Crisis Mode

I guess you could say that my hospital stay was anything but pleasant, eventful yes, pleasant; no! I did not sleep much the night before surgery, I guess you could say my mind was a little frazzled. The got me into a room rather quickly and began the pre-op regimen. You know; IV, blood pressure, hospital bracelet, and a million questions. I honestly felt like I was on trial.

It was not long before I was rolled into the hallway and we were on our way. The doctor asked me how old my little boy was.  Brayson had come to love on me before surgery, I answered and that was the last thing I remember. I don’t even know when he gave me something to knock me out. Sneaky, Scary!

I was then curled up in a ball in agonizing pain looking at a nurse and asking why my stomach hurt so bad. Like I was crazy, she looked up at me and said, “Honey, you just had surgery.”

“I did?”… I was confused, shocked, and in some serious pain. It was over, just like that I went from a hallway to a recovery room and the healing could begin…or so I thought.

I believe they gave me some pretty good pain killers in recovery, because I only vaguely remember making it to my room and then sleeping for several hours. Once I woke up my moments of sleep and pain relief were gone. 

The rest of the day I hurt, I prayed for relief. The day came and went. My nurse promised me I would rest well that night, my body had been through so much.

Well, due to some miscommunication and a nurse error, my night was horrific!

Imagine this:

A very full bladder, gauze inside your body to stop the bleeding, and NOT being able to use the restroom. I am really not sure there is a word to describe the amount of pain I felt. I cried out in tears, sobbing for relief, praying for help, and yet nothing.  I felt as though I might explode…it really was horrific.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours. I was exhausted. My hands clung to the side of my bed and my heart cried out to Jesus. I prayed for help in desperation. I prayed for Him to relieve the pain, I prayed for rest.

Psalm 62:1-2 “My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”

As I sat there I began to really question and think. Why do we have to hit our potential rock bottom before we cry out to the Lord?  Do we really have to hit crisis mode to realize we actually need Him that much.

I began to question my daily walk with Christ. Can you just imagine how magnificent our spiritual walk would be if we had the same passion we do in a crisis mode in everyday life?

WOW. It really made me thankful. Thankful for a God that loves me enough to rescue me in the moments of need and yet love me through the everyday as well.

My goal, my desire is to crave such a passion for Jesus Christ that I want to cry out for Him daily; crisis or not.

Pain is only temporary and this too will pass. My faith and trust in Jesus Christ is forever! I am FOREVER blessed. 

A Sacred Surgery

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:13-14

…4 tiny heartbeats that never had a chance…

…One little life that ended too soon…

…Miracles from ashes and a lifetime to remember…

I am a sacred place because of you, I am sacred because of Him!

            There are times it seems as though a lifetime has passed and I look at my life and question the things I have gone through; as if they really happen. I think I often picture myself looking through a mirror and yet I’m not the reflection I see; this CAN’T be happening to me, or is it?

            4 miscarriages later. No…that was NEVER supposed to be me….

            A stillbirth…..NO! My little girl that I carried so carefully for 9 whole months and yet…gone…nothing! I did not get to bring home the most precious gift in the world, my world crashed faster and deeper than I ever could have imagined.

            The truth was, I wanted her to stay. If she stayed safe inside me then I didn’t have to let go, I didn’t have to heal or deal with, well; reality.

            The reality of it all is that YES, it did happen, YES, I went through SO much and even more so, I conquered. I am stronger than I ever thought was possible.

            I hurt, I cried, I fell deeper than anyone should ever have too, and yet my Lord and Savior was right there waiting to catch me.

            I guess the biggest reality of it all was that I LOVED being pregnant. Caring my babies, feeling them move and bonding with them was a feeling I just can’t explain. It truly was the most precious and sacred bond God could have given me with them.

            I struggled for the last two years in learning that I had to have a hysterectomy. For medically reasons, my body desperately needs this procedure. The time has come, and as crazy as this sounds, a piece of my heart is going away. A part of my very soul thrived in having children and all I went through. That time is gone. I think and believe that there is something special about Bethany Hope being the last baby I carried. That is a bond her and I will always carry and have. The one thing I will have with her and only her.

My body will never be perfect, I’m no model. My stomach will never be flat….I have tried, BELIEVE ME! However, I am sacred because of the gift of sacred life Jesus Christ allowed me to have and created within me. I am blessed!

  

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ‘s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ‘s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

PS! I am fine and we do not need anything other than prayers. Surgery is at 7:30 AM Macon Medical center