Missing....

Give me this, give me that! Bless me Lord, I pray!

Give me what I think I need to make it through today.

My heart is pounding and my mind is racing with the here and now of what I think will make it all go away. I need a fix; a change. I can't live in this pain, hurt and fear anymore.

I want to burst from this bubble I've imbedded myself in and run from the darkness. I'm suffocating from within. So many days, I let this hurt capture me within my own body, and I feel like a prisoner dying to be set free.

I pray and beg God to make it all go away...give me anything to make it all better. I hate these days. They sneak up on me like a thief in the night. A random smell, place, or memory and BAM...I'm right back to the moment she was born. The moment they placed her in my arms and my world was changed forever!

Two and a half years later, and moments like these make it feel like yesterday. I miss her....I really miss her. There is a part of me that just wants to scream for God to give her back, and then there is that part that knows she is in a way better place.

The crazy thing is; I only held her in my arms for one day. I had one day to dress her, hold her, kiss her, and cuddle her, but I have a  lifetime to love her, and I can't imagine my life without ever having her.  

Through her death, Christ has shown me strength and courage I never wanted to have. I never wanted to put on a brave face. I never wanted to be strong enough to deal with the death of one of my children...I wanted to run. I wanted to run and fade away until there was nothing left, but God wanted more.

He had a plan for me and for her. He knew that through her 37 weeks of life, she would still bring joy and laughter into the world. I was ecstatic to be pregnant with my sweet girl. She brought so much joy into my life, and I loved every minute of being pregnant with her; I only wish I had known...

I wish I had known I was going to have to say good bye the moment I said hello. I wish I could kiss her perfect face just one more time....and yet that is where my joy comes in. I will! I will get to kiss her over and over again when I reach heavens gates, and my heart can't wait!

This world is yet a vapor, and heaven is an ETERNITY....Praise God I WILL see her again!