Take up your Cross...

“May I help you?”

“No thanks, I got it!”

These words seem to haunt me tonight as they run over and over again in my mind like a broken record. Four simple words and yet the weight they carry is so much more…

May I help you seems like such a simple request. You see, I go to Publix too often to count. They ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS say, May I help you? They offer to take my grocciers to the car if I have 3 bags or 30, they still WANT to help! My problem seems to be too many to count.

Rushed...

Children Arguing…

Pride…

I rarely say yes. I’m in a hurry or my kids are fighting. I always feel like a burden or that I can easily do it myself, so why should I let them help me?

Tonight my youngest son got upset with me when I tried to help him with his hair. “I’m not a baby mom, I CAN DO IT!” Ugh, those words stung like a bee. I could feel my children growing up way too fast and the need for mama fading even faster. As I walked away with tears in my eyes, I could feel that extra tug on my heart. It was about that time my boy came running in and jumped on the bed. “You forgot to give me our good night kisses mom.” Ahhh, there you have it. He did still want me; he was just growing up.

As I laid down in bed, I began to wonder how often God has prompted my heart, “Let me help, just take my hand, I’ve got this.” I then began to wonder how often I had pushed God away.

“No thanks, I got it!”

I often feel as though the weight of the world has fallen at my feet and yet I forget that it doesn’t have to be my burden to carry.

Simon was forced to carry the cross for Jesus. He truly carried the weight of the world on the cross.

I can only imagine how Simon must have felt when the Guards grabbed him and forced him to take the cross. What must have gone through his mind. Fear? Confusion? Anger?

Then, to look into the eyes of the Messiah. He was beaten, brutally beaten and exhausted beyond means. Was this really him? He stayed humbled, focused and ignored the crowds. 

Simon watched and followed the Messiah as the crowd mocked, yelled and ridiculed Him. I can only imagine what Simon was thinking as he swallowed his pride, took up his cross and began to follow His Savior.

I can imagine that Simon had no clue the impact of that moment in time, but he knew his life would be changed forever.  

The weight of the world had truly fallen at Simon’s feet and yet he was following the one who can truly take every burden straight to the cross. It was never his burden to carry, he was simply called to be obedient.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. Matthew 16:24

That moment at the cross might have changed Simon’s life, but it forever changed mine.

Parenting is tough

I found this picture online and I loved it! Are we this passoniate about our prayer life? Do we fall before God and just pray and listen? I want to be!

 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Every day I send my children into the world praying I have taught them well and I am guiding them in the right direction. Now, my children are far from perfect and I stumble and fall as a parent daily; I think we are often on a rollercoaster ride together!

As a parent who truly cares about every detail of my kids’ lives, maybe too much, I know I can appear to be too involved or overbearing. The problem is I love them too much and unfortunately I also know reality; I’ve been there! Unlike so many people I know, I know what it feels like to have your child one day and stand at their funeral the next. I know that tomorrow is no guarantee and that scares me to death sometimes.

At any moment any one of my children could be gone. I wonder with every event of their lives if I am guiding them in the right direction. I know it sounds crazy, but I can’t tell you how often I wonder if my words to them, my help or guidance might be the last thing I say or do for them.

I’m not saying I live in fear because I don’t, I just want to do everything right, I want to give them my best with every day that God gives me with them.

I mess up and fall flat on my face too many times to count. So often I really think I am helping and just end up making a big mess out of things. My heart is in the right place and I love them so much it hurts. It hurts that I don’t have my other little girl here to fight with, love on and make her life just as fun and crazy as my other kids.

When you lose a child you world is never the same, your life is never the same, and you could never parent the same way you did before.

I question every decision, doubt myself too often, and pray that one day these chains of grief that hold my heart captive will break free.

Being a parent is always a reminder that there is one sweet little girl in Heaven I will NEVER get to parent.

At the end of the day my only saving grace is that Christ holds the key to my heart. On days when I feel like everything is falling apart, HE is there. On days when I feel like it is too hard to be a parent, I turn to the only true Father I need to guide me.

On days when I have no answers at all, I fall to my knees and He is there to listen and guide. He is my example. I want to be a parent who listens, loves and guides. Who corrects and disciplines when needed.

 I want to be a parent who never stops caring and never stops trying no matter how often I think I may fail or get it wrong.

And most of all I want to be a praying parent who never stops seeking guidance from Christ!

Today is here and my sweet little girl is a daily reminder and gift to me that life is short.  I have to live each day doing the best I can and being who God has called me to be. I will always love her and miss her, but through her death I learned that I can’t get yesterday back, but I can decide how I will react about today no matter what the outcome may be!

It doesn’t matter if we try and fail or try and succeed, as long as you live your life for GOD! Mistakes are simply an opportunity for God to work on your heart and allow you to grow!!!

We have officially been back in school for one whole month. This means the so called craziness of what we call life has resumed in full force. In other words:

"Why don't you have shoes on? We are walking out of the house and I'm leaving NOW!"....

"Why do I need shoes?"

“Mom, I have NO more underwear left.”

 

"Mom, I left my lunch at home."

 “Hurry up and eat before we leave for practice.”

 “Where are your cleats? Where is your dance bag? HURRY UP WITH THAT HOMEWORK!

Did you practice piano?”

And my favorite: “DO we have ANY food in this house?”

Yes, this is what WE call life! The crazy thing is; I’m not sure I will ever get the hang of it. As crazy as most of those scenarios are, they are all true. Laundry seems like it has multiplied by 50 now that I have started working. I just never have time to keep up with it, and as soon as I do, there is MORE!!! 

I’m really not sure when there is ever time to go to the grocery store, I mean really; CEREAL for dinner???

I can’t tell you how many appointments I have forgotten or forgotten to even make; good grief!

I seriously need another me walking around reminding me what to do ALL day long. I am so very exhausted at the end of the day and so often I just don’t even know where to start when I do have 5 minutes to breathe.

The truth is; it’s killing me! I so want to be super mom. I want to be great at doing it all and be great at getting it all done and the reality is; I feel like I am miserably failing!

I want my family to be happy and I want my kids to love life, but I don’t want them to have a mom that never has it together.

Why is it that as a mom it becomes so easy and natural to feel like a failure when things go wrong? We place so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in all we do and we raise the bar so high that we can never obtain the perfection we are trying to reach.

I was half-heartedly tucking my sweet little boy into bed and he hugged me so tight he wouldn’t let go. I said good night and tried to pull away. I’m not sure I will ever forget his words…. “I’ll NEVER let go! I’ll love you FOREVER!” I sank into the bed beside him as tears filled my eyes. There was something about what he said that made me feel that Jesus was whispering those words in my ear. It was almost like He was using my sweet little boy to remind me that He was always there and He would never leave me, EVER!

Throughout all my imperfections and flaws, my Lord loves me just the same. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be super mom, and I never will! Now, am I going to have it all together by tomorrow, probably not, but I know that I am not alone. Jesus is there guiding me and reminding me that I can do this.

If we have cereal for dinner, well I don’t have to feel terrible because at least my family was able to eat. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and allow Jesus to help find a way and a plan to figure out this life that He has laid out for me.

I’ll NEVER let go! I’ll love Him FOREVER. He will Never let go. He will love you FOREVER!  Treasure the blessings God wants you to have….treasure the gifts and moments that often come through our children because the real truth is this;  I would not trade any of it for a moment of peace even if someone begged me :)

 

First Day of School 2012!!!

 

 

Mold Me

Have you ever tried to mold modeling clay? It can be really tough and hard to manipulate at first. It takes time and patience to allow the clay to soften up and mold the way you would like.

I have watched five year olds cry and throw the clay and often claim that it didn't work. They get frustrated and irritated when the clay is unmanageable.

I have tried to explain to them that it takes time and patience to work with the clay before it can be turned into a beautiful piece of art.

Have you ever tried to mold a person? What I mean is, have you have tried to mold someone and make them into what you want them to be? We complain, nag and often walk away feeling like all is lost when we can't get people to behave in a certain way.

Think of our children. Do we mold them? Change them? Do we pick out every little fault and flaw and attempt to dissect it from their very soul.

I think in the attempt to try and better our children, our spouse or friends, we often pick away at every little spec until we feel they are perfect.

I know most parents pick their battles, but sometimes I wonder if I am the one starting the battle? Unintentionally, I think too many parents hold on too tightly to their children; myself including. They begin to get older and crave independence and yet we still crave that control to parent them.

I began to wonder if we are really molding them in the first place? God has given us a family to love and cherish, not critique and change. Encourage and build up, not belittle and tear down. Ultimately, God is the one molding all of us. It is by his guidance and direction that we are who we are. He will guide us to guide our children. All direction comes through Him.

I think back to that modeling clay, and how it takes time and patience before it can become anything worth looking at. It amazes me when I imagine the amount of patience God most have with us. I picture us as being that stiff clay that can't be managed, and yet He is so patient.

He never throws us from his hand or stops molding. He leads, guides, directs, and listens. He looks past our insecurities and our faults and He teaches us to be more like him.

I can't help but wonder if we often put too much focus and what some people do wrong and not enough focus on what they do right!

Instead of molding those we love, what if we just let go and modeled a Christ like attitude. Serve as Christ did, and love as Christ did.

Christ is the potter; let Him take care of the rest!

He is the potter, I am the clay....Mold me and make me, this is what I pray!

Parenting...

I wish I was perfect....I wish I never yelled....I wish I always had the right answer, and I wish I could catch every fall before it happened; but, I'm not perfect and I don't live in a fantasy.

I did however fantasize about being the perfect mom. I wanted my kids to adore me. I wanted to love them,  protect them, and guide them through life with all the right answers.

When they were little, mom was who they cried for when they were scared or sick. I felt loved and needed. I felt comfortable and confident in caring for my young children. I felt as though I was called to be a mother. There was even a part of me that thought it was the only thing I was truly good at doing.

As time goes on, children grow older and parenting changes by the day. My babies are all gone, and my "big" kids are here. Somewhere along the road independence and a, too-cool-for-school, attitude has crept its scary head into my household.

I wish I could say I felt as confident as I did when they were babies, but I'm not so sure I do. I spend a lot more time in tears, and a whole lot of time in prayer. I get so frustrated when I hear people say no means no to a pre-teen. My guess is they have never raised a strong willed child!

Now, don't get me wrong, when we say no we want our kids to listen and we want them to understand we mean it, but discipline changes as children change. As we hit these early pre-teen and independence years, we are having to learn a whole new way of discipline that works for each child.

The truth is....I fail; daily. I say the wrong thing, and I act before I think way too many times. I find myself envious of other parents who seem to have it all together. I find myself feeling empty and lost because I feel so inadequate of being this parent they need right now. I fight a daily battle of teaching my children to stand up for what is right in a school and a society that is teaching the complete opposite.

My children feel like I always say no, but I feel like we live in a society that doesn't know how to say no. I want to protect my children, and yet I know they are going to have to make their own mistakes or they will never learn. I can never really be my children's friend if I really want to be their parent. My children might not adore me right now; in fact, most of the time they don't, but I pray that one day they will look back and respect me for loving them enough to say no.

I think the hardest thing for a parent is to let your children take the fall. When your child makes a mistake or is old enough to do something wrong.....then they are old enough to pay the consequences . As a parent we want to run in and rescue them, help them, save them. In the long run, all we are doing is hurting them. When a child can think for themselves, the parent cannot be responsible for every move they make.

Every night I crawl into bed wishing I had said or done something different with one of my children. I question if anything I am doing is even right. I pray for guidance and wisdom and I pray that God will lead my husband and I daily as we raise our children.

 God always seems to remind me that it is a daily task. He choose us to be their parents, even on the days and nights I just don't feel like I am getting through to them.  Those are the moments that I pray God will intervene. I pray that God will allow me to be the parent He wants me to be even when my kids are not acting the way I want them to act.

I'm not my children's best friend and I get called a mean mom way too many times to count, but I simply adore my children. I would be lying if didn't say that secretly my heart breaks every time I hear, your mean, your ruining my life, or the occasional , I hate you.... It makes me sad that it is not until we are grown and have our own children that we can look back at all our own parents did for us, and what we put them through. Taking care of an infant is hard, but raising a child is life changing! 

Through these trying parenting years, I have to remind myself that my children are facing so much more than I ever faced at their age. Sex, drugs and peer pressure are in our schools more than ever before. Reality is, they are not babies anymore. I can't simply walk the floor with them and hope the crying will stop. It takes true daily commitment, prayer, and  a desire that no matter what battle I might have to fight, I will do what is best for my children.

I think the truth is, I miss having a baby around because that is what I feel comfortable with, confident  in. I can no longer fill that void, so now I truly have to step up to the plate and be the mother my children need and deserve. It is amazing that I know once again I am not alone and God will stay by my side every step of the way.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13