It's Not about ME!

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 1:4

Life is fleeting, or at least slipping away faster than I can catch my breath these days. My babies are not little anymore, and play dates are far from existence. I long for every moment I can have and every word spoken.

Mommy guilt is a dangerous playground and yet, I found myself with emotions of self-doubt and fear. I wonder how many lullaby’s I didn’t sing because I was too tired. How many stories or extra bedtime hugs I pushed aside. Oh how my heart longs for these precious, precious moments. I long to be that mom whose children so desperately need her for every need; I knew how to be THAT mom, I knew what THEY needed.

Life has rolled through a roller coaster of hills and valleys and somehow stopped right in the middle of TEENAGE village…..You see, it’s THAT mom, I’m totally unsure of. I crave my children’s attention. I WANT to be in their world SO deeply, but more than anything, I CRAVE to be a mother who shows them Christ in ALL I do; no pressure, right!!!

Lately, God has totally been working on my heart with the precious words, “it’s not about you.” These words have really tugged on my heart when it comes to my children. I look at them and want SO much for them. I want ALL that God can give them and more, but….I want them to KNOW Him, I mean REALLY know Him.

The reality of these word for me was that it is not about me or what I could ever want or hope for my children…..THE TRUTH….

THEY ARE HIS!

So… hard… but SO true! My job is to guide them toward Him in everything they do. HOW?  I often wonder in the CRAZINESS of teenager lives, do you ever do that?

TIME!!!! My time is not about me, but showing my kids they matter, THEY are worth my time. What we invest are time in is what matters most! I may not have friends waiting to hang out with anymore, but I have 3 precious children that need to know MOM cares!!!!

Life is short…too short. I was blessed with my youngest angel for only 9 short months….I know the reality that tomorrow may never come; so what about today?

Life is precious, don’t let mommy guilt fuel your soul today. 

Just a FEW of the Precious Moments God gave me with each of my children this week. 

My Girl and I got our nails done and Starbucks. It was Homecoming DAY!!!

She is just GORGEOUS! AND, on a side note, we talk about modesty ALL the time, WELL, she makes me SO proud of the young lady she is becoming. When she got dressed, she slipped on a pair of dance shorts under her dress. When I asked why, she said, "I just feel more comfortable since I am going to be dancing, I don't have to worry as much." I LOVE THIS GIRL! 

Sitting in the wet, cold rain to watch my 10 year old play ball. I may look sad, but the truth is, I missed one game and he was SO bummed, I would sit in the rain 100 times to watch him play!!!

My newest teenager!!! Look, he is as tall as me, WHAT!!! He needed some clothes, so we got dinner, clothes, AND ice cream out of the deal! 

Crisis Mode

I guess you could say that my hospital stay was anything but pleasant, eventful yes, pleasant; no! I did not sleep much the night before surgery, I guess you could say my mind was a little frazzled. The got me into a room rather quickly and began the pre-op regimen. You know; IV, blood pressure, hospital bracelet, and a million questions. I honestly felt like I was on trial.

It was not long before I was rolled into the hallway and we were on our way. The doctor asked me how old my little boy was.  Brayson had come to love on me before surgery, I answered and that was the last thing I remember. I don’t even know when he gave me something to knock me out. Sneaky, Scary!

I was then curled up in a ball in agonizing pain looking at a nurse and asking why my stomach hurt so bad. Like I was crazy, she looked up at me and said, “Honey, you just had surgery.”

“I did?”… I was confused, shocked, and in some serious pain. It was over, just like that I went from a hallway to a recovery room and the healing could begin…or so I thought.

I believe they gave me some pretty good pain killers in recovery, because I only vaguely remember making it to my room and then sleeping for several hours. Once I woke up my moments of sleep and pain relief were gone. 

The rest of the day I hurt, I prayed for relief. The day came and went. My nurse promised me I would rest well that night, my body had been through so much.

Well, due to some miscommunication and a nurse error, my night was horrific!

Imagine this:

A very full bladder, gauze inside your body to stop the bleeding, and NOT being able to use the restroom. I am really not sure there is a word to describe the amount of pain I felt. I cried out in tears, sobbing for relief, praying for help, and yet nothing.  I felt as though I might explode…it really was horrific.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours. I was exhausted. My hands clung to the side of my bed and my heart cried out to Jesus. I prayed for help in desperation. I prayed for Him to relieve the pain, I prayed for rest.

Psalm 62:1-2 “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”

As I sat there I began to really question and think. Why do we have to hit our potential rock bottom before we cry out to the Lord?  Do we really have to hit crisis mode to realize we actually need Him that much.

I began to question my daily walk with Christ. Can you just imagine how magnificent our spiritual walk would be if we had the same passion we do in a crisis mode in everyday life?

WOW. It really made me thankful. Thankful for a God that loves me enough to rescue me in the moments of need and yet love me through the everyday as well.

My goal, my desire is to crave such a passion for Jesus Christ that I want to cry out for Him daily; crisis or not.

Pain is only temporary and this too will pass. My faith and trust in Jesus Christ is forever! I am FOREVER blessed. 

A Sacred Surgery

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:13-14

…4 tiny heartbeats that never had a chance…

…One little life that ended too soon…

…Miracles from ashes and a lifetime to remember…

I am a sacred place because of you, I am sacred because of Him!

            There are times it seems as though a lifetime has passed and I look at my life and question the things I have gone through; as if they really happen. I think I often picture myself looking through a mirror and yet I’m not the reflection I see; this CAN’T be happening to me, or is it?

            4 miscarriages later. No…that was NEVER supposed to be me….

            A stillbirth…..NO! My little girl that I carried so carefully for 9 whole months and yet…gone…nothing! I did not get to bring home the most precious gift in the world, my world crashed faster and deeper than I ever could have imagined.

            The truth was, I wanted her to stay. If she stayed safe inside me then I didn’t have to let go, I didn’t have to heal or deal with, well; reality.

            The reality of it all is that YES, it did happen, YES, I went through SO much and even more so, I conquered. I am stronger than I ever thought was possible.

            I hurt, I cried, I fell deeper than anyone should ever have too, and yet my Lord and Savior was right there waiting to catch me.

            I guess the biggest reality of it all was that I LOVED being pregnant. Caring my babies, feeling them move and bonding with them was a feeling I just can’t explain. It truly was the most precious and sacred bond God could have given me with them.

            I struggled for the last two years in learning that I had to have a hysterectomy. For medically reasons, my body desperately needs this procedure. The time has come, and as crazy as this sounds, a piece of my heart is going away. A part of my very soul thrived in having children and all I went through. That time is gone. I think and believe that there is something special about Bethany Hope being the last baby I carried. That is a bond her and I will always carry and have. The one thing I will have with her and only her.

My body will never be perfect, I’m no model. My stomach will never be flat….I have tried, BELIEVE ME! However, I am sacred because of the gift of sacred life Jesus Christ allowed me to have and created within me. I am blessed!

  

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ‘s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ‘s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

PS! I am fine and we do not need anything other than prayers. Surgery is at 7:30 AM Macon Medical center

Happy Birthday Kayla

She made me a mom...She made me grow up and made me believe that I could love a love I never knew was possible. She has wings ready to soar and I can't WAIT to see where God sends her. 

Happy 15th Birthday to my baby girl, my 1st born and my little girl! I love you Kayla!