I can't tell you how many times I feel like the rollercoaster has crashed and burned throughout this journey. Joy, love, hate, fear, terror and complete awe only begin to touch the emotions that come along with being a mother. Motherhood is by far the hardest job I have ever had and yet the only one that has brought me to my knees too many times to count.
In my fantasy world, I believed that having a baby would somewhat be like having a real baby doll. I dreamed of being a mother my entire life. I had the pretty clothes, hair bows and everything needed for my very first baby. Reality set in somewhere in the first few weeks when I realized that I was never up playing with my baby doll at 2 in the morning; fairy tale was long gone!
Unfortunately, it has not been until almost 11 years later, that I am finally grasping the concept of all my own mother did for me. The sleepless nights, stories told, and kisses given were so much more than just a duty; it was a gift.
Kayla was a blessing and a gift; really, a blessing in disguise. I was young and immature when I had her. I felt as though I had betrayed my parents and all those whose loved me. My whole life I had dreamed of my marriage and having children, as all little girls do, only my fairly tale was like a book with missing pieces.
I was nineteen and the baby came before the marriage. How on earth could I ever be a good mother? This was no baby doll, this was reality.
I was zapped quickly from a new college student hanging out with friends and looking forward to a future in dance, to 2 a.m. feedings, swollen breast, and a screaming newborn; what now?
I'm not sure I was ever that mother I had envisioned myself to be; I think I'm still trying. Kayla was, and still is, a vibrant and exciting child. She kept me on my toes, and on my knees, almost daily; and still does!
She still chases life as if it were a race and she has to win. She has energy beaming from her entire soul. She is thirsting for knowledge and independence by the day. She wants to be loved and has a personality that beacons others to love her.
At times I have question God's motives in making me her mother. Although privileged and honored, I feel too weak to guide one so strong yet so young.
She challenges me daily, and more often than not, pushes me to be a better mother. Through her life, I was given the amazing gift of motherhood. The chance to love in way I never knew was possible and pray in a way I never knew I would have too.
I love this little girl, I'm sorry...young lady, more than words could ever say. I am eternally thankful for the unexpected and precious gift of her life. I will forever stand in awe of this sweet, and very strong willed, girl who allowed me to grow up way before my time. She reminds me daily of the amazing grace of a Savior and the forgivingness he offers when we so often seem to fall off track.
Today I am thankful for the gift of life, and the gift I was given through my sweet girl almost 12 years ago...I am eternally thankful for Kayla Elisabeth and the gift of motherhood.