Ten-year Challenge

Ten-year Challenge

2009

2019

In some ways 10 years ago seems like a life time ago, and in other ways it seems like yesterday. When I saw the ten-year challenge begin to circulate, of course I got interested in how much I had changed; however, I didn’t realize just how much this ten-year challenge would really affect me.  

Have I changed…yes, but it wasn’t so much the physical appearance that bothered me. As I began to think about where my life was ten years ago, I realized just how different my life was. You see, ten years ago I had three small children and I was pregnant with Bethany. In my own perfect world, I was living my own fairy tale.  As a little girl the only thing I ever dreamed of being was a wife and mommy. I had no clue how fast my fairy tale would come crashing down around me just ten years ago.

At times, my mind can’t fathom it has even been ten years. I have learned to overcome unimaginable hurt and heartache with the grace of my Savior. I have battled the deepest darkest depression and learned to use my darkest hours for the glory of God. Most days I see God’s never-ending love and grace reminding me that He pulled me from that darkness and into His light.

And then, sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.

Sometimes the walls come crashing down. Sometimes it’s all just TOO much.

Sometimes my heart races so fast, I can’t breathe and I feel like I might explode.

This is Grief.

This is hard, messy, unpredictable and exhausting.

I wish I could say that I have always grieved well, but unfortunately, I haven’t. I honestly never knew my heart could ache so deeply. I failed my husband and my other children terribly as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. At some point through my grieving process, I felt like God literally had to bring me to my knees where I felt like I had absolutely nothing left but him. I hated hearing that grief takes time because there really is no time to grief when you love someone that deeply. You see, I would have told you I was doing great until that grief hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I am learning to give myself grace. I am learning that I am not enough by myself to endure what I have been through or the pain that comes with it. You can’t force yourself to stop loving someone or to just get over them, but God is enough. God is more than enough. I need Him more today, than I did yesterday or even ten years ago! He is more than enough than any obstacle I will ever face.

This May Bethany would be ten. My memory haunts me of what was and what could have been. I see her tiny face and imagine and dream of all she could have been.

The truth is, time will never escape her memory, her birthday and the moments I will never get to have. No amount of time could ever make me forget that I have four children. NO amount of healing will heal the scar left on my heart.   But God… God can heal my heart and comfort my unexpected grief. He takes me into His arms to hold, comfort and cry when the storms are too strong.

So, the biggest change in ten years….

All four of my children got to be in the first picture with me, and now, one will always remain in my heart until we are united again in Heaven.

The other change, God found me, He rescued me, and He changed me. Before Bethany died, I lived a very self-centered life. I wanted more kids, I wanted the Fairy tale, I wanted a Perfect family…. I was so desperate for the things of this world that I wanted, that I lost track of living my life for Him and seeing the good things I had.  I went into a very dark depression and lost a piece of myself. I honestly didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to be a mom or wife anymore. The life I had so desperately craved felt a million miles away. God brought me crashing down until I had nowhere else to turn. I can still remember sitting on my bathroom floor with my bible open and tears hitting the pages. I didn’t even know where to start and my eyes were too swollen to even read, but I opened my bible and I prayed. I prayed for God to rescue me and heal my family that I had pushed so far away.

Over time…He did. He gave me JOY when I thought I would never smile again. He gave me Hope when I thought I would never feel again.

You are more than your grief. You are more than you know.

Today may be hard, but Joy comes in the morning!