Simple Things

His adrenaline was racing, his face was red, and his hands were gripped tight around the handle bars. His little heart was pounding and sweat was pouring from his face. Determination was there and yet fear was taking over.  

I watched as the frustration sat in and tears began to swell up in his eyes. "I can't do it!"

Not only did my heart sink as I heard these words, but I was slightly perplexed.

You see, my sweet little boy had already learned to ride his bike and yet he would never ride it. I could never understand why he didn't like riding his bike. I knew he was missing out on so much fun. So, I decided that it was about time I "made" him practice a little more.

He complained the whole time we got his gear on and got him on the bike ready to go. As I sat and watched him starring at the big black pavement in front of him, it hit me; fear!

He was terrified of getting hurt, and at such a young age he was letting fear stop him from achieving a goal.  I knew we had to push forward.

We stood in the road,  for what seemed like forever, as he balanced the bike back and forth between his feet. He finally got the foot pedal just where he wanted it and he was off. I anticipated running slowly beside him, but he was a pro!

He made it to the end of the cul-da-sac where he made the turn and then stopped. My anxious heart got worried for a minute that my husband or  I were going to have to go running down the road, but after solid concentration he had started back up.

I can't tell you how proud I was to see him ridding towards me with the biggest smile on his face. He wanted to ride all day long.

Right after church on Sunday he was in the garage getting his bike ready. He was so excited to ride every second he could. I just sat and watched him. It was amazing to watch my 6 year old overcome his fear with some encouragement.

I had so many things I had wanted to get done Sunday afternoon, but as I sat watching him ride up and down the street, I realized that it is the little moments in life that make life worth living!

Blog Design

I have had a lot of time these last few weeks to really think about things. So many days I have been so lost as to where God wants me right now and what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I worked so long and hard to get a degree I can't even seem to use and now it makes me want to say; why?

As I take a step back, I begin to see what a great oppurtunity God has really given me. While I wait for God to unfold the perfect plans I know He has in store, I am learning that I can try new things. I am helping out in my son's class at school, which I love. I know that one day I will be working and I can't get these moments to be with him back. I have also started to play around with a new project.

 I have always loved to design and scrapbook and my husband just so happens to be a genious at computers...no, really he is! So, this last weekend he sat and taught me everything I needed to know about photoshop. I was suprised at how much I loved it. So, together we are going to start designing blogs....I know, it sounds crazy, but I really enjoyed doing it and together we make a great team. We are working on getting a website up and going, but until that is ready I thought I would put the word out here.


If you want a new look for your blog then email me at ourangelabove@gmail.com

Check out the tab above which says BLOG Design for all the details.

Here are a few samples of some headers I did this weekend: (Plus we did my blog)

My "soon to be" web site Header.

I finished this whole blog for my friend: TO check out what it looks like go here.

Something more simple

Shine

Shine

You're in a dark hole and the walls are caving in. There must be a way out and yet you can't find it to save your life. Your whole body collapses as you fall to your knees crying in desperation. As you look up, you can see a small light beaming through, but you can't seem to make you body move; your heart stands still in time.

The light appears stronger as you reach you arms forward begging your body to move. The more your heart aches the more it seems the enemy attacks and you sit still and alone far from the light.

You begin to fight an internal battle within your own heart, asking and pleading for answers. On one hand the light seems so easy to grasp and on the other laying in the darkness  and simply fading away seem easy too.

After Bethany died, I struggled with this darkness. Some days it just seemed easier to be depressed and angry. I began the battle within my own heart. Do I really want to be healed? Do I believe I can be healed? If I answered yes to these questions then it might mean I wasn't mourning my daughter's death or I didn't miss her anymore. If I let Christ heal my heart then it meant I had to REALLY deal with her death; was I ready for that?

So often I think we forget WHO we are questioning. We question God as to why something has happened when He is the giver and taker of life. We question if God can heal us when He is the miraculous healer.  I think the real question is do we really want to be healed? If we look deep into our hearts then we already know that Christ can shine through and lead us out of the darkness, but are we really ready to move on? Are we willing to shine as a light that we can get through the darkness?

The opportunity to shine is there, but are you willing to take it? Are you content in the darkness? Does moving forward and healing mean you might have to work through the hurt?

Christ is there waiting to shine through us, He is unchanging. We have to make the choice to get up and walk towards the light and truly believe that He can

 Shine through the darkness.....

When we Fall!

                There I was going about life, perfectly happy in my own little bubble I might add, when out of nowhere, the Frisbee came and literally knocked my feet out from under me. I must admit, in the beginning, I wasn’t sure I could move a single part of body or even attempt to get up off the ground and keep moving forward. Keeping my head buried into the ground and fading away into the darkness somehow seemed like the easiest thing to do; what else are you supposed to do when a nurse has just looked at you and told you your 37 week old baby has no heartbeat? My entire body went numb and I began to  shake uncontrollably.

This was a moment I never saw coming, and I had no clue how to pick up the pieces of my body that were beginning to crumble faster than I could even take in  was happening in my life. My world was changing. I will never forget leaving the hospital after I had my baby. I had left this very same hospital with two of my other children, and yet this was so drastically different. There was no baby in my arms as the nurse rolled my wheelchair to the car.

The excitement and nervousness of driving home for the first time with the new baby was gone. I stared out the window into the dark sky that night. I remember looking high into the sky and praying to God. “Where do I go from here?” As I walked into my house that night, I walked into a new life; a life without my daughter, and a life learning to  move on.

I remember thinking that night as I sat on my bed holding Bethany's hospital blanket and crying, it’s not how we fall, it's how we get back up. I have said this SO many times before, and yet NOW it was time to see if I really believed it. Christians' are going to fall. We are going to hit rock bottom or go through that storm we NEVER saw coming, but the real question is not how the storm came, it's how we got through it.

I can't go backwards and change any moment or make it different, but I can make a choice on how I move forward. When I look at my life I have two options. I can be miserable and angry at the world that my baby is gone. I can live a bitter life full of hatred, anger and jealousy which will only lead me into a darker hole and a darker depression, or I can choose hope. Hope for a future and a new day. Hope that I can put one foot in front of the other and know that even in the bad days God is still going to be there leading me day by day. I can miss my daughter and love her without being angry at the world for her not being here.

I know I will still have bad days, it's inevitable, but I can't let it dictate I how live my life. I could sit back and ask "why" all the bad things have happened and never really receive an answer my heart would be content in hearing. When others look at me what do they see?  Do they see a hurting and lost mother? Do they see a bitter and angry women? Do they see someone who has pushed God and everyone else away in the midst of tragedy, or do they see Christ?

If I were to die today, would others know for sure that I would be spending eternity with my daughter in Heaven? We are going to walk through many valleys in our life, the question is this: Am I going to allow Christ to pull me through that valley every step of the way and show others that I will praise Him throughout the storm, or am I walking through the valley alone? How will others see that I have dealt with heartache? How will others know that I am a Christian?

It is not how we fall, but how we get back up that matters the most...

Control

I was asked by a friend to do a guest blog on her blog. I was so honored! Here is what I wrote:

Control

As a society, we seem to crave control. We want to be in control of every move we make and we want the authority to do as we please.

As children, we long to be an adult; thirsting for independence and control. We can't wait to be on our own so we can start making all the rules!

When we become a parent, we feel as though we have somewhat achieved this control; we now get to say no!

The problem is this: these precious children I think I have so much control over, are not always right by my side. They go to school, church, and other places where I have no control and I cannot protect them.

The truth is...."I" am not in control....I thought my daughter was safe and protected.  I thought I had a plan of what our life was going to be like once she was born. I heard her strong and healthy heartbeat....I thought she was coming home.

 I have had a lot of "alone" time as my children have been back in school. So many times I found myself thinking of my little girl that "should" be here. I think of how busy I should be with a two year old right now instead of aimlessly wondering what my other children might be doing.

I think back to the moment Bethany was born. I had so many plans for her life. She many plans for our family...  I never planned for her to be stillborn, and I never thought it was part of God's plan for her. It was easy to be angry and mad at first. I felt robbed of what I thought I was supposed to have. What I thought I had the right to have.

As a mother, I thought that my children were mine, ALL MINE. From the moment I knew there was a life inside of me, I was bonded so deeply. It was not until Bethany died, that God made me see....I AM NOT IN CONTROL. They are ALL HIS children. I am simply the one He blessed to be their mother.

God is the maker and creator of ALL life. He makes NO mistakes. I have no say in any of my children's life's and how long I get to be with them. These days are numbered according to the plans God has in store for them; each of them.

I finally learned that God had a plan for my sweet Bethany, and she lived exactly as long as God planned her life to be...37 weeks inside my belly!  Through her death, He can and will be praised.

All four of my children are a gift from my Heavenly father, and I was chosen to guide them and lead them in His direction, NOT to choose the life they may or may not live. I will not live in fear when my children are not with me because they are in the hands of my Lord and Savior.

Are you still craving that control in your own life or are you willing to give control back to the creator who has your life perfectly planned?

My friend who posted this on her blog is a great Christian mom and wife. To check out her blog, go here.

MY Little Man

My Little Man is "6"

I can't believe how time can go by, but my little man is 6! On August 3, my baby turned 6. We took him to a water park and had a family party. He is growing up so much. I can't even believe it! I am so blessed!

Loss

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

Why are some things in this life so hard? Just when you feel like you can strongly stand on two feet, the rug is once again ripped out from under you. As you try and catch your breath, you once again try and fathom why so many families have to go through the heartbreak of miscarriage and loss. It's not surprising that any time I hear of someone losing a baby, my heart stops for a split second and my whole body aches so deeply for them. I know the hurt, agony, and pain they are feeling. I know the guilt and questions racing through their mind.

The surprising part is when I get a call and it is someone I know; someone I love. I hate the thought of anyone ever going through this kind of loss, but the reality of it being someone who means so much to me is just killing me. I want to make it better, help, and take away the pain; knowing I can't doing any of those things.

I sat here tonight while my dear friend was at the hospital and I simply re-lived every moment of my miscarriage before Bethany. I was at the same hospital she is at and I could picture everything she was going through because I had also gone through it. I was 13 weeks when I was told my baby had no heartbeat. I was lost and confused.

It is moments like this when it seems so hard to understand Gods plan in the midst of darkness. How can you find joy or goodness when a life you thought you were bringing into this world is suddenly gone? I'm not sure I will every completely understand why miscarriage happens or the pain and suffering that comes along with it. I do however know that If I had not had my miscarriage then I would never had gotten pregnant with Bethany. I know I went on to lose Bethany, but she was still a HUGE gift from God in my life. A gift that has taught me more in the last 2 years then I think I have learned my entire life. A gift the reminds me daily to not take life for granted. A gift that I would not trade for anything in this entire world. A gift I would not have had without the heartache of my first miscarriage.

Sometimes we don't understand why things happen or what God's plan for our life may be, but the truth is;  He has a plan far better than we can imagine. Nothing seems fair about what my friend or any woman who has a miscarriage is going through, but I believe that God can it will use any situation in our life to glorify Him, IF we let Him.

Alone

Isaiah 30:15 "Thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said, ‘In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength.'"

School has started and for the first time in eleven years I find myself alone and lost. For the past eleven years I have been blessed to be at home with my children. They needed me. I have watched children in my home so that I could help out financial, but I was still able to be at home with my children; loving them, nurturing them, guiding them.

Today my house is quite. There are no little ones running through the house laughing. There is no one who needs me to get them a drink or kiss a boo-boo. There is simply a stillness, a silence saturating the entire house while I sit lost, wondering where my next step is supposed to be.

I think the hardest thing about sitting alone in a quite house is that I thought I would be working. I finished my degree and I am ready for this transition in my life, and yet nothing. I can't even start subbing because of some delays with the school system. I feel so helpless.

I went walking this morning and I spent a lot of time praying. I kept thinking about a bible verse I had read this morning. It said, In quietness and trust is your strength. I really had to think about these words. So many times I feel like I am so busy wondering what the next step is going to be that I forget to just stop and wait upon God.

I realized, those words meant that when we simply stop asking God to fix all of our problems and stop worrying about what tomorrow may or may not bring, we can start trusting that God is going to take care of us IF we truly believe He can. If I keep wasting my time in fear that the right job might not come along then I am not trusting that God has a plan for my life.

I believe God has great plans for my life and this new transition I am in. I am going to soak in this alone time and listen to what God wants me to do because that is what will give me the strength to not worry about what tomorrow may or may not hold.

1st day of School

My Middle School Girl

My big Kindergarten boy

My fourth Grade little Man