Desperate!

Have you ever been so desperate for something that your entire soul might burst if you can’t get it? You go through every hoop possible to make your wish, desire or dream obtainable; you’re desperate!

                Desperation can make people do things that they might normally not do. Your mind becomes so entangled with the wants and desires of your heart, that somewhere along the way we get wrapped up in deception and reality.

                I was DESPERATE! Desperate for another baby. I craved a child a so deeply after I lost Bethany and I become desperate to make that desire a reality. I never wanted to replace Bethany, but I still longed to have that baby from which I felt robbed. My desire to nurse, cuddle, nurture, and raise another child was not going away, in fact, it was stronger.

                I became entangled in a dark web of doing whatever it might take to make my desire a reality. I took my temperature like clockwork every morning, getting upset if I woke up early because I knew it would mess up the results. I knew what my body did better than most women know their bra size! I knew almost the exact moment I ovulated due to cramping in either my left or right ovary each and every month. Sex became a chore, and not a fun one anymore. (Now, I am not saying any of this is wrong, I am just saying that when we take it to the extreme, and take the control into our own hands versus Gods hands, then we need to step back and evaluate our intentions).

                I had some MAJOR evaluating to do. Month after month would go by with me living on the edge of a cliff; waiting, hoping, and praying God would let me have another baby. The worst part was, God answered my prayer; I did get pregnant, several times in fact. The only problem was I lost every single one of those pregnancies. I was living an emotional rollercoaster like you could not believe. Now, not only did I want a baby, but I was terrified I couldn’t carry a baby any more. My desperation was turning into an obsession that was slowly starting to kill me from the inside out.

                In a DESPERATE plea for God to give me some kind of answers or explain why I kept having to loss more babies, He answered me: “I’m DESPERATE FOR YOU!”  I was a little taken back at first, and honestly had to sit on these words for a few days. The song, I’m desperate for you, kept replaying over and over again in my head. I was so broken and so lost and I was desperate now for my Lord to rescue me from this pain. But, what I didn’t see was that my God was also desperate for ME. Desperate for me to give it ALL to Him. For me to let go of my control and my desperation to want the desires of my own heart so badly that I lose track of what God has in store for my life.

                Yes, we all have wants and desires, and that is ok! God is desperate for us to want His will for our life. For us to let go of the OVERWHELMING control we seem to need and give it all to Him. So often, we become so entangled in jumping through every hoop possible to make something happen, when   we could have just handed the control to Christ. He has a plan for our life. It might not always be a plan we understand in the midst of sadness or darkness, but He has a plan!

Michael W. Smith-Words

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.