Emptiness

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

I remember this day as if it were yesterday as I wrote the following words in my journal:

 Today my sweet little Bethany Hope would have been 2 weeks old. I find myself wandering around aimlessly playing out what life would be like if she were still here. I wonder how I might juggle the responsibility of four children or how exhausted I should be.  I start cleaning the kitchen, trying to find something, anything to distract my ever wandering thoughts and I begin sobbing with tears of anger. I should be rushing to get house work done because Bethany will wake up any minute and need a new diaper or need to eat; but wait, I'm quickly reminded by my breaking heart that there is no baby to care for. I feel empty in a way I never dreamed would be a reality. I'm lost and alone, or at least I feel alone. Where is my savior who is supposed to guide me and protect me from this kind of pain? I fall asleep at night wishing she were here and I wake up praying this was all a bad nightmare! I am running on a never ending treadmill of emotions right now and I am getting nowhere. I walk around wondering how my life can seem so full and yet my heart can feel so empty. My mother once told me that if we never sailed into the storms of life then why would we ever need a Savior?  She's right!  I do need a Savior because the storms of life are inevitable and I can't get through them alone. My Lord is my anchor and I choose to hold on tight and remind myself that he knows my deepest fears and thoughts. He knows how deeply my heart is broken. He knows how empty I feel and he is there ready to remove this emptiness from my heart. I have to be willing to hand my control over to Christ and allow him to take my hurt and pain, allow him to heal my heart! I CAN'T do this alone!

~Father, emptiness fills my soul and you sweep in and fill my entire being day after day. Thank you for loving me!