Forever Thankful

Forever Thankful

This is not the way it was supposed to be. Why did my life fall apart?

I can't tell you how many times these questions have circulated round and round in my head. So many nights I find myself searching and pleading with God for answers that don't seem to exist. I crave my little girl so deeply I feel like I might explode some days. She would be two now, and I imagine her coming into my room because she can't sleep. I imagine her crawling into my lap as I gently cradle her and comfort her tears. I then find myself longing to hold her again, and yet it is my tears, and not hers I am wiping away.

 My heart is pleading to go back in time. Why did God need her.....I need her more!

I beg God to change the unchangeable because selfishly, I can't let go. I can't let go of wanting her back. I can't let go of missing her. I can't let go of the hurt. I can't get her back....but; I can let go and let God.

I am not sure why God choose me to the mother of an angel....I never thought I could. I never thought my heart could hurt and love with so much emotion all wrapped into one.

I never knew that I could be strong enough to be thankful for all I have been through and blessed for all God has shown me.

When your child dies, your heart is broken into a million pieces and you feel as though you must go through life as a broken puzzle, empty, lost....never the same again.

Along the journey, I realized that the puzzle was slowly being put back together and I had a choice to make.

I could be angry, bitter, and miserable for the rest of my life because my little girl was gone; none of which would ever bring her back or change what happened or, I could live. I could live through Christ who gives me hope and a future. He pulls me to my feet daily and allows me to smile and move forward. He reminds me that this life is short and one day I will see my sweet angel again.

I choose hope and I choose to be thankful. I am thankful for every minute of the 37 weeks He gave me with Bethany Hope. I am thankful for the sweet hiccups that kept me up night after night in my pregnancy. I am thankful for the little movements I would feel as she would wiggle and move across my belly. I am thankful for the precious 8 hours I got to hold her after she was born.

I'm thankful for the love of a Savior to pull me through even till the end.....

I am Forever Thankful for my Sweet Bethany Hope. She has made me who I am today!