Friday, May 27, 2011


Change is often inevitable, and yet we all fear it like the plague! I think the worst is when we know change is coming, we try to prepare ourselves, and yet we are still left feeling lost.
                In December, God brought the most precious little girl into my life. She was 9 months old and her parents were in desperate need of new childcare for her. I already kept another little girl that is the same age, so I though it would work out perfectly. It did not take long for Kathryn to mesh right in and adjust to her new schedule at my house. I guess the part that surprised me was the rather fast friendship I formed with her mother.
                Not only did I make a friend I will treasure forever, but I made a friend I truly admire. She is a Godly woman who took on motherhood and work so gracefully. She was able to balance her role as a mother, wife, and teacher with a grace I so deeply admire. She was quick to help me in a jam and was always willing to work with my schedule.
                I know that God never makes mistakes, and will bring the right people into our lives at exactly the right time, but it is so hard to say good-bye. I knew from the beginning that Suzanne was moving at the end of May, but I never expected to make a friend I looked up to and respected so deeply.
                I strongly dislike many types of change in my life, and yet in other ways I welcome change. Saying good-bye to a dear friend has really made me stop and look at my life. So many people value themselves on being well liked and having a large number of friends. I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have had my entire life, and to me, that is worth more than any gold in the world. I would rather value the few close friends I am blessed to have, then brag that I have tons of friends.
                The few close friends I do have mean the world to me, and I am not sure I tell them that enough. No amount of change or miles across the world should keep true friends from communicating, and being a part of one another’s life.
                Change is hard. Change is a part of all of lives at some point or another. We can either embrace it or know that God has new and great things in store, or we can be angry and bitter. What do you choose today?

My Sweet little Kathryn...

Our pedicures! :)
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Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Little Star

My daughter had a very big weekend this last week. The two things she loves doing the most are dance and acting. She had her end of her dance recital on Saturday night, and our childrens chior at church had their end of year program on Sunday night. She was very excited because she had one of the main acting rolls in the play where she got to act like a spoiled little diva. I must say, she did amazing at both.

         It was so hard on my heart watching her get all dressed up for both events. For the dance show, she gets to get all dolled up with make up and everything. UGH, I felt like I watched my little girl grow up right in front of me. I did not like seeing her look so much older. It was also hard watching her act with the children's program because this is her last year with them. In august she will move up to the youth. I can't believe my baby girl will be in 6th grade, MIDDLE SCHOOL!

      This is the child who made me a mother. This is the child who made me grow up. This is the child that I can't imagine my life without. As crazy as she drives me sometimes, I am so proud of the young lady I know she is starting to become. I am nervous for her as she branches out and starts this new unknown adventure in her life, and I pray I am able to be the mother she needs. It is so hard to let go of the younger years and expand into these older and I am sure more challenging years, but I know God will hold my hand, and I will survive these pre-teen years!

So pretty!

I love that Smile!

The CRAZY backstage...

Ok...Little brother was holding her skirt and crawled up into the tree...

Her acting moment where she learned that it was not all about her,
but about GOD! :)

My two little stars....

 3 of my FAVORITE People!
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Thursday, May 19, 2011


It seems like the harder I try and slow life down these days, the faster it goes. Over the last month I have had to take two different teaching certification tests over an hour and half away from my house. I have never been very fond of test. I get extreme test anxiety and almost nauseous at the thought of having to take any sort of timed test, better yet, a four hour test which I was scared to move even for a second.
                As I was walking out of the second test, I wanted to cry. I was overcome with emotions and fear. Fear of failure, and fear of the unknown. I had just sat through a very long four hour test; a hard test. I had been studding every night for weeks, and part of me felt like I knew nothing.  I can’t get a job if I don’t pass these tests. The results of these two tests hold my future; or so I thought.  
                As I was walking out to the car, I could feel the presence of God so strongly telling me to just let go. I tell my children all the time to try their hardest and if they have prepared and practiced, then that is all I ever except from them; why can’t I do the same? I have done everything I can do. I have to remember that my future does not rely on the results of these two tests; my future is the hands of Christ. Pass or fail, God is still in control and has a plan for my life.
                This week I got the results from the first test, and……I PASSED! The crazy thing is, God really has given me a peace. I was not nervous at all. I did cry when I saw the results from pure relief and excitement. I still have to wait two more weeks for the results of the second test, but I believe that God is using this to make me stronger.
                I can remember feeling very nervous as I was driving to take the first test. It was dark and very early in the morning and I just could not get a grip on my emotions. I said a prayer and ask God to please give me the strength to get through this. I got to thinking about my sweet Bethany. I remembered time after time falling to my knees in tears and prayer praying and begging for Christ to give me Strength. I know that I am stronger because of my daughter’s death, and I know that my strength is not in me, but comes through me in Jesus Christ. I will never stop missing Bethany, and I still have moments when I want to break down and pretend none of this happened to me, but it did. And I can’t imagine standing here today without the power and strength of my Lord Jesus Christ.
                There was a song that played on the radio on my way to take my test and then on my way home. The name of it is Stronger. I love the words. I cried throughout the whole song. So many times in this life, the waves of life are pulling us under and we feel like we are drowning and there is no hope. There is hope, Christ is our hope. Our life Situation will and can make us stronger if we allow Christ to use us and guide us throughout the journey. Things don’t always go our way, but they will go God’s way if we only open our eyes, reach out our hands, and allow Him to lead us in His direction.
                The hard times can and will make you stronger, if and only if you are giving it to God and allowing Him to use them for his glory. God can turn the ugly into beautiful!

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011


IT was the weekend before Bethany's birthday, and we were really feeling like we needed some serious family time. So, we packed up to the car and right after Gabe's baseball game we headed to our favorite lake for a campout. NOW, the kids have been so excited about this campout. The whole week they had been looking forward to it. I had been getting things ready all week so that we would have everything we needed to have the perfect campout.

Ok, I think we both know that "PERFECT" doesn't really exist anywhere on this Earth, but I tired.....and failed! Gabe's game ended late and we got a late start. I forgot way to many things to even start counting...and let’s just say that the first night was not picture perfect.

We finally did get the tent put up, dinner made, and my husband managed to make an awesome fire pit out of wood they went and gathered....yes, I was amazed! As I was falling asleep that night, listening to the sounds of nature, I realized that perfect doesn't have to exist. Who cares if we didn't get there when we planned? Who cares if I forgot some things? I was falling asleep under the stars with a family I could not be more blessed to have. This camping trip is what we make of it. The next day truly was amazing. We played card games with the kids, water gun fights, ultimate Frisbee games, built sand castles, and enjoyed our family.

In my eyes, all the joy I saw in my kids was worth all the mishaps that so often come with life!

My babies...

My sweet boy.

Water Gun War!

Frisbee Battle....
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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Homemade Mac-n-Cheese

Homemade Mac-n-Cheese

This has to be a favorite in our house, and it is SO seriously easy and SO yummy!

-1 box elbow macaroni
-3 TBL butter
-1/2 block Velveeta cheese cut into chunks (or use the store brand)
-1and 1/2 bags shredded Colby/jack cheese
-1 8oz can evaporated milk
- salt and pepper

~Cook macaroni until almost done (al dente). In large casserole dish combine cooked noodles, Velveeta cheese, butter, 1/2 bag of the shredded cheese and salt and pepper to taste. Mix together and add evaporated milk. Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes or until melted. Stir together. If it is too thick, add regular milk to make it creamier. Top with shredded cheese all over top and bake till melted.

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Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm So In LOVE!

I think I have dreamed of being a mother my entire life. As a little girl, I would play house with my baby dolls for hours upon hours. As a teenager, I loved to be around anyone who had just had a baby; I simply loved them! As soon as I was old enough to baby sit, I babysat anyone and every child in my church. My youth pastor lived down the street and it is amazing they didn’t get sick of me. Even when I wasn’t watching their precious daughter, I practically lived at their house just so I could play with her; I adored children!
                I feel like I have been a mother for most of my life. My daughter made me grow up, allowed me to grow up, and has taught me how to be a mother. Although nineteen is not the age I would recommend anyone starting motherhood, it definitely matured me much faster than most people my age. While most of my friends were still in school, I was learning to breastfeed, change diapers, and quiet a fussy baby.
                I look back now at my first years of motherhood and I can’t believe how far I have come. I can see all of the mistakes I have made and the things I wish I had done different, but I wonder if it really matters.
                Being a mother is the hardest and yet most rewarding job I have ever had. I want them to have more than I have ever had. I want to shield them from all hurt and pain, and yet I have already watched the tears stream from their face as I told them their sister had gone to Heaven.
                I can’t protect them from the pain of this World, but I can teach them that we are a FAMILY, and family loves each other no matter what we go through in life.
                The Greatest Gift GOD has ever given me has been the gift of MOTHERHOOD, I don’t deserve His blessings, but I am honored He loves me and choose me to be the mother of Four AMAZING children. I love you FOREVER:
Kayla Elisabeth, Gabriel Jason, Brayson Michael, and Bethany Hope

My precious Girl...Where has 11 years gone....

My boys.

My most PERFECT mothers Day Gift.
It has ALL 4 of my kids initials on it, with little angel feet on the end...

Gabe made me this...My favorite is where he wrote( never gave up)

....My baby boy made this at school, why can't I just FREEZE TIME...PLEASE!

My sweet girl made me this All by herself, I love it!
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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

                I will never forget the moment I took the first, second, third, and yes even forth pregnancy test. I was elated with joy that I was really going to have another baby. My dreams of having four children were really going to come true. We had prayed for another child. We wanted this so much for our family and truly felt as though God had blessed us beyond belief.
                I often think back to those early moments of joy and wonder if the heartache and suffering has overshadowed so much of the joy I felt in my pregnancy. I loved being pregnant; really, I did. I loved getting big, and feeling those tiny hands and feet move around inside of me. I loved hearing her tiny yet fast flickering heartbeat every single time I went to the doctor. It never got old to me.
                I only wish I had known that her fast little heartbeat would fade away into the night along with every hope and dream I had for her. I am so blessed for the time God gave me with her, because it was joy; pure joy. I love the memories I have of my pregnancy and I love the video I have of her ultrasounds. I love every minute of her life that I was able to experience.
                There is a part of my heart that so desperately wants to run as far and as fast as I can screaming for God to make things different, and allow Bethany to be here with me. Yet, there is another part of my heart that has come to see that God had bigger plans for my sweet girl, plans I still can’t imagine. The hopes and dreams I originally had in store where not big enough for the plans that my Heavenly Father had in store for such a precious little life.
                Through her death, she has a voice and a story, and I am proud to be her mother. My daughter along with so many other angels are changing this world and helping others see that: God can make a difference and He is bigger than any obstacle or challenge we will ever face on this Earth.
                2 years ago today, she came into my life, and changed me in ways I never even thought were possible. Thank you Father for the gift of LIFE through my daughter’s death. I am who I am today because Of a God who never gave up on me and a little girl who has given me more strength than I ever could have imagined.

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