Fall in LOVE

We were young, only twenty, and deep down probably had no real clue what we were diving into; other than pure love. Nothing could stop us. No obstacle big or small seemed to matter because we were together. We were so young, we had no future dreams other than the thought that love really could hold us together forever...

The butterflies and perfect bliss did not last forever, and it was way harder at times then we ever could have imagined, and yet we never let go and we never gave up. We made a promise before God to guide each other through every valley we would ever face. When I am lost and feel like nothing is left, he is still by my side holding on tight.

We didn't start out perfect; we simply started out in love!

We have gone through more than most go through in a lifetime. We have laughed, cried, hurt, and healed. We have been broke and broken too many times too count;  and on our knees enough times to save our life, our family, and our marriage!

There have been days and moments were it felt as though we were holding on by a thread, but when we stopped and realized that that thread was connected to our Saviors never ending garment of peace, hope, and love; we knew we would never unravel!

What if love is enough?

The love we feel when we fall in love; the love we never what to lose or let go of. The love that is there in good and bad times.

What if we simply just fell in love with Christ? What if we just couldn't let go and could never get enough?

What if we simply dove into the arms of Jesus?

What if we lived life like every breath would be our last? We loved with all of our heart? We stopped being angry all the time. Stopped all the fighting, and simply start loving...

Love is the thread that binds us together...to our husband...our children....our SAVIOR!

What if we remembered the butterflies and pure bliss that brought us together and brought us to our knees?

When we have nothing left and we fall to our knees, He is still there, holding on tight!

What if we simply fell head over heels in love again???

Tasty Tuesday---A day Late!

Sausage Pasta

-16 oz Heavy Whipping Cream
-1/2 cup milk
-2 diced garlic cloves
-1/2 diced white onion
-1/2 diced red bell pepper
-1 kielbasa turkey sausage (Dice into small bites)
-1/3 box of penne pasta noodles
-2 TBL butter
-olive oil
-2 tsp parsley
Parmesan Cheese for topping

Saute garlic, onion, and bell peppers in olive oil till soft. Add sausage and cook for about 4 or 5 more minutes. Add butter, cream, and milk, and bring to boil.  Then simmer for about 10 minutes. Cook noodles in a separate pot. Add 1 TBL cornstarch to thicken sauce. Add noodles and mix all together. Top with Parmesan cheese and parsley; serve.

Great served with a side salad!

Desperate!

Have you ever been so desperate for something that your entire soul might burst if you can’t get it? You go through every hoop possible to make your wish, desire or dream obtainable; you’re desperate!

                Desperation can make people do things that they might normally not do. Your mind becomes so entangled with the wants and desires of your heart, that somewhere along the way we get wrapped up in deception and reality.

                I was DESPERATE! Desperate for another baby. I craved a child a so deeply after I lost Bethany and I become desperate to make that desire a reality. I never wanted to replace Bethany, but I still longed to have that baby from which I felt robbed. My desire to nurse, cuddle, nurture, and raise another child was not going away, in fact, it was stronger.

                I became entangled in a dark web of doing whatever it might take to make my desire a reality. I took my temperature like clockwork every morning, getting upset if I woke up early because I knew it would mess up the results. I knew what my body did better than most women know their bra size! I knew almost the exact moment I ovulated due to cramping in either my left or right ovary each and every month. Sex became a chore, and not a fun one anymore. (Now, I am not saying any of this is wrong, I am just saying that when we take it to the extreme, and take the control into our own hands versus Gods hands, then we need to step back and evaluate our intentions).

                I had some MAJOR evaluating to do. Month after month would go by with me living on the edge of a cliff; waiting, hoping, and praying God would let me have another baby. The worst part was, God answered my prayer; I did get pregnant, several times in fact. The only problem was I lost every single one of those pregnancies. I was living an emotional rollercoaster like you could not believe. Now, not only did I want a baby, but I was terrified I couldn’t carry a baby any more. My desperation was turning into an obsession that was slowly starting to kill me from the inside out.

                In a DESPERATE plea for God to give me some kind of answers or explain why I kept having to loss more babies, He answered me: “I’m DESPERATE FOR YOU!”  I was a little taken back at first, and honestly had to sit on these words for a few days. The song, I’m desperate for you, kept replaying over and over again in my head. I was so broken and so lost and I was desperate now for my Lord to rescue me from this pain. But, what I didn’t see was that my God was also desperate for ME. Desperate for me to give it ALL to Him. For me to let go of my control and my desperation to want the desires of my own heart so badly that I lose track of what God has in store for my life.

                Yes, we all have wants and desires, and that is ok! God is desperate for us to want His will for our life. For us to let go of the OVERWHELMING control we seem to need and give it all to Him. So often, we become so entangled in jumping through every hoop possible to make something happen, when   we could have just handed the control to Christ. He has a plan for our life. It might not always be a plan we understand in the midst of sadness or darkness, but He has a plan!

Michael W. Smith-Words

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.

Tasty Tuesday Treat!

Tasty Tuesday After School Treat!

I found these online and they are SO GOOD!

No Bake Reece’s Peanut Butter Bars
1 1/2 C graham cracker crumbs
1 lb (3 1/2 C) powdered sugar
1 1/2 C creamy peanut butter
1 C (2 sticks) real butter, melted
1 12oz bag chocolate chips (milk, semi-sweet, or dark, you pick!)
2 tsp shortening
In a large mixing bowl, combine graham cracker crumbs, powdered sugar and peanut butter and butter and beat until combined. Press into a parchment (or waxed paper or foil) lined 9×13 pan.
Place chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl and heat in 30 second intervals, stirring after each one, until melted and smooth. Pour chocolate over peanut butter mixture and spread out evenly. Place pan in the fridge just until chocolate is set and then cut into bars. Tip: If the bars chill until the chocolate is too hard to easily cut, use a sharp knife and score the cuts first, then gently cut through. Can be stored in the fridge or at room temp. They will stay firmer if stored in the fridge.
*Tip:    Instead of adding shortening to the chocolate topping, add a scoop of peanut butter. That will prevent the top from getting solid and it will taste yummy!

Family Pictures

We needed some new Family Pictures, SO...my husband took them for us. He did a REALLY good job. I am so proud of him!

Fall Apart

I'm running as fast as I can, but I just can't run fast enough! That part of me will NEVER go away....That lump in my throat so often appears. That shadow lingering softly behind every step I take. The part of me I wish never happened, and yet the part I wouldn't change for the world! I never know how long the pain will last, because the pain is etched on my heart forever.  The vapor of what I should have had, and yet  could never keep is always there; waiting for me to grab it as the memories drift away into the wind.

Some days I really wonder how much my heart can take? Some days I feel as though God has blessed me beyond belief, and I don't deserve His grace. Some days I wonder where He is, and some days; I just want her back!

This journey never ends. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I am really even walking through this journey.  I know I was pregnant, and I know how real my precious little girl was, but it was all gone SO fast. Her life and her death went by in the blink of an eye, and I want more. I had so many dreams for her life and our life together.

I don't want to be strong....I don't want to hold it all together....I don't want to pretend like I don't miss her every second of every day.....I'm not sure I can be this person that God has called me to be, and yet He has.

My strength does not come to me, but through me. I could never be strong in the midst of my daughter's death, Christ had to be strong for me. I could never have continued walking forward on my own, Christ had to move me forward, step by step.

I've been beaten, crushed, knocked down, and completely drained by what I have been through. I have felt alone and buried in my sorrows and pain too many times to count. So many times I find myself falling apart more than holding it together, and I never know when bad days or moments are coming. I never know how long any certain trial may last.

I reach that moment of brokenness; that moment where I have nothing left to give. That moment where I realize that when I reach the end of me, the beginning of Christ steps in. The moment that Christ reminds me that my heartache just might be the best thing to ever happen to me.  I then realize that I have never longed for Christ more in my entire life....

We have a choice: long for Christ and let Him lead us, or fade away into our darkness while melting into our sorrows day after day.

As fast as I run, I can't run from Christ or His will for my life. I might not want to be strong, but through Christ I can do all things, and Christ has given me strength. Strength to see that my daughter had a purpose in this world. I can be angry and live my life in anger because of what was taken from me, or I can choose to see that God's will was fulfilled, and life is exactly as it is supposed to be.

Through her death, Gods light is shinning brighter than ever before by teaching others that there is always HOPE. Hope To know that Christ is there when we fall apart....He is there to put the pieces back together, from now until forever.....

I heard this song this week, and it is SO perfect...Just listen!!!!

I find you when I Fall Apart

Tasty Tuesday!

SO, I have not been doing these for most of these Summer, and I thought it was time to start back up!

Chicken Alfredo

1 box pasta(any kind)
1 jar Alfredo sauce 4 cheese
5 pieces bacon
2 garlic cloves
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese plus extra to go on top
3/4 cup milk
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
4 Chicken breast(cooked, I grill mine in Chicken grill seasoning and garlic salt)cut up.

Directions:

Cook Pasta. Cook bacon in pan on stove. Once cooked, remove to drain. Dice garlic and cook in bacon grease. Drain noodles and place in casserole dish. Pour garlic and bacon grease over noodles. Add, salt, pepper, Parmesan cheese, Alfredo sauce and milk, mix together. Stir in diced chicken till mixed and creamy. Add more milk if it needs to be more creamy. Sprinkle top with Parmesan cheese and bake at 350 for 10 minutes to melt cheese.

Tip:  You could also mix in broccoli.

Enjoy! :)

Never Forget....

It was cold in the office that morning, and there was a stack of papers a pile high. I was feeling rather lazy as I sat cuddled up in my jacket. I was the only one on my side of the building that morning, and it was rather quiet and a little creepy.

I worked in a large warehouse at the time answering phones and doing other clerical type work. I had my radio on that morning while I was entering data into the computer;  in a drastic attempt to keep myself from falling asleep!

I have to admit; when the music was interrupted to broadcast that the first twin tower had been hit by a plane, I thought I was hearing things...or going crazy! I sat in awe as I continued to listen and quickly realized this was no joke.

My husband was at home with our sick one year old, and I felt scared, alone. I quickly made my way to the other side of the building where there was some form of human life and found everyone gathered in a conference room watching the twin towers live on T.V. It was about that moment that we all sat and watched the second plane hit.

My heard sunk. I was only 21 and could not help but wonder what this meant for our country, my family? Within the hour we were all sent home to be with our families. The whole country watched in fear as hundreds lost everything.

I look back now and I wonder how many people started the day just like me? Going to work and never dreaming that their whole world was going to change in the blink of an eye. We all live assuming that nothing bad will ever happen to us. Cancer, death, an accident.....we never expect the unexpected, but God knew.

God knows every step before we take it. He knows every fall before we fall. But if we never took a step, then we would never walk, and if we never fall then we could never get back up. Without falling we have nothing to learn from. We cannot live life waiting for the unexpected, but can live life prepared for it; armed for it.

So many willingly gave their life so that others could be free. Christ willingly gave His life so that we could be free, and yet so often we take that freedom for granted.

I believe that the true warriors in the face of tragedy are those who face it with peace. Those who fall to their knees in the midst of darkness and say, "God is in control."

9/11 changed our nation, but did it change our story? God is still the same today as He was then. I believe that those who are changed by 9/11 and any tragedy are those who are changed by the blood of Christ.  

We will never forget 9/11, but...Never forget....that God already knew!

Parenting...

I wish I was perfect....I wish I never yelled....I wish I always had the right answer, and I wish I could catch every fall before it happened; but, I'm not perfect and I don't live in a fantasy.

I did however fantasize about being the perfect mom. I wanted my kids to adore me. I wanted to love them,  protect them, and guide them through life with all the right answers.

When they were little, mom was who they cried for when they were scared or sick. I felt loved and needed. I felt comfortable and confident in caring for my young children. I felt as though I was called to be a mother. There was even a part of me that thought it was the only thing I was truly good at doing.

As time goes on, children grow older and parenting changes by the day. My babies are all gone, and my "big" kids are here. Somewhere along the road independence and a, too-cool-for-school, attitude has crept its scary head into my household.

I wish I could say I felt as confident as I did when they were babies, but I'm not so sure I do. I spend a lot more time in tears, and a whole lot of time in prayer. I get so frustrated when I hear people say no means no to a pre-teen. My guess is they have never raised a strong willed child!

Now, don't get me wrong, when we say no we want our kids to listen and we want them to understand we mean it, but discipline changes as children change. As we hit these early pre-teen and independence years, we are having to learn a whole new way of discipline that works for each child.

The truth is....I fail; daily. I say the wrong thing, and I act before I think way too many times. I find myself envious of other parents who seem to have it all together. I find myself feeling empty and lost because I feel so inadequate of being this parent they need right now. I fight a daily battle of teaching my children to stand up for what is right in a school and a society that is teaching the complete opposite.

My children feel like I always say no, but I feel like we live in a society that doesn't know how to say no. I want to protect my children, and yet I know they are going to have to make their own mistakes or they will never learn. I can never really be my children's friend if I really want to be their parent. My children might not adore me right now; in fact, most of the time they don't, but I pray that one day they will look back and respect me for loving them enough to say no.

I think the hardest thing for a parent is to let your children take the fall. When your child makes a mistake or is old enough to do something wrong.....then they are old enough to pay the consequences . As a parent we want to run in and rescue them, help them, save them. In the long run, all we are doing is hurting them. When a child can think for themselves, the parent cannot be responsible for every move they make.

Every night I crawl into bed wishing I had said or done something different with one of my children. I question if anything I am doing is even right. I pray for guidance and wisdom and I pray that God will lead my husband and I daily as we raise our children.

 God always seems to remind me that it is a daily task. He choose us to be their parents, even on the days and nights I just don't feel like I am getting through to them.  Those are the moments that I pray God will intervene. I pray that God will allow me to be the parent He wants me to be even when my kids are not acting the way I want them to act.

I'm not my children's best friend and I get called a mean mom way too many times to count, but I simply adore my children. I would be lying if didn't say that secretly my heart breaks every time I hear, your mean, your ruining my life, or the occasional , I hate you.... It makes me sad that it is not until we are grown and have our own children that we can look back at all our own parents did for us, and what we put them through. Taking care of an infant is hard, but raising a child is life changing! 

Through these trying parenting years, I have to remind myself that my children are facing so much more than I ever faced at their age. Sex, drugs and peer pressure are in our schools more than ever before. Reality is, they are not babies anymore. I can't simply walk the floor with them and hope the crying will stop. It takes true daily commitment, prayer, and  a desire that no matter what battle I might have to fight, I will do what is best for my children.

I think the truth is, I miss having a baby around because that is what I feel comfortable with, confident  in. I can no longer fill that void, so now I truly have to step up to the plate and be the mother my children need and deserve. It is amazing that I know once again I am not alone and God will stay by my side every step of the way.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13