Ten-year Challenge
2009
2019
In some ways 10 years ago seems like a life time ago, and in
other ways it seems like yesterday. When I saw the ten-year challenge begin to
circulate, of course I got interested in how much I had changed; however, I
didn’t realize just how much this ten-year challenge would really affect me.
Have I changed…yes, but it wasn’t so much the physical appearance
that bothered me. As I began to think about where my life was ten years ago, I
realized just how different my life was. You see, ten years ago I had three
small children and I was pregnant with Bethany. In my own perfect world, I was
living my own fairy tale. As a little
girl the only thing I ever dreamed of being was a wife and mommy. I had no clue
how fast my fairy tale would come crashing down around me just ten years ago.
At times, my mind can’t fathom it has even been ten years. I
have learned to overcome unimaginable hurt and heartache with the grace of my
Savior. I have battled the deepest darkest depression and learned to use my
darkest hours for the glory of God. Most days I see God’s never-ending love and
grace reminding me that He pulled me from that darkness and into His light.
And then, sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.
Sometimes the walls come crashing down. Sometimes it’s all
just TOO much.
Sometimes my heart races so fast, I can’t breathe and I feel
like I might explode.
This is Grief.
This is hard, messy, unpredictable and exhausting.
I wish I could say that I have always grieved well, but unfortunately,
I haven’t. I honestly never knew my heart could ache so deeply. I failed my husband
and my other children terribly as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my shattered
life. At some point through my grieving process, I felt like God literally
had to bring me to my knees where I felt like I had absolutely nothing left but
him. I hated hearing that grief takes time because there really is no time to
grief when you love someone that deeply. You see, I would have told you I was
doing great until that grief hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I am
learning to give myself grace. I am learning that I am not enough by myself to
endure what I have been through or the pain that comes with it. You can’t force
yourself to stop loving someone or to just get over them, but God is enough.
God is more than enough. I need Him more today, than I did yesterday or even
ten years ago! He is more than enough than any obstacle I will ever face.
This May Bethany would be ten. My memory haunts me of what
was and what could have been. I see her tiny face and imagine and dream of all
she could have been.
The truth is, time will never escape her memory, her
birthday and the moments I will never get to have. No amount of time could ever
make me forget that I have four children. NO amount of healing will heal the
scar left on my heart. But God… God can heal my heart and comfort my unexpected
grief. He takes me into His arms to hold, comfort and cry when the storms are
too strong.
So, the biggest change in ten years….
All four of my children got to be in the first picture with
me, and now, one will always remain in my heart until we are united again in
Heaven.
The other change, God found me, He rescued me, and He
changed me. Before Bethany died, I lived a very self-centered life. I wanted
more kids, I wanted the Fairy tale, I wanted a Perfect family…. I was so
desperate for the things of this world that I wanted, that I lost track of
living my life for Him and seeing the good things I had. I went into a very dark depression and lost a
piece of myself. I honestly didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to be a
mom or wife anymore. The life I had so desperately craved felt a million miles
away. God brought me crashing down until I had nowhere else to turn. I can
still remember sitting on my bathroom floor with my bible open and tears
hitting the pages. I didn’t even know where to start and my eyes were too
swollen to even read, but I opened my bible and I prayed. I prayed for God to
rescue me and heal my family that I had pushed so far away.
Over time…He did. He gave me JOY when I thought I would
never smile again. He gave me Hope when I thought I would never feel again.
You are more than your grief. You are more than you know.
Today may be hard, but Joy comes in the morning!
