Friday, March 11, 2011


I was reminded today how bitter sweet parenting children can be after you have lost a child. On one hand, you look at your children and know what a true blessing they are in your life. On the other hand, you imagine your angel and every little moment and detail you are missing with them.

            There is a part of you that longs to be the parent your children need you to be and yet your broken, empty, LOST.

            I think one of the hardest things for me has been answering questions that I have no answer to. My ten year old daughter was probably the one who took Bethany’s death the hardest, because she could understand the best. She had wanted and prayed for a baby sister throughout my entire pregnancy. She would talk to me about all the things she would help me do once the baby came.

 In some ways, I felt like I had let her down; I had shattered her entire world. She is a new and young Christian, so there is still so much she is learning and does not understand. Many times after Bethany died, she would ask me, “Mom, why would a God who loves us let you carry a baby the whole time, just to take it away?”  How on earth do I answer this question to a child, when deep down I’m thinking the same thing?

The only answer I have ever been able to give her is my honest answer: I don’t know, but I do know that no matter what we go through GOD will never leave our side. He is always right there waiting to hold our hand, and guide us through the storms of life.

I’m not sure; WAIT, I'm pretty sure I will never be able to answer that question for my children, and I know that many days I STILL struggle with wanting to be angry with GOD for what I have been through. The closer May approaches and Bethany’s 2nd birthday approaches, I find myself somewhat on edge and a little tense.

I know that God is trying to remind me that he is still there, and although some days I feel like pretending May doesn’t exist, because then I don’t have to relive that day or the moment my world came crashing down around me; God also reminds me that May 3, is a day I held one of the most beautiful little girls in the world, and I fell in love. Hurt may exist, but wrapped in that hurt is blanket of love I would not exchange for anything in this world

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  1. I can see how this would be difficult. I would remind your daughter that God is not the cause of your heart ache and loss because Job 34:10 reads, "Far be it from the true God to act wickedly, and the Almighty to act unjustly." Also bring out what 1 peter 5:7 that reads, "...he cares for you." God does care that your family lost a member and he promises to bring her back at Revelation 21:3,4- "God will wipe out every tear from [your] eyes and death will be no more...the former things have passed away." This is a sure promise of hope for those who have died, even babies. Just tell her that this is something that you nor God controlled and that soon He will bring her her in the bible...this might bring a sense of hope to her. If you want more information I am happy to help you share comforting scriptures for you and your kids.
    hope this helps-

  2. Thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog. I've been looking through your blog, and what a beautiful woman of God you are. I can't begin to imagine what you've been through. I will be praying for you, for that day in May, that God will give you comfort on that day. I tell the high school girls I lead that God's ways are not our ways, which is why we can't always understand them, and then I turn around myself and question Him. It's hard. This walk isn't easy, but I am so glad that we don't have to do it alone. -Grace

  3. is so hard to explain to our living children why their brother/sister is gone! I feel your pain on this one and my heart breaks for the kiddos that are "left behind."

    Big hugs to you!

  4. THanks....Scripture is the best place, and yes that is what we tell her.Felicia- I too think i have pulled every verse from the bible about healing :)Somedays, I make myself say them over and over again. WE also got her a journal to write in. She writes stories of things she and her sister would have done together, I think it has helped her a lot.

  5. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my blog... means so much to me. Know how you feel answering questions from our toddler... she's now getting old enough to ask about Gabrielle when we go to visit where she's buried etc. Sounds like you do an amazing job for your other children... thank you sharing this journey xoxo

  6. I wish I had the perfect answer and the perfect words to share that could help take all the hurt away. I find myself, just like you, only being able to say "God is in control, He NEVER leaves us, and HE is ALWAYS there by our side to carry us through anything"! You are in my prayers and know that if there is anything I can do, just let me know!


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