Forever Thankful

Forever Thankful

This is not the way it was supposed to be. Why did my life fall apart?

I can't tell you how many times these questions have circulated round and round in my head. So many nights I find myself searching and pleading with God for answers that don't seem to exist. I crave my little girl so deeply I feel like I might explode some days. She would be two now, and I imagine her coming into my room because she can't sleep. I imagine her crawling into my lap as I gently cradle her and comfort her tears. I then find myself longing to hold her again, and yet it is my tears, and not hers I am wiping away.

 My heart is pleading to go back in time. Why did God need her.....I need her more!

I beg God to change the unchangeable because selfishly, I can't let go. I can't let go of wanting her back. I can't let go of missing her. I can't let go of the hurt. I can't get her back....but; I can let go and let God.

I am not sure why God choose me to the mother of an angel....I never thought I could. I never thought my heart could hurt and love with so much emotion all wrapped into one.

I never knew that I could be strong enough to be thankful for all I have been through and blessed for all God has shown me.

When your child dies, your heart is broken into a million pieces and you feel as though you must go through life as a broken puzzle, empty, lost....never the same again.

Along the journey, I realized that the puzzle was slowly being put back together and I had a choice to make.

I could be angry, bitter, and miserable for the rest of my life because my little girl was gone; none of which would ever bring her back or change what happened or, I could live. I could live through Christ who gives me hope and a future. He pulls me to my feet daily and allows me to smile and move forward. He reminds me that this life is short and one day I will see my sweet angel again.

I choose hope and I choose to be thankful. I am thankful for every minute of the 37 weeks He gave me with Bethany Hope. I am thankful for the sweet hiccups that kept me up night after night in my pregnancy. I am thankful for the little movements I would feel as she would wiggle and move across my belly. I am thankful for the precious 8 hours I got to hold her after she was born.

I'm thankful for the love of a Savior to pull me through even till the end.....

I am Forever Thankful for my Sweet Bethany Hope. She has made me who I am today!

Thanksgiving Wish.....

Give thanks with a thankful heart, Give thanks to the holy one, Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son. Give thanks as you gather today with loved ones and perhaps enemies as well. Give thanks that you are given this chance to be thankful and to love others as Jesus first loved us.

It's a day of thankfulness and yet what makes it so different than any other day? We gather around with those we love, setting aside pain and fear in hopes that for one day a spirit of thankfulness will consume our hearts.

So often trust and love are replaced with fear and uncertainty, obscuring our vision from ever really seeing the blessings in our life for which to be thankful for. We spend the whole year running and hiding and often pushing away the few things we truly are thankful for.

So many are learning to celebrate with loss or a change to their life.

We live in a world where so much goes wrong on a daily basis. Children dying, families torn apart, economic failure, and so much more. We each have so much to be angry and hurt about. We live our life in anger lashing out at anyone and everyone and then somehow, we begin to be thankful this time of year. We realize how blessed we truly are and we begin to count our blessings, and yet, what about the rest of the year?

I think back to the very first thanksgiving. The pilgrims had so much to be hurt and angry about. In reality they had lost so many loved ones and were so far from anything they knew as home. Regardless of all they had lost and all of their fears, they still gathered with new friends giving thanks to God for what they had and what they were given. They realized that despite the heartache and hardship, the Lord had still provided for them and was going to see them through; they had so much to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving or not thanksgiving, live like everyday were thanksgiving. Live like tomorrow may never come, because too often it doesn't. Live showing others a thankful heart in all you do. Let go of hatred, anger and fear and live being thankful in today.

Learn to let God heal your heart all year long and be thankful daily for the blessings He gives you.

Give thanks with a thankful heart.......

Psalm 69:30 "I will praise the name of God with song, And shall magnify Him with thanksgiving."

My Little Man

  If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

My heart was pounding as silence filled the entire room. I felt as though the world was standing still. My husband was silent as I questioned what was going on. I saw as they pulled his body up and he was blue all over and lifeless. My heart stood still in time.

They quickly took him over to a bed, and within minutes I heard the most beautiful cry in the world. The cord was wrapped around his tiny little neck two times and his whole body was quickly losing oxygen.

They placed my sweet Brayson in my arms and he stopped crying. He was perfect.

At 3 days old, my husband picked us up from the hospital, pilled us in a packed car; a VERY packed car, and we were on the road to New York. I still can't believe that I traveled all the way from Georgia to New York 3 days after giving birth....I think I cried the first half of the trip!

I guess I should have know that after the way Brayson's life started, he was going to be adventurous. He has always had a special spark in his eye where you always think he must be up to something.

He is a risk taker and would climb the highest mountain if given the chance. He loves with all of his heart. At age 6, he still gives the best hugs and kisses, and still says his parents are his best friends.

The world is his playground and he is always about five steps ahead....he never stops.

He is loving, kind, and a leader to others. He is independent and strong.

He adds so much life to our family and I could not imagine my life without him.

I am so very thankful for my Brayson Michael...

My sweet Boy

If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

Life with a two year old is anything but easy. Life was busy, crazy, fun, and well always on the go. I guess it was about that time that God decided our life needed a little bit more excitement.....a little boy. Kayla was 2 1/2 when Gabe was born. I was so excited and yet nervous to have another baby, especially a boy. I had no clue what to do with boys. I was terrified I might do something wrong.

He was the only baby my water broke with. He is also the only baby that my epidural did not work with. I was in labor all night long with Gabe, for 10 long hard hours. He was born early in the morning and my heart was overjoyed the moment they placed him in my arms.

I had no clue I could love another baby as much as I did Kayla. I had a special bond with Gabe instantly.  We called him happy Gabe because he was the best baby, and always happy.

Gabe has a love for others and a patience I wish I had. He is blessed with talent beyond means. He has simply grown leaps since he started taking piano and within days of buying him a guitar, he knows more then I could ever know.

He loves baseball and plays with all of his heart. He is a true team player no matter where he plays.

He is a brilliant and intelligent child.

He is a born leader because he has just enough fear to not follow the crowd. He has a heart for Christ and an eagerness to learn more.

I am beyond thankful for this sweet boy in my life. He took me from dress up and tea parties, to trucks and dirt. He taught me to wrestle and laugh and yet still hug and cuddle. I never knew the bond a mother and son could have until my sweet Gabe was born.

I am thankful for Gabriel Jason and the joy he brings into my life....

Thankful Gift

If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

I can't tell you how many times I feel like the rollercoaster has crashed and burned throughout this journey. Joy, love, hate, fear, terror and complete awe only begin to touch the emotions that come along with being a mother. Motherhood is by far the hardest job I have ever had and yet the only one that has brought me to my knees too many times to count.

In my fantasy world, I believed that having a baby would somewhat be like having a real baby doll. I dreamed of being a mother my entire life. I had the pretty clothes, hair bows and everything needed for my very first baby. Reality set in somewhere in the first few weeks when I realized that I was never up playing with my baby doll at 2 in the morning; fairy tale was long gone!

Unfortunately, it has not been until almost 11 years later, that I am finally grasping the concept of all my own mother did for me. The sleepless nights, stories told, and kisses given were so much more than just a duty; it was a gift.

Kayla was a blessing and a gift; really, a blessing in disguise. I was young and  immature when I had her. I felt as though I had betrayed my parents and all those whose loved me. My whole life I had dreamed of my marriage and having children, as all little girls do, only my fairly tale was like a book with missing pieces.

I was nineteen and the baby came before the marriage. How on earth could I ever be a good mother? This was no baby doll, this was reality.

I was zapped quickly from a new college student hanging out with friends and looking forward to a future in dance, to 2 a.m. feedings, swollen breast, and a screaming newborn; what now?

I'm not sure I was ever that mother I had envisioned myself to be; I think I'm still trying. Kayla was, and still is, a vibrant and exciting child. She kept me on my toes, and on my knees, almost daily; and still does!  

She still chases life as if it were a race and she has to win. She has energy beaming from her entire soul. She is thirsting for knowledge and independence by the day. She wants to be loved and has a personality that beacons  others to love her.

At times I have question God's motives in making me her mother. Although privileged and honored, I feel too weak to guide one so strong yet so young.

She challenges me daily, and more often than not, pushes me to be a better mother. Through her life, I was given the amazing gift of motherhood. The chance to love in way I never knew was possible and pray in a way I never knew I would have too.  

I love this little girl, I'm sorry...young lady, more than words could ever say. I am eternally thankful for the unexpected and precious gift of her life. I will forever stand in awe of this sweet, and very strong willed,  girl who allowed me to grow up way before my time. She reminds me daily of the amazing grace of a Savior and the forgivingness he offers when we so often seem to fall off track.

Today I am thankful for the gift of life, and the gift I was given through my sweet girl almost 12 years ago...I am eternally thankful for Kayla Elisabeth and the gift of motherhood.

Blog Fest~ My Story

Elisa(a blog friend) is having her book launch, and I am so excited for her! She has wrote about the loss of her son in her book, The Golden Sky. She has arranged a blogfest, so I will be telling my story again for those who might be new to my blog.

~Our eyes met and I feared the inevitable, and yet no matter what I did I still could not stop the words coming from her mouth, “You look great, when was the baby born?" My heart sunk as tears filled my already swollen eyes as I gently responded, “She didn’t make it." 

            It did not matter what she said at that point, I knew she felt bad, but I wanted to run as far from creation as my feet could take me. I guess a part of me had hoped people somehow knew and I would be sheltered from the awkward conversations. Unfortunately, this lady was not the first to ask about my baby.

            It had only been two weeks since my daughter’s stillbirth, and I was far from ready to be in public, but had no choice. My four year old son was graduating preschool and had to have his mommy there. My entire being wanted to wrap a dark blanket around my body and vanish into the back of the crowd praying no one would notice me; not quite my luck.

            I barely got inches into the church building and was greeted with hugs and apologies for my loss, which instantly brought tears to my eyes; so much for blending in. I listened as one mother gently put her hand on mine and said, “These things happen, I’m sorry for your loss”. I looked up and simply walked away as I tried to process what she had said. There was a part of me that was angry at her words because I thought, “No, these things DO NOT just happen”! I finally made it to my seat and felt as though as I was in some dream; this could not be my life.

            I watched my son sing his heart out, and I had to fight the tears from streaming down my face. While one child stands here singing songs of joy for graduating preschool; my other child is hearing songs of praise straight from heavens gates. How my heart aches for her and yet envy’s her.

My heart kept going back to that day. May 2 was a day filled with love and laughter as my church showered me with love. It was a long, hot and exhausting day.

 That evening after putting away the baby gifts; I climbed into bed to crash for the evening. I quietly laid in bed waiting for my sweet baby to begin dancing in my belly as she did every night when I crawled into bed, and yet this night there was a disturbing silence and stillness like never before. I jumped out of bed and drank a soda to hopefully disturb her silence and laid back down pushing my tummy all around.   My heart began to pound faster and faster as I watched the clock tick minute by minute and still no movement. I called the doctor and all I heard were her cold words saying, “Come in NOW”. I practically ran out the door telling my husband I was only going to get reassurance that everything was ok, yet I think I knew in my heart that everything was NOT ok.

The fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. With tears rolling down my face, I prayed and begged God to let my baby be ok, and yet he gave me no reassurance. The more I begged God to show me things were ok, the more I felt like God was saying things were not ok. It was as if he was trying to prepare my heart for the worst moment in my life, and I did not want to listen.

I think I must have morphed myself into the hospital room, because I do not remember parking or checking in. I remember lying on the hospital bed and the look on the nurse’s face as she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat. Hold on."  Five other nurses’ then came in with an ultrasound machine. They tried so hard to not let me see, but I saw my curled up and lifeless baby girl on the screen of that machine as the nurse turned and looked at me and said, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat."

I screamed, “God NO, God WHY?" My entire world came crashing down with those six words, and I knew I would never be the same.

May 3, 2009, is a day that will forever be in embedded in my heart and soul. It is a day when my sweet baby girl was born into this world, only to already be in the arms of Jesus. It was a day that I held pure love in my arms and watched as my heart was ripped into a million pieces. It was a day that I never thought I could endure.

My world crashed and burned faster than I could breath once Bethany died. I turned away from everyone I loved and buried myself in my grief. I began to write in my journal because it was the only way I knew how to express what my heart was feeling, but my mouth could not say.

2 1/2 years later, God turned my healing heart and journal writings into a book. I never thought I could reveal such intimate details about my life and my heart, but I knew that this was God's plan; Bethany's purpose. I pray that through my words, others can see Christ. I learned that my forever was never going to be without my daughter because my forever has yet to begin.

I will spend eternity with my sweet girl in my happy... ever... after....

I had imagined the moment I held my newborn baby girl a million times. I had fanaticized how amazing it would be, and yet the reality of that moment simply overwhelmed me. The moment Bethany Hope was placed in my arms was not the fairy tale I had imaged; far from it, but it was a moment were I instantly fell head over heels in love. I saw perfection upon looking in her perfect little soul. I saw my Savior.

To view my book: Still in My Arms

Liquid MAGIC!

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd;
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win, it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game...."

The batter is up and ready to go.  He slowly circles the bat through the air as his eye is locked in on the pitcher. Determination and perseverance hold strong as the first two strikes are thrown. The batter grinds his foot into the dirt and slowly leans forward as he sees the third ball coming his way. Adrenaline rushes through his entire body all the way through the tip of the bat.

"POW"

The bat falls to the ground and the batter is off rounding first and off towards second. Sweat dripping from his chin, the runner thinks fast as he looks up and sees the ball in thin air making its way to the glove of the second baseman.  The runner hears, "Down, down!" He quickly slides his leg out from under him and tags the base just in the nick of time.

He jumps up to takes his position while he attempts to  brush the red clay from his pants; his light gray pants that is.

I sit back and watch player after player slide in and out of base, collecting red clay as if it were candy. It has always boggled my mind that boys who played sports always seemed to have light colored pants and they played in red clay; I'm I missing something?!?!?

For so long I have felt like a bad mom. I have never been able to get my sons light gray baseball pants clean. I complain to my husband all the time and tell him that whoever designed base ball pants must not be the person doing the laundry at home! I soak, I scrub, I soak, I scrub, I soak, I SCREAM....then I soak, and they still have stains.......I'm going crazy; till now!

I found the secret....and it's a good one!

PURPLE POWER GREASE REMOVER....yes, I know it is for your tires, and NO I'm really not crazy. ADD this to your laundry room!

DO not soak. Wet the pants, spray on the red clay spots, get a good scrub brush, and scrub. Do this all over the pants. Rinse and throw in the wash...OH MY, I think it even got out dried in red clay stains...it is that good! My sons pants have not looked this good ALL year! This stuff is MAGIC!!!

As I was cleaning the pants and watching the stains fade away, literally like magic, I went running it our room with a huge smile on my face. I tried to explain my joy of this phenomenon to my husband, and well, he just laughed that I was this excited about getting red clay out of some pants! :)