Now, imagine waiting 9 months to hold your child. 9 months feeling your child move, hick-up and kick you in your ribs. Imagine it all being for nothing... The shear power and strength it takes to go through hours of labor knowing my baby isn’t coming home with me, well that kind of pain is simply indescribable. The raw and real moments that should have been filled with joy are now etched in my memory with moments of tears, sorrow and the deepest sadness I’ve ever experienced.
You just can’t experience this type of sorrow, the magnitude of this kind of loss, and ever be the same. I will never be the same.
I was once full of life. I was once able to live free and laugh and play with my children with no limitations. I loved being a mom. I knew how to be a mom full of joy, life and laughter until this moment.
Bethany’s death changed me in ways I never imagined. I lost a piece of me that I thought for sure with time would come back... I was wrong! Very, very wrong.
Grief changes people to the very depths of their souls. I’m reserved in ways I never used to be. I guard my heart and my family closer than I probably should. Yes, I’m way overprotective of my other children, but don’t ask me not to be... I still have them, I have to be! I’m forever changed.
I love deeply. Deeper than I knew I could. You see, even on my good days, not an hour goes by I don’t wonder what she would be like during this age or season of her life. I will always feel as my other children age and experience life, I’m missing these moments with Bethany. Yes, I’ve moved on, but I will never get over her death. It changed me; greatly! You can’t just ask a mother who held her child yet knew that child was already gone to just get over them. There is no cure this side of Heaven for this type of brokenness.
Yes, I am forever changed, forever guarded, and forever going to long for the day I see my sweet girl again; however, not all change is bad. To know unspeakable heartbreak and sorrow also means I know unspeakable joy!
God rescued me and brought me joy I never saw coming. Falling to God on my knees in my complete and humble brokenness has taught me to trust Him in ways I never dreamed. This life is not and will not always be easy, but God!
Joy will come in the morning! Maybe not always the next morning, but it will come! So, yes, it was all worth it, just to know her!
Happy 11th Birthday Bethany Hope❤️
My forever Angel
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