My body was trembling and my heart was numb. My hands were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel as I somehow weaved in and out of traffic. My heart knew what my mind was so desperately trying to fight…I wanted hope, I wanted a miracle!
I will never forget that long drive to the hospital. I’m still not sure how I even drove my car because I remember my hands on my stomach the whole way there. I was praying, pleading and begging for my little girl to start moving.
I knew in my heart something was very bad, I knew God was trying to prepare me, but I just couldn’t listen; I couldn’t let go. I had plans and a life prepared for the precious life that had been growing so perfectly inside my womb, how could something be wrong?
Her lifeless little body curled up on that ultrasound machine, with no flickering heartbeat, is a vision I have often had nightmares about. It is a moment where I remember my world crashing faster than I could breathe, and yet it is a memory of my daughter I will never forget. I will never forget how perfect her little spine looked or how tiny her 10 little toes were. Her arms were curled up to her chest as if she were sleeping ever so sweetly.
They placed me in a room where I would deliver my sweet baby. I remember the waiting…what was I waiting for? Labor brings joy and yet what was I getting. In some ways, I just wanted her to stay inside me. I wanted to hold her close to my heart and never let go. My labor brought pain and yet joy I never imagined. I feel in love the moment they placed her in my arms. I wanted the moment to last forever.
I held her close to my heart and kissed her ever so gently. Tears rolled from my eyes as my heart tried to understand God’s plan, His purpose.
Why? Why does He need her? I know that His plans are greater than any I could ever imagine, but why did He let her go.
I waited so long for her, I longed for her, I prayed for her.
I was given her and I loved her and then I had to let go and understand that God had bigger plans for her life.
We all fall down, and often it feels like the storm we are facing has no end, and yet God does have a plan. We search, pray and beg God for answers and then we can’t seem to understand when His answer is no because it does not align with the plans we had for ourselves.
God knows best, sees all and has a purpose for your life, my life. So often I have felt like I am stuck in that waiting room of life and I am never going to get an answer or maybe the answer I want, but God is still there. He is waiting with you and guiding you to His perfect plan, which sometimes includes saying no.
Death, divorce, finance, family, children and jobs are only a handful of situations which leave you waiting and pleading with God for help. God may so no, He may say yes, and He may say wait, but no matter what He says you will only see and understand His answer when you have a constant relationship with Him.
Give your life to Him and let Him lead you through the waiting room and into the life He has in store.