Cool Mom...NOT so Cool Mom...

My children are growing up these days faster then I care to believe. I fear as though I blinked and my precious babies, who completely depended on me and craved my very existence, are growing up!

I am not afraid to admit that I might not be the coolest mom in the world now that my kiddos are not so little anymore. They practically hit the ground running when we arrive somewhere to hang out and be with all of their friends.

I get it…kinda… I was a teen once too. Hanging out with your friends, chatting and catching up are the things to do; I’m not THAT old!

While I might not be the one they want to sit with, I still desperately crave to be in their world. I’m not exactly the kind of parent that has raised them and then just lets go…it’s just NOT MY STYLE!

They are at an age where kissing boo-boo’s and making play dates are not what really matters anymore.

They matter…

Their future matters….

Life matters….

Most importantly…God matters.

I want them to crave Him like no other, seek Him before any other, and Love Him like no other.

I had the opportunity to go with my children to Fields of faith a while back. If you have never been….W.O.W! Every high School and Middle School in the county gather in one stadium for the night. These young students worship, praise God, share drama and testimonies. I stood in true AWE at hundreds of young people in our community placing all else aside and loving God, worshiping our Savior, and standing before Him with their PEERS!

I watched as a band played worship songs and students gathered like sardines lifting their hands and praising God. My eyes filled with tears because MY babies were in the crowd. My kiddos were standing among their peers and praising God with no fear in sight.

I was proud!

I was honored.

Honored to be in their world. Honored and proud that God was showing me this was what it was all about.

I might not always get it right and I might not always be the coolest, but I have raised my kids to love the Lord.  My husband and I will guide them and show them daily that GOD matters, THEY matter. If we fail and get nothing else right in this world, we will guide them to Jesus.

Proverbs 22:6 proclaims:

“Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.”

The truth of Jesus Christ is a comfort that YES, cool or not, we are raising them to love Jesus and seek Him above all else in their World.

 I cling to my Savior that although I might not be the one my children spend every moment with as they grow up; that they fall in love with the One who will love them with a love I could only dream of giving them.

I long to show them…

They matter….because He matters! 

Mommy Confessions...

                As a mom, I often have trouble defining my own identity.

Who am I?

A wife, a mother, a teacher, chauffeur, chef, counselor, friend, role model, nurse (although NOT a very good one.) But, do these things REALLY define who I am.

I came across this list above and at first I laughed, then gasped at the fact that I believe I have literally done ALL of them…WHAT… that is insane, I mean, really insane. I seriously began to question my authority as a parent for my dear children.

As the overwhelming guilt and somewhat disgust came over me, I began to realize, YES, I did do these things.

My child has peed in a parking lot while I quickly tried to hide his naked rear end, I have licked a pacifier clean after it has fallen, Lord knows where, just to stop a crying baby, I have, shamefully, given the underwear sniff test and  prayed to God my child at least HAD socks on, clean or not.

 I HAVE done it all, and yet never once did I stop and think about it. Never once did I hesitate to do any of these things because they are MY children given by my creator for me to love, cherish and develop even through the chaos of life.

So many times in my life I have doubted my ability to be the mother they need; honestly to be the mother they want. I have so often wished I could be the pulled together mother of perfection who has it ALL together ALL the time, but then, reality sets in.

I often run late, or snap when I should not, point out failures instead of giving grace. I look in the mirror too often and see my own imperfections in my OWN children. OUCH!

I am not perfect, however HE is. My creator is perfect beyond measure and has not only created me, but He has equipped me to be the mother they need, perfect or not. I am NOT the fairy tale mother I often invasion in my head.

So, what am I? Who am I?

Have you ever questioned if God made a mistake? What was He thinking! I can’t possibly be what these children need, I CAN’T possibly grow children for His kingdom when I fail too much to count!

^“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Have you ever watched a young child “create” a masterpiece of art for you? They are excited, giddy and glowing with delight. They beam with joy as you rave about their accomplishment.

The definition of masterpiece is a person’s greatest work of art; mastery.

Wow, if you REALLY sit back and soak that in, imagine God beaming because we are His work of art, His masterpiece made for His purpose.

^“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

Who am I? I am His! Imperfect, yet perfectly created in His imagine for His purpose.

Who am I? I am theirs! Chosen for them. Four beautifully crafted creations, designed for His purpose, for me to guide through Him.

My identity is found in Christ who is found in me. My identity is found in the mother I crave to be. My identity is found in the wife I long to be. My identity is that through Christ, my family will not see me, but see Him!

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My Loss...His Gain!

Philippians 3:7–9 
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

                      

   Today is Infant & pregnancy loss awareness day, but the reality of losing a child is that every day is a day you remember. Every morning you wake up and every breath you take is a moment they are not here with you; forgetting is not an option.

Often times the pain comes flooding back as if the nightmare has never ended.

You vividly remember the moment your world came crashing down in a matter of seconds. The pain hits so hard you can hardly breathe.  The puzzle that had become too scrambled to fix was the nightmare you so desperately want to escape.

Was it real?

Did these things, this crippling pain really happen?

Your body often stood paralyzed from the inside out.  Standing, siting, and walking were chores that once never took a second thought. You went through the motions and would often pretend to be strong and yet your entire being was screaming to be set free and break the bondage that held you a prisoner.

I was so often broken and beaten; lost and alone. The suffering was suffocating me from within and I had no escape. I was a prisoner to my own pain and crying out with words of helplessness. I found myself on my knees to many times too count and found myself searching and pleading. I wondered if it would ever end. I wondered if I was strong enough. I wondered what God’s plan must be.

I was recently challenged to look at the life of Paul. Paul was a great leader and yet every earthly gain he had ever achieved was of absolutely no value do to the fact that he realized his worth and value were completely found in Jesus Christ. Wow! This has really hit me lately. My children, my family, my life; they are His.

All HIS!

My reward and worth are nothing if I don’t have Jesus Christ.  I began to ask myself if I cherish Christ more than anything else in my life, even more than my children; His children? What if that meant He could take my child at any time, my spouse? Oh…. He has numbered our days. I can find joy in her life in the days He allowed her to have or….ask myself again.

Do I REALLY cherish Christ and TRUST Him more than ANYTHING else in my life?

The answer is yes, oh; but that yes does not role easy off of my tongue. I WANT my children. I WANT to protect them at all cost….

I can’t; He can!

YES He can! I have suffered SUCH loss, but have GAINED so much more in HIM. I know because of Him and His greatness that I will see my little girl again. I know that because of His goodness and His love He has brought me through trail after trail. I have overcome.

Bethany Hope is a gift. A gift of hope and treasures in Christ. I can share her story of hope, grace and love. Her story of triumph through grief. His story of overcoming.

Our battlefield is here every day right in front of us.  I often forget that the ones I treasure the most, the ones that need to see me lose everything to see His riches as gain, are the ones I love the most.

Lord, I pray I can wipe away the tears of pride and hurt and turn my eyes to you. Father remind me to fall at your knees and loss my worldly ways and Gain my ALL in you!

My Girl

My GIRL

 

Tears filled my eyes as we said our prayers on the way to school. My kids and I have said morning prayers before school for as long as I could remember, but these prayers were different; challenging you could say. It was the first day of school and unlike anything I could have prepared myself for, it was my baby girls’ FIRST day of HIGH SCHOOL! Really…WAIT…NO….WAY!

When did she grow up, when did I grow up???

 

 

Since the day she was born I have had so many hopes and dreams for her and my heart began to flood with fear and insecurity that this was it, time had slipped away before my very eyes. Had we taught her enough, what had we missed? As the tears streamed from my face this verse began to tug on my heart:

Psalms 139:13-16 “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

The Lord has a plan for her and her life. He has molded her and formed her perfect in His image. My fears and insecurities of this world will hold me captive if I let them chain me to doubt and delusions.

I have faith in my daughter. I BELIEVE in my daughter. I believe that she is a child of the King of Kings and there is nothing in this world she cannot do. I believe that she has never been more ready to spread her wings and soar to her full potential that Christ has in store for her life.

I pray that she will believe in herself as much as I do. I pray she will take risk and learn that life may not always be fair, but Christ is always there.

I pray she will fall deeper and deeper in love with her Savior than she ever could have imagined before she falls in love with the one God has for her.

I pray she will never take for granted her true beauty and know all she is worthy of and never settle for anything less.

Per-pressure will come; I pray she stands firm and strong in what she knows and believes.

This world will feed her lie after lie and attempt to deceive her with things that appear right or simply feel good. I pray she seeks the guidance of her Savior…I can’t always protect her anymore.  I pray that when she fails and feels like a failure, God will scoop her into His arms and show her how to forgive her self and NEVER give up.

I pray she will never lose the love to serve others, especially those less fortunate. I pray God will give her a heart of compassion for all of those who surround her and need Him more than she needs materialisms of this world.

Most of all, I pray the God will let the light inside of her shine as bold as he sees fit. Allow her to be who He intends her to be and give her the strength to be that light in a dark world.

Be BOLD my sweet girl and NEVER hide from the person God designed you to be, for you and you alone were fearfully and wonderfully made!

You will forever be MY GIRL!

 

The Perfect "Imperfect" Christmas

‘Maybe Christmas’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a store…maybe Christmas perhaps…means a little bit more!’” – Dr. Seuss

The anticipation of Christmas is almost too much too handle. I love everything about Christmas time; it is by far my favorite holiday of the year. There is just something about Christmas, a magic in the air; only problem, the magic seemed to be missing. From school work, work, kids, house and every other holiday party or performance in between, the magic seemed lost.

I was determined for this to be a perfect Christmas. Since I started working full time I can’t help but shake the feeling that my family has not had the best of me. I hate the feeling that I am always too tired or too busy or just not available for my kids lately. Feeling like a failure in my kids eyes is one of my worst nightmares and yet my nightmare seemed more like a reality on most days.

In the hustle and bustle the days seemed to slip away and December was half way over. I love getting a Christmas tree and decorating with my kids and yet, no tree, no excitement….no magic.

My heart sunk into my inner soul as we walked around and looked at the picked over and pathetic looking trees left. I could feel the tears in my eyes as my perfect Christmas seemed to be slipping away.

We took the only tree available and took it home. We decorated it and prayed the poor little branches would open up and look more full, but yet, the more the tree relaxed the sadder it looked. I empathized with myself by saying it did not really matter. If we just turned the lights on and let them shine bright then no would notice.

The truth was, my tree was not at all what I had imagined, in fact; nothing was! The more I tried to make Christmas perfect, the more I seemed to fail. The Christmas I imagined was lost in the reality of everyday life. Christmas was a complete loss; or so I thought.

I began to realize how much I resembled my poor little tree. I so often am hopeless and pathetic to all of those around me. I feel lost and alone and yet it takes a Savior who loves me unconditionally to shine a light into my life and take the insecurities away.  

Christ put that light back in my heart. He reminded me that it’s not about the hustle or bustle and it is not about the perfect Christmas, it is ALL about Jesus. I was reminded that God gave the ultimate gift all of those years ago and that gift was so much more than perfection. It was love, dedication and sacrifice.

As I sat around and enjoyed every second of today, I remembered the love I have for my children. A love that is not about perfection, but a love that is imperfectly perfect in every way! Through the imperfection and letting go of the visions I had for the perfect Christmas, I began to see that everything I needed was sitting right in the same room with me.

Christmas is not about the glitz and glamour or the perfect Christmas tree. It is so much more!

When I see the blessings surrounding me I realize that life could not be any more perfect….Count your blessings…count them one by one…they just might be imperfectly PERFECT!

Merry Christmas 2013

Letting Go...

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20

Have you ever felt like your life was slipping away and every moment you are living you are fighting just to breathe? Obstacles become too big, situations spiral out of control and life takes a drastic shift into overdrive!

Finances, jobs, marriage, secrets, children, addiction, death, pick your poison; they seep into your soul and take your feet out from under you. You are often left breathless while chasing yourself for some sense of normalcy in world that too often seems flipped upside down.

We like to say that God is in control and yet forget to follow up with faith in believing He truly is. We seek, search and plead for His help and yet still take control as though we can handle it all. We show the world our battle is ours and we can control it, and yet we fight a fight that so often leaves us soaking in our sorrows, lost and alone.

The truth is, we will always feel alone and lost when we attempt to conquer the world or life on our own. I know I land on my face almost daily and yet Christ loves me enough to not let my stay there. He picks me up and leads my battle into His hands.

So often I claim to have it all together. I play the game of owning control and grace to be perfect in an imperfect life and world. The problem with acting as though life is perfect is that it always seems to land me back on my face before the Lord crying for Him to take over, take control and guide me.

I am so often reminded through life that I can’t do it without Him and I don’t want to. No battle is too big for God, but any battle is too big for me alone.

I want him to show up and take control. I want Him to steal the light or pride standing in my way of seeking Him. All eyes on Him. I want Him to take my heart, my life, my dreams and expectation and magnify it to His glory.

The show is all about Him and through any poison seeping into your life, He can and will take control.

Give Him control to steal the show!

Stress-Free

I think it is pretty safe to say that my life has a crazy level of stress. I have three kids, a husband, a full time job, church, piano practices, baseball, soccer, dance, and a whirlwind of appointments that always find a way of creeping in.

There are so many days when I really feel like I might explode. There are moments I pray I actually make it to the end of the day with some sense of sanity left.

Most days I am exhausted; I mean really exhausted! I never knew my body could ache this much. I know I am getting old, but really?!?!

I have learned that just about E-V-E-R-Y night I need a little peace….I need to unwind. Taking a relaxing bath has become my unwind time. Some nights I literally might only get 5 minutes to soak, but there is just something about completely immersing my body into the hot water and just being for a few minutes that I can’t go without.

The other night as I was soaking in my bath and thinking of how blessed I was to be off my feet, God began to speak to me. What if I craved Him as much as I did my nightly bath? What if my day just could not end without just 5 minutes in His word, 5 minutes soaking up His love for me.

So often I feel like I find an excuse to not spend time in God’s word or to just stop for 5 minutes and thank God for all He is doing in my life, the good and crazy!

Life is stressful, but I can’t forget to let God be a part of every moment of my life. He needs to be the one I run to when I need to unwind. He will comfort, shield, and grant me the rest I need.

Let Him be your relaxation and soak up His love and grace. He is ready and waiting to pour the abundance of His love onto you and me today!

  "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30