Thursday, May 19, 2011


It seems like the harder I try and slow life down these days, the faster it goes. Over the last month I have had to take two different teaching certification tests over an hour and half away from my house. I have never been very fond of test. I get extreme test anxiety and almost nauseous at the thought of having to take any sort of timed test, better yet, a four hour test which I was scared to move even for a second.
                As I was walking out of the second test, I wanted to cry. I was overcome with emotions and fear. Fear of failure, and fear of the unknown. I had just sat through a very long four hour test; a hard test. I had been studding every night for weeks, and part of me felt like I knew nothing.  I can’t get a job if I don’t pass these tests. The results of these two tests hold my future; or so I thought.  
                As I was walking out to the car, I could feel the presence of God so strongly telling me to just let go. I tell my children all the time to try their hardest and if they have prepared and practiced, then that is all I ever except from them; why can’t I do the same? I have done everything I can do. I have to remember that my future does not rely on the results of these two tests; my future is the hands of Christ. Pass or fail, God is still in control and has a plan for my life.
                This week I got the results from the first test, and……I PASSED! The crazy thing is, God really has given me a peace. I was not nervous at all. I did cry when I saw the results from pure relief and excitement. I still have to wait two more weeks for the results of the second test, but I believe that God is using this to make me stronger.
                I can remember feeling very nervous as I was driving to take the first test. It was dark and very early in the morning and I just could not get a grip on my emotions. I said a prayer and ask God to please give me the strength to get through this. I got to thinking about my sweet Bethany. I remembered time after time falling to my knees in tears and prayer praying and begging for Christ to give me Strength. I know that I am stronger because of my daughter’s death, and I know that my strength is not in me, but comes through me in Jesus Christ. I will never stop missing Bethany, and I still have moments when I want to break down and pretend none of this happened to me, but it did. And I can’t imagine standing here today without the power and strength of my Lord Jesus Christ.
                There was a song that played on the radio on my way to take my test and then on my way home. The name of it is Stronger. I love the words. I cried throughout the whole song. So many times in this life, the waves of life are pulling us under and we feel like we are drowning and there is no hope. There is hope, Christ is our hope. Our life Situation will and can make us stronger if we allow Christ to use us and guide us throughout the journey. Things don’t always go our way, but they will go God’s way if we only open our eyes, reach out our hands, and allow Him to lead us in His direction.
                The hard times can and will make you stronger, if and only if you are giving it to God and allowing Him to use them for his glory. God can turn the ugly into beautiful!

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  1. I like this song. Thank you for sharing it.
    We all are stronger for what we've been through. We have to put trust in God and soon we will pull through, not relying on our strength and knowledge but God's.


  2. Hi... I've just awarded you a Versatile and/or Stylish Blogger Award :) Follow the link below and take your pick of which award you'd like and spread the love to other blogs you love :) It means so much to me to be sharing this roller-coaster ride of loss/TTC with you all. Love for ICLWeek :)) xoxo


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