Parenting...

I wish I was perfect....I wish I never yelled....I wish I always had the right answer, and I wish I could catch every fall before it happened; but, I'm not perfect and I don't live in a fantasy.

I did however fantasize about being the perfect mom. I wanted my kids to adore me. I wanted to love them,  protect them, and guide them through life with all the right answers.

When they were little, mom was who they cried for when they were scared or sick. I felt loved and needed. I felt comfortable and confident in caring for my young children. I felt as though I was called to be a mother. There was even a part of me that thought it was the only thing I was truly good at doing.

As time goes on, children grow older and parenting changes by the day. My babies are all gone, and my "big" kids are here. Somewhere along the road independence and a, too-cool-for-school, attitude has crept its scary head into my household.

I wish I could say I felt as confident as I did when they were babies, but I'm not so sure I do. I spend a lot more time in tears, and a whole lot of time in prayer. I get so frustrated when I hear people say no means no to a pre-teen. My guess is they have never raised a strong willed child!

Now, don't get me wrong, when we say no we want our kids to listen and we want them to understand we mean it, but discipline changes as children change. As we hit these early pre-teen and independence years, we are having to learn a whole new way of discipline that works for each child.

The truth is....I fail; daily. I say the wrong thing, and I act before I think way too many times. I find myself envious of other parents who seem to have it all together. I find myself feeling empty and lost because I feel so inadequate of being this parent they need right now. I fight a daily battle of teaching my children to stand up for what is right in a school and a society that is teaching the complete opposite.

My children feel like I always say no, but I feel like we live in a society that doesn't know how to say no. I want to protect my children, and yet I know they are going to have to make their own mistakes or they will never learn. I can never really be my children's friend if I really want to be their parent. My children might not adore me right now; in fact, most of the time they don't, but I pray that one day they will look back and respect me for loving them enough to say no.

I think the hardest thing for a parent is to let your children take the fall. When your child makes a mistake or is old enough to do something wrong.....then they are old enough to pay the consequences . As a parent we want to run in and rescue them, help them, save them. In the long run, all we are doing is hurting them. When a child can think for themselves, the parent cannot be responsible for every move they make.

Every night I crawl into bed wishing I had said or done something different with one of my children. I question if anything I am doing is even right. I pray for guidance and wisdom and I pray that God will lead my husband and I daily as we raise our children.

 God always seems to remind me that it is a daily task. He choose us to be their parents, even on the days and nights I just don't feel like I am getting through to them.  Those are the moments that I pray God will intervene. I pray that God will allow me to be the parent He wants me to be even when my kids are not acting the way I want them to act.

I'm not my children's best friend and I get called a mean mom way too many times to count, but I simply adore my children. I would be lying if didn't say that secretly my heart breaks every time I hear, your mean, your ruining my life, or the occasional , I hate you.... It makes me sad that it is not until we are grown and have our own children that we can look back at all our own parents did for us, and what we put them through. Taking care of an infant is hard, but raising a child is life changing! 

Through these trying parenting years, I have to remind myself that my children are facing so much more than I ever faced at their age. Sex, drugs and peer pressure are in our schools more than ever before. Reality is, they are not babies anymore. I can't simply walk the floor with them and hope the crying will stop. It takes true daily commitment, prayer, and  a desire that no matter what battle I might have to fight, I will do what is best for my children.

I think the truth is, I miss having a baby around because that is what I feel comfortable with, confident  in. I can no longer fill that void, so now I truly have to step up to the plate and be the mother my children need and deserve. It is amazing that I know once again I am not alone and God will stay by my side every step of the way.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13