Monday, June 1, 2015

A Sacred Surgery

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:13-14

…4 tiny heartbeats that never had a chance…
…One little life that ended too soon…
…Miracles from ashes and a lifetime to remember…
I am a sacred place because of you, I am sacred because of Him!
            There are times it seems as though a lifetime has passed and I look at my life and question the things I have gone through; as if they really happen. I think I often picture myself looking through a mirror and yet I’m not the reflection I see; this CAN’T be happening to me, or is it?
            4 miscarriages later. No…that was NEVER supposed to be me….
            A stillbirth…..NO! My little girl that I carried so carefully for 9 whole months and yet…gone…nothing! I did not get to bring home the most precious gift in the world, my world crashed faster and deeper than I ever could have imagined.
            The truth was, I wanted her to stay. If she stayed safe inside me then I didn’t have to let go, I didn’t have to heal or deal with, well; reality.
            The reality of it all is that YES, it did happen, YES, I went through SO much and even more so, I conquered. I am stronger than I ever thought was possible.
            I hurt, I cried, I fell deeper than anyone should ever have too, and yet my Lord and Savior was right there waiting to catch me.
            I guess the biggest reality of it all was that I LOVED being pregnant. Caring my babies, feeling them move and bonding with them was a feeling I just can’t explain. It truly was the most precious and sacred bond God could have given me with them.
            I struggled for the last two years in learning that I had to have a hysterectomy. For medically reasons, my body desperately needs this procedure. The time has come, and as crazy as this sounds, a piece of my heart is going away. A part of my very soul thrived in having children and all I went through. That time is gone. I think and believe that there is something special about Bethany Hope being the last baby I carried. That is a bond her and I will always carry and have. The one thing I will have with her and only her.

My body will never be perfect, I’m no model. My stomach will never be flat….I have tried, BELIEVE ME! However, I am sacred because of the gift of sacred life Jesus Christ allowed me to have and created within me. I am blessed!

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christs power may rest on me. That is why, for Christs sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

PS! I am fine and we do not need anything other than prayers. Surgery is at 7:30 AM Macon Medical center
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