As Bethany’s birthday approach’s, I find myself going back in time and rerunning so much of my life after her death. My heart had never hurt or ached the way it did in the months following her death.
Most nights I cried myself to sleep as my body would simply fade away into the darkness of the night. I forgot how to be a wife, mother, daughter and friend. I was angry and bitter at my Lord for allowing me to go through something so horrific that I was blinded to the blessings right beside me.
As the weeks and months continued to go by, I would allow myself to get dressed and go to church, but I was simply playing a part. People would say hello and hug me and tell me how great I looked to be out after Bethany and my blood clots. I remember thinking, “They have no clue.” I would come home, change and fade away into my covers, praying God would change something and make me feel better.
Week after week this continued until I was becoming unrecognizable to myself and my family. I was allowing my hurt and my pain to rob me of my entire soul; I was lost! I began reading my bible and clinging to every healing bible verse I could find. Daily, I found God pulling me to my knees in tears. I realized that I was not dealing with my hurt, I was simply angry for God for what I had been through. God began to show me that He had to bring me to my knees and make me come to terms with my loss, and that even though my daughter was gone; He still loved me, and He was still there.
Over time, I let go of my anger and allowed God to show me that Bethany was a blessing in my life, and through my anger I was missing out on the other blessings right in front of me.
I was driving past the hospital the other day where I had Bethany and I began to recap all I had been through, and this song came on the radio. I felt as though God had the lyrics written just for me.
My favorite lines are these:
“What if your blessings comes through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears, and what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near.”
This is SO true, because we serve a God that loves us SO much, that my blessings have come when I have cried myself to sleep for the thousandth time as the rain was hitting the window. I have woke up in the middle of the night praying God would heal my heart because I didn’t think I could take the pain anymore, and what simply amazes me is that He did.
Yes, I have been hurt and I have been through pain. I will still have bad days, and I will always miss my daughter. I will fall short as a mother, and I will make plenty of mistakes as a wife. I will strive to do my best and yet still fall short. I do not deserve the blessings that God gives me on a daily basis that I so often forget to say Thank you for, and yet He so freely gives me. My God is so giving, and yet I am so often wrapped up in my own insecurities that I fail to notice how truly blessed I am. I AM BLESSED!
I will never look at my daughter’s death as anything other than a BLESSING, because I will see her again; and that is because of the healing power of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!