Saying Good-Bye

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good not for disaster, to give you a future and hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I kissed her and said good bye as my heart melted away. I watched as the last of my baby days walked away, and the tears streamed from my eyes. I knew this moment was coming, but my heart did not want to let go. I wanted to hold on forever to that face, that smile, and that little person who has changed my life in so many ways. 

          She was 11 weeks old when she first came into my life. The moment I laid eyes on her, I was in love.  So many people questioned me when I told them I was going to start keeping a newborn. They were scared and nervous that it would be too hard for me after Bethany’s death. I have to admit; there was a part of me that was nervous as well, but I have now learned that God sent this family and precious little girl into my life.  I was still hurting so deeply over Bethany and questing God so much. As I began to watch Bella, I began to imagine what Bethany might have been like and what my life might have been like with her still here. I believe that God sent me Bella to give me a glimpse of what my angel would have been like. I was able to experience all the wonderful adventures of the first year of a baby’s life because they entrusted me with their baby. I know that through Bella I was able to truly heal over Bethany’s death and I can never thank them enough for that gift. 

          I have loved her as if she were my own. I know when she is happy, sad, or getting sick. I know when she is tired, hungry or just cranky. I loved when she would run up to me and give me a hug, bring me a book to read, and most recently say my name. She has a personality that will go miles and a smile that will melt your heart. I have been beyond blessed to have this little girl as a part of my life. 

          As I was packing up all of Bella’s things on Friday, my heart was breaking by the minute. I was emptying my cabinets and house of every last baby item. I am not only saying good bye to Bella, but I am saying good bye to the baby days. No more babies, no more diapers, no more little ones for me to take care of. This part of my life is really over.

          You see; for a long time, I think there was a part of me that thought I could hold on to a piece of Bethany if I had a little one in my house. The truth is; Bethany is gone. No matter what I try and hold onto I cannot go back and experience her life as a baby. I can’t get any moment I want with her because it does not exist. Keeping babies around my house will only prolong my hurting and my healing. It’s time to let go….It’s time to move on. 

          I will never let go of my love for my daughter. I will never let go of her memory or the lessons I have learned through her death. I will always keep her a part of my life and my heart forever, but I can’t keep pretending and wishing she were still here. I have to accept that God has great plans for her memory and for my life from here until Eternity.

          God gave me an amazing gift through Bella. I was able to hold on to a baby I so desperately wanted for a brief period of time. The time is over, and I feel like I just gave back a piece of my heart that was never really mine. 

          “Thank you God for Your gift of love, grace and mercy. Thank you for giving me Bella to allow me to love and smile when I never thought I would again.  Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to keep babies to keep Bethany alive in my heart. Thank you for once again guiding me through another dark road…..”

 My Sweet Bella....

 Good-bye baby days....hello to a new life I know God has in store!