And the Gift goes on.....

And the Gift goes on.....

The lights in their little eyes sparkle with delight as they run down the stairs and stand in awe. The anticipation, anxiety and much awaiting morning has finally arrived. They all sit patiently waiting for the ok to dive in and see if their wish came true.

I sit cuddled in my blanket in pure joy watching my children and the excitement beaming from within. The gifts go on and on and the laughter and joy seem to circulate throughout the room.

It was a day filled with worship, love and laughter. We had the honor of going to church on Christmas day and celebrating the birth of a King; the reason we even have Christmas.

Without that first precious gift, no other gift would be worth giving.

The day went on as our children quietly explored their new activities and dad so patiently put many together.  Our youngest however was not feeling well, so I found myself gently holding him as he faded off to sleep in my arms.

I couldn't help but imagine that night in the manger; that night that Mary so gently held our Savior. The night that our World was forever changed with a gift. A gift that goes on forever. I wonder if Mary knew as she looked into His eyes that she held the world. She held the gift that was born to die.

She held the one gift that was born to go on forever and ever......

I imagine how so many get wrapped up in all that Christmas is not and forget to place the most important gift under their tree. I love Christmas and all of the traditions that come along with it, but if we leave Christ out, it's just another day.

The most amazing thing about that very first gift was that it was the gift of eternal life. It was the gift of forever.....

It is a gift that so many need and so many need to give and continue to give.

It is the gift that goes on and on and on.....

It is the gift of LOVE.

Merry Christmas!

The Journey

A Story...Lost in Time

I woke up in a daze. I felt out of sorts and wasn't quite sure where I was. I began to walk around as if I was in some sort of twilight zone.

There were lights and people everywhere. The streets were crowded as children and adults ran faster and faster to get ahead of the crowd. My heart began to race as the commotion grew stronger and stronger.

I stood in the center as if I were I statue frozen in time. Parents and children alike dashed passed me, breaking me down faster and faster.

There were tears and laughter and even screaming as people ran by. What was going on? What was this important?

I suddenly felt strangely cold as I wrapped my blanket tightly around my shivering body. My curiosity began dancing around in my mind and I was like a child in a candy store.

I had to know....what was going on!

I followed the ever growing crowd as we walked further and further into what seemed like the unknown. The dark clouds began to steam above our heads. My stomach began rolling in knots and this did seem good.

My feet grew tired and my body was numb.

My mind was racing as I wondered if we walking after anything at all. Could anything be this important?

This special?

Worth this?

Just when I felt like I could go on no more, I saw a light coming from the center of the crowd and a man collapsed on the ground.

Who was it? Where are we? What is going on?

I made my way closer as I heard some laughing and others crying; I was so confused.

"Crucify Him!"

WHAT?!?  It was Jesus.... Could this be real? This had to be a dream, but I was intrigued. I couldn't take my eyes off of Him.

I looked around and realized I was really in Jerusalem.

I watched as the crowd followed His broken and beaten body all the way to Golgotha to be crucified.  They yelled and screamed and my heart broke.

I watched Mary as she watched her son. She watched as He was beaten and hung on a cross. I looked deep into her eyes as I saw the love and hurt.

I was taken back to the manger and the moment He was born. Mary gave birth to the Savior of this world. She obeyed God and she loved Him and cared for Him. She trusted that God had a plan.

I wonder what so many must of thought as Jesus died on the cross that day. Where they too taken back to the manger and the realization that this truly was the Savior?

I think about the journey from the manger to the cross and what He went through to teach so many, and yet it was not until He was gone that so many really understood.

I thought about the journey of so many that walked that road to Golgotha. The tears, exhaustion, cold and fear no longer mattered. What mattered was that moment and that they believed. It wasn't how they got there, but that they had followed the journey.

I think back to my own journey and the one that we each face every day. When Bethany died part of me died and I didn't want to go on. I wanted to fast forward and just feel better, but I couldn't. I had to let my heart feel, heal and deal with what I had been through. I had to face the journey.

So  often we want to skip the journey and have God give us all the answers right away. We want to know why, when, where, and how at our demand and we forget that the journey is a precious gift. A precious gift teaching us patience, hope, love and perseverance.

Without the journey from the manger to the cross....there would be no reality that Christ loves us enough to walk through life just as we are. There would be no promise, no hope.

Without the journey we would have no hope that it truly does hold the most amazing and precious gift ever...eternal life.

"Every Journey starts with the First Step"... ann.

A Lilfetime of Memories....

I ran down the stairs, practically missing half of them, as I jumped to the bottom and ran into the kitchen. It was amazing I actually used the stairs and not the banister. You see, my cousin Bethany and I used to think we had these special powers. We thought we could jump from the top of a banister and land on the ground which just so happened to be another set of stairs going down to a third level. We would put a bean bag on the stairs and the idea was to land on the bean bag and then slide down the stairs. Looking back, it really sounds genius for a 5 and 6 year old to even come up with that kind of plan.

It is AMAZING we never got hurt. Although, we were quite the pair. It didn't matter if we were jumping off stairs, climbing trees or making mud pies, we just loved being together.

As I ran into the kitchen this particular day, I was beyond excited. Bethany was there and It was a day full of fun activities. Bethany and I climbed up onto the stools and grinned from ear to ear. We were all decked out in our fancy outfits for the festivities of the day. Leotards and pink tights.....yes, that is what we loved! My mom had wax paper spread out all over the counter. There were bowls and pretzels. We were making chocolate covered pretzels; and she didn't even care that we made a mess!

Next on the agenda; and I love this, old fashion decorations. We took berries and pop corn and put it on strings. We then went outside and decorated our front bushes with our homemade garland.

I can still remember our Christmas tree. It seemed so big and pretty to me. I loved running into the family room and just starring at the lights sparkling on the tree. My mom always had the tree lights on. She would play Christmas music as we decorated and worked on activities. I think my favorite was Rocking Around the Christmas Tree. I don't know what it was about that song, but we would sing, and laugh and dance all over the house.

I loved everything about Christmas. The tree, lights, decorations, goodies, and festivities with my cousins. My mom did such a good job of making the holidays feel special. It was never about how much money we had or what we were doing, but it was about the memories we were making.

She always made sure that we were a big part of everything. I know at times it seems easier for me to decorate or make the cookies myself because there is way less mess and it goes faster. As I look back to my own childhood, I am reminded that my own mother made sure the children were a huge part of everything; she never did anything alone. It is those memories that makes me love Christmas so much.

I want that same warm loving Christmas in my own home. I want my children to look back and remember decorating, baking and running around the house dancing to Christmas music.

I think how often Christ refers to children and reminds us to have the heart of a child. I think it is because children are so carefree and love and believe with all of their hearts....

I pray that you can set your busy schedule aside this holiday season and make memories that will last a lifetime!

An Empty Cradle and the Promise of a Manger....

My heart grew numb as she walked in with the baby. I felt flush and red all over. I wanted to run and yet my feet were glued to the ground; I was trapped!

Of all babies WHY was I letting this one get to me? My eyes were glued to his as I contained the tears from streaming down my face.

I saw the empty cradle as they gently brought it in, but I had no clue....I didn't know!

My mind flashed back to the empty cradle that once sat in my own house....the cradle I longed to fill and yet never could. The cradle that etched its place on my wall and in my heart of what never was.

My mind came back and I again found myself starring at the reality of the baby.  The tiny baby who represented everything that this World needs and the tiny baby who left me breathless and lost in this very moment.

I didn't expect him to be real, and yet He was....She placed him in the manger and I stood in awe of what I wanted and what I had hoped for.

You see, it was our church choir practice, and this was baby Jesus. How could I be jealous of THIS baby? Why is my heart hurting now?

I watched as he so peacefully laid in the manger and I wondered if my sweet girl would have done the same. I wanted to run to the manger and beg to have my moment back; beg for my cradle to be whole and not empty. Beg to go back in time!

I would often sit and stare into Bethany's empty cradle and I would wonder what I was looking for and how I was going to move on. The more I gazed into the manger the more I realized what I was looking for was  there all along; my cradle was never really empty.

The hope, love and promise of my Savior was there, placed in a manger all those years ago. He was sent to take the pain of this world, SO we didn't have too.

It was a gift sent so many years ago. It was the promise sent in the manger; It was the gift of Christmas. It was the gift to guide us through heartache, trials, and joy. It was the gift that never stops giving and the gift to save us forever.

The empty cradle that rocks back and forth through my mind is ever so sweetly filled with love and Grace by my Savior who reaches in and fills my heart.

Christmas will come and Christmas will go, but the promise and the gift of Jesus Christ is eternal. There will always be moments in my life where the emptiness seems to overwhelm me and the memories are too real.

The manger was just another empty manger until our Lord and Savior was placed upon it.

Are you willing to accept the only real gift you need this Christmas and let go of the emptiness in your heart????

It's the gift of Christmas....It's the Promise sent in a manger!

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

James 1:17


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Follow ME?!?!

"ME first, ME first!" ....the children all yell as they run toward the playground slide.

"ME first, ME first!".....as the teacher ask for a volunteer in the classroom.

The need to be first. The desire to want so badly what is being offered. The anticipation of what is to come.

The sad thing is; we live in a "Me first" society. Cars racing to cut one another off. People pushing and shoving to get in front of someone. Our children might learn this concept at a very young age, but I'm not so sure we ever really get over it.

We live in a society where we so badly want what others have, that often we do whatever it takes to get it.  We follow the wrong crowd or push and shove our way to the top. We so badly WANT to be noticed and acknowledged.

I have to admit...I wanted it too. It sounded nice. Well, at least I thought I did... That desire to have others accept you and what you have to say.

It was one year ago today when I first started my blog, and at first I had no clue what I was really diving into. I wanted to share my story and attempt to help others as well. I literally JUMPED right in. I had no clue what having a blog really even entailed.

After a while, I realized that people where following my blog; I was intrigued. I was a little shocked and flattered that anyone would want to read what I had to say. After a few months I began seeing tons of information being passed around about making your blog bigger and gaining more followers; yes....I thought it sounded great.

I few months later, I realized that I had began to check and notice if I had more followers and I was very curious to see if anyone commented on my post. It was about that time I saw the picture above and boy did it hit me. It was not about me or how many people I had following my blog; that's not why I write!

Every since my baby girl went to Heaven, I have a love and desire to write what God has placed on my heart. I am terrible with words when I talk face to face with people, and I stumble over myself too many times too count! I felt as though writing was my escape and my way to express what my mouth could not say.

I temporarily got lost in the publicity of wanting what others had. I realized that I write for me and often to give praise back to God for what He is doing in my life; good or bad. It doesn't not matter if a million people read my blog or none. What matters is that I am doing it for the right reasons.

It is Christ who I pray others will aim to follow. I pray that others will see Him in all I say, do and write. I pray that when all of the material things of this world fade away, others will still see Christ in me.

We don't have to push and shove our way to the top; if fact, the first shall be last and the last shall be first. So  often we think we know what we want and desire when in reality, stepping down and back from the crowd will often show you what really matters the most.

Follow Christ and aim to lead others toward Him in your actions.....He wants your time and your love and most importantly, your heart! Love Him today! Follow Him today!

Too Busy!

The waiting room was cold and crowded, as if this were the place to be. We rushed in to quickly sign in, considering I was 15 minutes late; why am I always late? We found a seat in the back of the room squeezing our way past others. I sat down and instantly wondered how long this was going to take.

I looked around at the others holding their jackets and bags, as if they were in as big of a hurry to leave as I was, only no one was going anywhere......we all sat....and we all waited! I thought back to the moment where I was practically running out of the school dragging one child, pushing another to move faster, and balancing two bags under my arms as we ran across the parking lot in the FREEZING cold, to jump into our car and speed across town.....only to wait!

As the waiting began to take control of my six year olds unbelievably impatient body, he began spinning very fast circles on his belly in the doctors round chair. I tried to look past the fact that we were at the doctor to check up on the child who already broke his arm and it appeared as though my six year old was trying to break one as well....I almost couldn't blame the child. As we approached the two hour mark my mind was racing as fast as that chair.

I remember how fast I had left the house this morning, and what a MESS everything was. I had thought that I could get it all clean when I got home, start some laundry....and even catch up; so much for that.

It's a good thing we love the doctor we see because he came in and Gabe is all set! He even took his cast off. Now, he is in a brace for two weeks.....finally.

We left the doctor's office and ran to the car; really, was it going somewhere? I guess I was just so tired I really wanted to get home. I was determined to get home fast so I could still cook dinner. Well.....It just so happened that there was a wreck on the way home.

I could feel my nerves as my whole body became tense and discouraged? I attempted to take a short cut which only ended up taking me longer to get home; just my luck!

I caved. I ran into the store and picked up dinner. I really just wanted to go home.

We finally get home, ate dinner, and now what? My day was so  busy and not stop all day, as I seemed to be just going through the day to day motions of life.

We clear the table and I realize the dishwasher never got started....(That would have been my job this morning)...I look at the surrounding dishes and just walk away.

To my sweet surprise, my husband stepped in and hand-washed ALL the dishes that were left out. He has no clue how much this really meant to me.

I was sitting on my sons bed and listening to him read to me when it hit me. Is this what living for Christ is really about??? How often do we go through the daily grind of life and stay so busy that we forget to invite Christ in? How often do we get so wrapped in the next event when sometimes we can't even start the first one.

Do we overload our life to the point where Christ is the one in the waiting room?

Life can get busy, it's inevitable, but we don't have to let it get the best of us. On busy days, you don't have to be the superhero....It is ok to get help or ask for help, especially from your heavenly Father.

As I kissed my children, I realized that no matter how busy a day gets, I could never be too busy to stop and kiss them.

No matter how busy my life gets....I could never do it alone....

Never get so busy that God can't intervene!

It's MAGICAL

I've got the magic, magic, magic......

Magic fills the winter air. The smell of cinnamon and cookies circulate throughout the house leaving your mouth watering for more. The lights glimmer and shine beaconing anyone who walks by too smile with delight.

This time of year simply has magic waiting at the doorstop.  I'm not talking about a make believe or fairy tale magic, but yet a magical feeling deep within. The magic of life is a feeling like no other.

It's the joy we see as our children explore and discover life. The pure essence and innocence of grasping the concept of a new invention or idea.

That tingle in your heart when you fall in love for the very first time.

That moment as a song begins to play and your heart connects so deeply that you feel the tears begin to flow.

Words, pictures, places and smells will spark not only the most dearest memories, but the reality of the magic that lives within each one of us.

When you are willing to let go and live, you open your heart to a world of possibility. A world full of laughter, love and a magical feeling within.

The magic of life is that for which we must hope for. Here on Earth we get a taste of this magically feeling , an through Christ we get so much more; we get the promise of Eternity.

We can't escape the darkness or deep valleys that we so often seem to become tangled within and seem to crush our magic into a pile of fairy dust.

It seems to me, that the magical feeling of life so often comes through the valleys we face.  The sleepless nights or bad days are so often comforted by a sweet voice, a warm embrace and an irreplaceable memory forever stretched in your heart and mind.

That moment where Christ puts you exactly where you need to be and gives you exactly what you need.

The magic of life is a feeling of living and loving. It's a breath of fresh air on a sun kissed morning.

It's the magic that shines on my children's faces as they race out on Christmas morning with laughter and delight, and more than just presents they remember the most important gift of all.

They shine  with a light brighter then all because we were sent a Savior to love us, guide us, and give us these most amazing and precious moments in our life!

Never let one day go by without letting yourself live and feel a little magic....never let one day go by without living and feeling Christ in your life!

Forever Thankful

Forever Thankful

This is not the way it was supposed to be. Why did my life fall apart?

I can't tell you how many times these questions have circulated round and round in my head. So many nights I find myself searching and pleading with God for answers that don't seem to exist. I crave my little girl so deeply I feel like I might explode some days. She would be two now, and I imagine her coming into my room because she can't sleep. I imagine her crawling into my lap as I gently cradle her and comfort her tears. I then find myself longing to hold her again, and yet it is my tears, and not hers I am wiping away.

 My heart is pleading to go back in time. Why did God need her.....I need her more!

I beg God to change the unchangeable because selfishly, I can't let go. I can't let go of wanting her back. I can't let go of missing her. I can't let go of the hurt. I can't get her back....but; I can let go and let God.

I am not sure why God choose me to the mother of an angel....I never thought I could. I never thought my heart could hurt and love with so much emotion all wrapped into one.

I never knew that I could be strong enough to be thankful for all I have been through and blessed for all God has shown me.

When your child dies, your heart is broken into a million pieces and you feel as though you must go through life as a broken puzzle, empty, lost....never the same again.

Along the journey, I realized that the puzzle was slowly being put back together and I had a choice to make.

I could be angry, bitter, and miserable for the rest of my life because my little girl was gone; none of which would ever bring her back or change what happened or, I could live. I could live through Christ who gives me hope and a future. He pulls me to my feet daily and allows me to smile and move forward. He reminds me that this life is short and one day I will see my sweet angel again.

I choose hope and I choose to be thankful. I am thankful for every minute of the 37 weeks He gave me with Bethany Hope. I am thankful for the sweet hiccups that kept me up night after night in my pregnancy. I am thankful for the little movements I would feel as she would wiggle and move across my belly. I am thankful for the precious 8 hours I got to hold her after she was born.

I'm thankful for the love of a Savior to pull me through even till the end.....

I am Forever Thankful for my Sweet Bethany Hope. She has made me who I am today!

Thanksgiving Wish.....

Give thanks with a thankful heart, Give thanks to the holy one, Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son. Give thanks as you gather today with loved ones and perhaps enemies as well. Give thanks that you are given this chance to be thankful and to love others as Jesus first loved us.

It's a day of thankfulness and yet what makes it so different than any other day? We gather around with those we love, setting aside pain and fear in hopes that for one day a spirit of thankfulness will consume our hearts.

So often trust and love are replaced with fear and uncertainty, obscuring our vision from ever really seeing the blessings in our life for which to be thankful for. We spend the whole year running and hiding and often pushing away the few things we truly are thankful for.

So many are learning to celebrate with loss or a change to their life.

We live in a world where so much goes wrong on a daily basis. Children dying, families torn apart, economic failure, and so much more. We each have so much to be angry and hurt about. We live our life in anger lashing out at anyone and everyone and then somehow, we begin to be thankful this time of year. We realize how blessed we truly are and we begin to count our blessings, and yet, what about the rest of the year?

I think back to the very first thanksgiving. The pilgrims had so much to be hurt and angry about. In reality they had lost so many loved ones and were so far from anything they knew as home. Regardless of all they had lost and all of their fears, they still gathered with new friends giving thanks to God for what they had and what they were given. They realized that despite the heartache and hardship, the Lord had still provided for them and was going to see them through; they had so much to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving or not thanksgiving, live like everyday were thanksgiving. Live like tomorrow may never come, because too often it doesn't. Live showing others a thankful heart in all you do. Let go of hatred, anger and fear and live being thankful in today.

Learn to let God heal your heart all year long and be thankful daily for the blessings He gives you.

Give thanks with a thankful heart.......

Psalm 69:30 "I will praise the name of God with song, And shall magnify Him with thanksgiving."

My Little Man

  If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

My heart was pounding as silence filled the entire room. I felt as though the world was standing still. My husband was silent as I questioned what was going on. I saw as they pulled his body up and he was blue all over and lifeless. My heart stood still in time.

They quickly took him over to a bed, and within minutes I heard the most beautiful cry in the world. The cord was wrapped around his tiny little neck two times and his whole body was quickly losing oxygen.

They placed my sweet Brayson in my arms and he stopped crying. He was perfect.

At 3 days old, my husband picked us up from the hospital, pilled us in a packed car; a VERY packed car, and we were on the road to New York. I still can't believe that I traveled all the way from Georgia to New York 3 days after giving birth....I think I cried the first half of the trip!

I guess I should have know that after the way Brayson's life started, he was going to be adventurous. He has always had a special spark in his eye where you always think he must be up to something.

He is a risk taker and would climb the highest mountain if given the chance. He loves with all of his heart. At age 6, he still gives the best hugs and kisses, and still says his parents are his best friends.

The world is his playground and he is always about five steps ahead....he never stops.

He is loving, kind, and a leader to others. He is independent and strong.

He adds so much life to our family and I could not imagine my life without him.

I am so very thankful for my Brayson Michael...

My sweet Boy

If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

Life with a two year old is anything but easy. Life was busy, crazy, fun, and well always on the go. I guess it was about that time that God decided our life needed a little bit more excitement.....a little boy. Kayla was 2 1/2 when Gabe was born. I was so excited and yet nervous to have another baby, especially a boy. I had no clue what to do with boys. I was terrified I might do something wrong.

He was the only baby my water broke with. He is also the only baby that my epidural did not work with. I was in labor all night long with Gabe, for 10 long hard hours. He was born early in the morning and my heart was overjoyed the moment they placed him in my arms.

I had no clue I could love another baby as much as I did Kayla. I had a special bond with Gabe instantly.  We called him happy Gabe because he was the best baby, and always happy.

Gabe has a love for others and a patience I wish I had. He is blessed with talent beyond means. He has simply grown leaps since he started taking piano and within days of buying him a guitar, he knows more then I could ever know.

He loves baseball and plays with all of his heart. He is a true team player no matter where he plays.

He is a brilliant and intelligent child.

He is a born leader because he has just enough fear to not follow the crowd. He has a heart for Christ and an eagerness to learn more.

I am beyond thankful for this sweet boy in my life. He took me from dress up and tea parties, to trucks and dirt. He taught me to wrestle and laugh and yet still hug and cuddle. I never knew the bond a mother and son could have until my sweet Gabe was born.

I am thankful for Gabriel Jason and the joy he brings into my life....

Thankful Gift

If you are here for the blog fest from The Golden Sky....then click here to read my story.

I can't tell you how many times I feel like the rollercoaster has crashed and burned throughout this journey. Joy, love, hate, fear, terror and complete awe only begin to touch the emotions that come along with being a mother. Motherhood is by far the hardest job I have ever had and yet the only one that has brought me to my knees too many times to count.

In my fantasy world, I believed that having a baby would somewhat be like having a real baby doll. I dreamed of being a mother my entire life. I had the pretty clothes, hair bows and everything needed for my very first baby. Reality set in somewhere in the first few weeks when I realized that I was never up playing with my baby doll at 2 in the morning; fairy tale was long gone!

Unfortunately, it has not been until almost 11 years later, that I am finally grasping the concept of all my own mother did for me. The sleepless nights, stories told, and kisses given were so much more than just a duty; it was a gift.

Kayla was a blessing and a gift; really, a blessing in disguise. I was young and  immature when I had her. I felt as though I had betrayed my parents and all those whose loved me. My whole life I had dreamed of my marriage and having children, as all little girls do, only my fairly tale was like a book with missing pieces.

I was nineteen and the baby came before the marriage. How on earth could I ever be a good mother? This was no baby doll, this was reality.

I was zapped quickly from a new college student hanging out with friends and looking forward to a future in dance, to 2 a.m. feedings, swollen breast, and a screaming newborn; what now?

I'm not sure I was ever that mother I had envisioned myself to be; I think I'm still trying. Kayla was, and still is, a vibrant and exciting child. She kept me on my toes, and on my knees, almost daily; and still does!  

She still chases life as if it were a race and she has to win. She has energy beaming from her entire soul. She is thirsting for knowledge and independence by the day. She wants to be loved and has a personality that beacons  others to love her.

At times I have question God's motives in making me her mother. Although privileged and honored, I feel too weak to guide one so strong yet so young.

She challenges me daily, and more often than not, pushes me to be a better mother. Through her life, I was given the amazing gift of motherhood. The chance to love in way I never knew was possible and pray in a way I never knew I would have too.  

I love this little girl, I'm sorry...young lady, more than words could ever say. I am eternally thankful for the unexpected and precious gift of her life. I will forever stand in awe of this sweet, and very strong willed,  girl who allowed me to grow up way before my time. She reminds me daily of the amazing grace of a Savior and the forgivingness he offers when we so often seem to fall off track.

Today I am thankful for the gift of life, and the gift I was given through my sweet girl almost 12 years ago...I am eternally thankful for Kayla Elisabeth and the gift of motherhood.

Blog Fest~ My Story

Elisa(a blog friend) is having her book launch, and I am so excited for her! She has wrote about the loss of her son in her book, The Golden Sky. She has arranged a blogfest, so I will be telling my story again for those who might be new to my blog.

~Our eyes met and I feared the inevitable, and yet no matter what I did I still could not stop the words coming from her mouth, “You look great, when was the baby born?" My heart sunk as tears filled my already swollen eyes as I gently responded, “She didn’t make it." 

            It did not matter what she said at that point, I knew she felt bad, but I wanted to run as far from creation as my feet could take me. I guess a part of me had hoped people somehow knew and I would be sheltered from the awkward conversations. Unfortunately, this lady was not the first to ask about my baby.

            It had only been two weeks since my daughter’s stillbirth, and I was far from ready to be in public, but had no choice. My four year old son was graduating preschool and had to have his mommy there. My entire being wanted to wrap a dark blanket around my body and vanish into the back of the crowd praying no one would notice me; not quite my luck.

            I barely got inches into the church building and was greeted with hugs and apologies for my loss, which instantly brought tears to my eyes; so much for blending in. I listened as one mother gently put her hand on mine and said, “These things happen, I’m sorry for your loss”. I looked up and simply walked away as I tried to process what she had said. There was a part of me that was angry at her words because I thought, “No, these things DO NOT just happen”! I finally made it to my seat and felt as though as I was in some dream; this could not be my life.

            I watched my son sing his heart out, and I had to fight the tears from streaming down my face. While one child stands here singing songs of joy for graduating preschool; my other child is hearing songs of praise straight from heavens gates. How my heart aches for her and yet envy’s her.

My heart kept going back to that day. May 2 was a day filled with love and laughter as my church showered me with love. It was a long, hot and exhausting day.

 That evening after putting away the baby gifts; I climbed into bed to crash for the evening. I quietly laid in bed waiting for my sweet baby to begin dancing in my belly as she did every night when I crawled into bed, and yet this night there was a disturbing silence and stillness like never before. I jumped out of bed and drank a soda to hopefully disturb her silence and laid back down pushing my tummy all around.   My heart began to pound faster and faster as I watched the clock tick minute by minute and still no movement. I called the doctor and all I heard were her cold words saying, “Come in NOW”. I practically ran out the door telling my husband I was only going to get reassurance that everything was ok, yet I think I knew in my heart that everything was NOT ok.

The fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. With tears rolling down my face, I prayed and begged God to let my baby be ok, and yet he gave me no reassurance. The more I begged God to show me things were ok, the more I felt like God was saying things were not ok. It was as if he was trying to prepare my heart for the worst moment in my life, and I did not want to listen.

I think I must have morphed myself into the hospital room, because I do not remember parking or checking in. I remember lying on the hospital bed and the look on the nurse’s face as she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat. Hold on."  Five other nurses’ then came in with an ultrasound machine. They tried so hard to not let me see, but I saw my curled up and lifeless baby girl on the screen of that machine as the nurse turned and looked at me and said, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat."

I screamed, “God NO, God WHY?" My entire world came crashing down with those six words, and I knew I would never be the same.

May 3, 2009, is a day that will forever be in embedded in my heart and soul. It is a day when my sweet baby girl was born into this world, only to already be in the arms of Jesus. It was a day that I held pure love in my arms and watched as my heart was ripped into a million pieces. It was a day that I never thought I could endure.

My world crashed and burned faster than I could breath once Bethany died. I turned away from everyone I loved and buried myself in my grief. I began to write in my journal because it was the only way I knew how to express what my heart was feeling, but my mouth could not say.

2 1/2 years later, God turned my healing heart and journal writings into a book. I never thought I could reveal such intimate details about my life and my heart, but I knew that this was God's plan; Bethany's purpose. I pray that through my words, others can see Christ. I learned that my forever was never going to be without my daughter because my forever has yet to begin.

I will spend eternity with my sweet girl in my happy... ever... after....

I had imagined the moment I held my newborn baby girl a million times. I had fanaticized how amazing it would be, and yet the reality of that moment simply overwhelmed me. The moment Bethany Hope was placed in my arms was not the fairy tale I had imaged; far from it, but it was a moment were I instantly fell head over heels in love. I saw perfection upon looking in her perfect little soul. I saw my Savior.

To view my book: Still in My Arms

Liquid MAGIC!

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd;
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I never get back.
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win, it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game...."

The batter is up and ready to go.  He slowly circles the bat through the air as his eye is locked in on the pitcher. Determination and perseverance hold strong as the first two strikes are thrown. The batter grinds his foot into the dirt and slowly leans forward as he sees the third ball coming his way. Adrenaline rushes through his entire body all the way through the tip of the bat.

"POW"

The bat falls to the ground and the batter is off rounding first and off towards second. Sweat dripping from his chin, the runner thinks fast as he looks up and sees the ball in thin air making its way to the glove of the second baseman.  The runner hears, "Down, down!" He quickly slides his leg out from under him and tags the base just in the nick of time.

He jumps up to takes his position while he attempts to  brush the red clay from his pants; his light gray pants that is.

I sit back and watch player after player slide in and out of base, collecting red clay as if it were candy. It has always boggled my mind that boys who played sports always seemed to have light colored pants and they played in red clay; I'm I missing something?!?!?

For so long I have felt like a bad mom. I have never been able to get my sons light gray baseball pants clean. I complain to my husband all the time and tell him that whoever designed base ball pants must not be the person doing the laundry at home! I soak, I scrub, I soak, I scrub, I soak, I SCREAM....then I soak, and they still have stains.......I'm going crazy; till now!

I found the secret....and it's a good one!

PURPLE POWER GREASE REMOVER....yes, I know it is for your tires, and NO I'm really not crazy. ADD this to your laundry room!

DO not soak. Wet the pants, spray on the red clay spots, get a good scrub brush, and scrub. Do this all over the pants. Rinse and throw in the wash...OH MY, I think it even got out dried in red clay stains...it is that good! My sons pants have not looked this good ALL year! This stuff is MAGIC!!!

As I was cleaning the pants and watching the stains fade away, literally like magic, I went running it our room with a huge smile on my face. I tried to explain my joy of this phenomenon to my husband, and well, he just laughed that I was this excited about getting red clay out of some pants! :)