The beginning

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

May 3, 2009 is a day I will never forget, although many of the memories are vague in my mind, I will never forget the reality of that day! May 2, was my baby shower at church. It was a perfect, but a very long day and I was exhausted! By the time I returned home I had been gone a total of five hours, I was tired, swollen, hungry, and all of the other so called clichés very pregnant women seem to experience late in pregnancy!  It had been a long hot day, not to mention that I was 37 weeks pregnant and feeling rather large and ready for this baby to come. I quietly sat in the nursery and put away the wonderful gifts we had received and laughing at all the pink stuff we had been given, considering we did not know if it was a boy or girl! I crawled into bed for the evening, expecting the baby to keep me awake with her dancing in my belly, and yet nothing! I anxiously began to watch the clock and my heart began to pound harder and harder as my baby never moved. The drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. I tried to convince my self the whole way there that the baby would start moving and I was just crazy. I prayed  as tears rolled down my face. I would not let my husband take me to the hospital because I assured him everything was fine. I think I could feel God telling me the whole way to the hospital that it was not fine, but I was not ready to listen. I was beginning to feel very sick as they rolled the ultrasound machine over my stomach to reveal a curled up and lifeless baby girl. I laid my head back and cried, "God no, God why?"  The next few hours are somewhat of a blur. I don't think I talked much, I just laid and cried. The next morning, I was being induced to deliver my stillborn 37 week baby girl. Three pushes and out she came. I did not see her, I simply laid my head back, and closed my eyes as tears rolled down my face. My husband watched as her lifeless body came into the world. He fell to his knees and sobbed as he tightly held my hand. I am still not sure I will ever understand the reality of that day or how what I thought would be the worst day of my life GOD has turned into one of the best. I was meant to have my daughter and God has an amazing plan for her in our family, HE is the creator of life. On hard days, I remember that she is the arms of my savior and one day I will see her sweet face again....until that day, I cling to a Savior who has proven that Joy can shine even through death!