Friday, September 16, 2011

Fall Apart

I'm running as fast as I can, but I just can't run fast enough! That part of me will NEVER go away....That lump in my throat so often appears. That shadow lingering softly behind every step I take. The part of me I wish never happened, and yet the part I wouldn't change for the world! I never know how long the pain will last, because the pain is etched on my heart forever.  The vapor of what I should have had, and yet  could never keep is always there; waiting for me to grab it as the memories drift away into the wind.

Some days I really wonder how much my heart can take? Some days I feel as though God has blessed me beyond belief, and I don't deserve His grace. Some days I wonder where He is, and some days; I just want her back!

This journey never ends. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I am really even walking through this journey.  I know I was pregnant, and I know how real my precious little girl was, but it was all gone SO fast. Her life and her death went by in the blink of an eye, and I want more. I had so many dreams for her life and our life together.

I don't want to be strong....I don't want to hold it all together....I don't want to pretend like I don't miss her every second of every day.....I'm not sure I can be this person that God has called me to be, and yet He has.

My strength does not come to me, but through me. I could never be strong in the midst of my daughter's death, Christ had to be strong for me. I could never have continued walking forward on my own, Christ had to move me forward, step by step.

I've been beaten, crushed, knocked down, and completely drained by what I have been through. I have felt alone and buried in my sorrows and pain too many times to count. So many times I find myself falling apart more than holding it together, and I never know when bad days or moments are coming. I never know how long any certain trial may last.

I reach that moment of brokenness; that moment where I have nothing left to give. That moment where I realize that when I reach the end of me, the beginning of Christ steps in. The moment that Christ reminds me that my heartache just might be the best thing to ever happen to me.  I then realize that I have never longed for Christ more in my entire life....

We have a choice: long for Christ and let Him lead us, or fade away into our darkness while melting into our sorrows day after day.

As fast as I run, I can't run from Christ or His will for my life. I might not want to be strong, but through Christ I can do all things, and Christ has given me strength. Strength to see that my daughter had a purpose in this world. I can be angry and live my life in anger because of what was taken from me, or I can choose to see that God's will was fulfilled, and life is exactly as it is supposed to be.

Through her death, Gods light is shinning brighter than ever before by teaching others that there is always HOPE. Hope To know that Christ is there when we fall apart....He is there to put the pieces back together, from now until forever.....

I heard this song this week, and it is SO perfect...Just listen!!!!

I find you when I Fall Apart

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