March Of Dimes Walk

The weeks following Bethany’s death were anything but normal. I would go to bed and yet never sleep. I would wake up in deep sweats from nightmares haunting my very existence.

I often found myself on my face, buried in the ground, crying out for God to make my life feel right again…somehow…someway.

Visions of her little face and perfect 7lb 3 oz. body would race through my mind, I couldn’t understand; I didn’t want to understand.

I still remember the phone call from the doctor with her autopsy report. I had been waiting for what felt like months for that call, and it had finally come.

Her words, “Nothing was wrong, “were almost as hard as the night I went to the hospital and heard the words, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”

How could there be nothing wrong? How does a full term healthy pregnancy and healthy baby just die?

I think a part of me had longed for that phone call to hear that something was wrong. If I could wrap my hands around something that caused her death then at least I could begin to heal and try to understand that she was sick.

I did not get that. I got nothing. I got no answers. She was healthy. She was perfect.

So why?

It took a long time for me to come to understand that I will never get an answer until I see my Lord face to face. I had to learn the hardest lesson for any parent to learn; my children are not mine, they are God’s. I was given 37 weeks to feel her, love her and watch her grow. That was God’s plan for her.

I will never fully understand God’s plan, but I do know that through her life and death she has a voice. She has made me who I am today and reminds me of who I want to be every day. I want to help others and be a voice for hurting moms everywhere.

Through His strength I am learning that I can be a part of things that are bigger than even I can imagine. My daughter came home from school and asked if she could participate in the March of Dimes Walk with her school. I’m not sure she really even began to understand what this meant to me.

March of Dimes not only raises money to help babies who are born to soon and need help, but it also helps to research stillbirth and why it happens so often.  Too many babies leave this world too soon and too many parents are left with empty arms.

I was honored to walk with my daughter who is still with me in honor of my daughter in Heaven. I was amazed at how many people came to the walk and I got to meet some amazing parents who have gone through what I have.

I wish I had longer with Bethany here on Earth, but I have a lifetime to show the World God’s amazing love through her story and an Eternity to be with her.