Thursday, March 3, 2011

We ALL fall Short

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God”. Romans 3:23
          It has been somewhat of a long day and as I crawl into bed and sit down at my lap top, my heart begins to ache. I had been struggling all day with finding just the right words to write another encouraging post, and nothing would come to me.
          I began to think back to most of the things I write about and I realized that for the most part they are all encouraging and uplifting. I have tried so hard to share the part of my heart that God has healed and encourage others who are walking through grief to see the parts of my story where God has uplifted me or encouraged me throughout the darkness.
Although this was my desire and my reason for starting my blog; I realized that fairy tale endings after heartache and loss are not the reality of living every day to day life. If im not 100% honest with you, then I am walking that that thin line of sounding like a hypocrite.
          The truth is; life is still hard at times. So many days I feel so inadequate to be the Christian, wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend that God has called me to be. So many times when my children are arguing, I feel too weak to play peace maker for the hundredth time. I often complain to my husband when I know I should have said nothing at all. I often seclude myself.  I think of the friendships I have missed out on, and what God might have had in store for them.
          So many nights as I crawl into bed, I feel as though I have fallen short in so many areas of my life, and I wonder how hard I really tried. I truly love my family with all my heart, and I have learned to not take them for granted, but I wonder how often I truly follow through with that.
          For so long after Bethany died I was hurt, angry, and bitter. Her death changed me in ways I never could have imagined. Slowly over time, those feelings escalated until my body practically exploded.
          I was becoming a different person right in front of my family, and I didn’t even realize it. I began taking my anger out on my children. I was yelling, and became easily agitated over things that had never bothered me before.
          God has gotten a hold of my heart and brought these things to my attention, and I am learning that each and every day is a gift and yet a struggle.  A gift that I can be here with the family God has given me, and yet a struggle to not hold on to the anger I once had.
          I have learned that we all fall short of Gods amazing grace; I sure know I do, and yet he still loves us and picks us up time after time.
I have learned about a million life lessons through my daughter’s death, but the one that I am still learning is that life is a lesson you learn daily. Every day is a new day that God has blessed me with, and so many of those days I still seem to get it wrong, and yet I know God is still there waiting to guide me and help me.
          I have been through more heartache and hard times at the age of 31 then most people go through in their whole life, and then I also know I have more blessings then people could ever even begin to imagine.
          I could easily escape into the worlds view and claim that it’s ok because I’m not perfect and I’m going to fall and have bad days; the problem with this is that it is an excuse to place my fears under. The Holy Spirit within me is perfect, and is there waiting daily and giving me a new chance to get it right.
          So, what are my options? Life is hard! So many days seems impossible! I can jump up down and be miserable and angry for what I have been through, or I can daily learn to allow Christ to lead my life and my heart until I reach heaven’s gates. My time here on Earth will not always be great, and I will inevitable have bad days, but I have to remember that each and every day is a new day and a new gift from God to start fresh….My encouraging you is also a way to encourage myself that we can get through this journey!
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  1. Amen! I just love this post...I have felt the same way so many times too..It is hard not to feel that way, and I too was not myself for a long time and would yell at my kids way too easily..I just lose my cool way too easily sometimes, and I find myself apologizing for yelling..I am like you in that I have realized that it is all me so I have been praying for more patience with my kids. Thanks so much for being makes me feel even more human!!

  2. I can relate to this completely! Most nights when I reflect back on my day, the first thing I always reflect on are my failures. There are many daily. I am so thankful for the grace God offers us and His forgiveness. Great post!

  3. Thank you for being the woman you are to have those encouraging posts and positive feelings with in you! I wish i could.

  4. I love your posts! You have brought out a certain positiveness that really radiates off the blog. Thank you for being so open and human for those like me you don't know.

  5. Such an honest post! I think that is all you can do. You don't always have to be encouraging and uplifting on your blog, because like to see honesty and when they see that they are not the ones that struggle through life's problems, then they are encouraged. I struggled with the same thing in my blog at the beginning. My Tagline was, singing through the rain: remaining positive through the storms of life. But when I miscarried before Adam, I had a hard time remaining positive, and people told me they were glad to see my honesty, and that it was their turn to encourage me! I know I struggle with the same things, falling short as a mom and a wife. sometimes I beat myself up over it so much. So you are not alone. I have been thinking about you often since we talked, you are in my prayers!

  6. Hi. My name is Mandy and I saw the comment you left on Kellie Staats blog. I saw her blog posted on facebook and have been reading it. My son Braden was stillborn on June 2, 2010, nine days before his due date. I have been struggling with what you have been talking about. I have felt so hurt and bitter. I have an 11 year old son. He is autistic, and I have found myself losing my patience with him more and more. This isn't who I want to be. I am trying so hard to hold on to all that God has given me. My son Christian is doing so much better than ever before and I am so grateful. I just wish that he had his little brother here too. I had waited for Braden for years, and I still can't understand why he was given to me to only be taken away. I looked at your pictures of Bethany and she was so beautiful. I would love to talk to you sometime if you would not mind. I don't have many people to share this grief with. My email is Mandy

  7. Thank you.... I think so many women feel this way and feel ashamed to say it. We have to support each other. MANDY, I sent you an E-mail but know that u are not alone.


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