tell them. We did agree that we felt it would be too much for them to see her pale body and red lips, I know God lead us to make the right decsion (Although any decision is ok, God will lead your heart in how to tell your children and if you should or should not let them see their lost sibling, this was just right for us). I'm sure many people had come and gone from my room that day, but I honestly can't remember. I curled up in the bed with my baby girl tight in my arms and drifted off to sleep. As I awoke from our nap for a minute I closed my eyes and prayed this was all a bad nightmare. As I placed her tiny face next to mine it was cold and I new this was only the start of my nightmare. Handing her over to the nurse felt like someone was ripping my heart out and simply walking out of the room with it. As I sobbed in my husbands arms, he bagan to sing the song, Restore to ME. At that moment we both knew that was exactly what we needed from our heavenly father, complete restoration. I had the honor of sitting in church months later and listening to him sing this song after telling our testimony. I felt touched and honored that God was being glorified even through our tears. We are being restored and will countinue  to be because Jesus Christ can and will restore even the broken heart that has been ripped away! 

Restore to Me by: Glory Revealed

Hide Your face from my sins
And cover my iniquities
Create in me a clean heart
And renew a right spirit within me

Don't cast me away from Your presence
Don't take Your spirit from me

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
Restore to me the wonders of Your love
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
Restore to me, restore to me

Deliver me from this hour of darkness
Through the pain and brokenness
And I will sing of Your loving kindness
and of Your righteousness

The beginning

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

May 3, 2009 is a day I will never forget, although many of the memories are vague in my mind, I will never forget the reality of that day! May 2, was my baby shower at church. It was a perfect, but a very long day and I was exhausted! By the time I returned home I had been gone a total of five hours, I was tired, swollen, hungry, and all of the other so called clichés very pregnant women seem to experience late in pregnancy!  It had been a long hot day, not to mention that I was 37 weeks pregnant and feeling rather large and ready for this baby to come. I quietly sat in the nursery and put away the wonderful gifts we had received and laughing at all the pink stuff we had been given, considering we did not know if it was a boy or girl! I crawled into bed for the evening, expecting the baby to keep me awake with her dancing in my belly, and yet nothing! I anxiously began to watch the clock and my heart began to pound harder and harder as my baby never moved. The drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. I tried to convince my self the whole way there that the baby would start moving and I was just crazy. I prayed  as tears rolled down my face. I would not let my husband take me to the hospital because I assured him everything was fine. I think I could feel God telling me the whole way to the hospital that it was not fine, but I was not ready to listen. I was beginning to feel very sick as they rolled the ultrasound machine over my stomach to reveal a curled up and lifeless baby girl. I laid my head back and cried, "God no, God why?"  The next few hours are somewhat of a blur. I don't think I talked much, I just laid and cried. The next morning, I was being induced to deliver my stillborn 37 week baby girl. Three pushes and out she came. I did not see her, I simply laid my head back, and closed my eyes as tears rolled down my face. My husband watched as her lifeless body came into the world. He fell to his knees and sobbed as he tightly held my hand. I am still not sure I will ever understand the reality of that day or how what I thought would be the worst day of my life GOD has turned into one of the best. I was meant to have my daughter and God has an amazing plan for her in our family, HE is the creator of life. On hard days, I remember that she is the arms of my savior and one day I will see her sweet face again....until that day, I cling to a Savior who has proven that Joy can shine even through death!