Mommy Confessions...

                As a mom, I often have trouble defining my own identity.

Who am I?

A wife, a mother, a teacher, chauffeur, chef, counselor, friend, role model, nurse (although NOT a very good one.) But, do these things REALLY define who I am.

I came across this list above and at first I laughed, then gasped at the fact that I believe I have literally done ALL of them…WHAT… that is insane, I mean, really insane. I seriously began to question my authority as a parent for my dear children.

As the overwhelming guilt and somewhat disgust came over me, I began to realize, YES, I did do these things.

My child has peed in a parking lot while I quickly tried to hide his naked rear end, I have licked a pacifier clean after it has fallen, Lord knows where, just to stop a crying baby, I have, shamefully, given the underwear sniff test and  prayed to God my child at least HAD socks on, clean or not.

 I HAVE done it all, and yet never once did I stop and think about it. Never once did I hesitate to do any of these things because they are MY children given by my creator for me to love, cherish and develop even through the chaos of life.

So many times in my life I have doubted my ability to be the mother they need; honestly to be the mother they want. I have so often wished I could be the pulled together mother of perfection who has it ALL together ALL the time, but then, reality sets in.

I often run late, or snap when I should not, point out failures instead of giving grace. I look in the mirror too often and see my own imperfections in my OWN children. OUCH!

I am not perfect, however HE is. My creator is perfect beyond measure and has not only created me, but He has equipped me to be the mother they need, perfect or not. I am NOT the fairy tale mother I often invasion in my head.

So, what am I? Who am I?

Have you ever questioned if God made a mistake? What was He thinking! I can’t possibly be what these children need, I CAN’T possibly grow children for His kingdom when I fail too much to count!

^“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Have you ever watched a young child “create” a masterpiece of art for you? They are excited, giddy and glowing with delight. They beam with joy as you rave about their accomplishment.

The definition of masterpiece is a person’s greatest work of art; mastery.

Wow, if you REALLY sit back and soak that in, imagine God beaming because we are His work of art, His masterpiece made for His purpose.

^“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

Who am I? I am His! Imperfect, yet perfectly created in His imagine for His purpose.

Who am I? I am theirs! Chosen for them. Four beautifully crafted creations, designed for His purpose, for me to guide through Him.

My identity is found in Christ who is found in me. My identity is found in the mother I crave to be. My identity is found in the wife I long to be. My identity is that through Christ, my family will not see me, but see Him!

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My Loss...His Gain!

Philippians 3:7–9 
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.

                      

   Today is Infant & pregnancy loss awareness day, but the reality of losing a child is that every day is a day you remember. Every morning you wake up and every breath you take is a moment they are not here with you; forgetting is not an option.

Often times the pain comes flooding back as if the nightmare has never ended.

You vividly remember the moment your world came crashing down in a matter of seconds. The pain hits so hard you can hardly breathe.  The puzzle that had become too scrambled to fix was the nightmare you so desperately want to escape.

Was it real?

Did these things, this crippling pain really happen?

Your body often stood paralyzed from the inside out.  Standing, siting, and walking were chores that once never took a second thought. You went through the motions and would often pretend to be strong and yet your entire being was screaming to be set free and break the bondage that held you a prisoner.

I was so often broken and beaten; lost and alone. The suffering was suffocating me from within and I had no escape. I was a prisoner to my own pain and crying out with words of helplessness. I found myself on my knees to many times too count and found myself searching and pleading. I wondered if it would ever end. I wondered if I was strong enough. I wondered what God’s plan must be.

I was recently challenged to look at the life of Paul. Paul was a great leader and yet every earthly gain he had ever achieved was of absolutely no value do to the fact that he realized his worth and value were completely found in Jesus Christ. Wow! This has really hit me lately. My children, my family, my life; they are His.

All HIS!

My reward and worth are nothing if I don’t have Jesus Christ.  I began to ask myself if I cherish Christ more than anything else in my life, even more than my children; His children? What if that meant He could take my child at any time, my spouse? Oh…. He has numbered our days. I can find joy in her life in the days He allowed her to have or….ask myself again.

Do I REALLY cherish Christ and TRUST Him more than ANYTHING else in my life?

The answer is yes, oh; but that yes does not role easy off of my tongue. I WANT my children. I WANT to protect them at all cost….

I can’t; He can!

YES He can! I have suffered SUCH loss, but have GAINED so much more in HIM. I know because of Him and His greatness that I will see my little girl again. I know that because of His goodness and His love He has brought me through trail after trail. I have overcome.

Bethany Hope is a gift. A gift of hope and treasures in Christ. I can share her story of hope, grace and love. Her story of triumph through grief. His story of overcoming.

Our battlefield is here every day right in front of us.  I often forget that the ones I treasure the most, the ones that need to see me lose everything to see His riches as gain, are the ones I love the most.

Lord, I pray I can wipe away the tears of pride and hurt and turn my eyes to you. Father remind me to fall at your knees and loss my worldly ways and Gain my ALL in you!