~Our eyes met and I feared the inevitable, and yet no matter what I did I still could not stop the words coming from her mouth, “You look great, when was the baby born?" My heart sunk as tears filled my already swollen eyes as I gently responded, “She didn’t make it."
It did not matter what she said at that point, I knew she felt bad, but I wanted to run as far from creation as my feet could take me. I guess a part of me had hoped people somehow knew and I would be sheltered from the awkward conversations. Unfortunately, this lady was not the first to ask about my baby.
It had only been two weeks since my daughter’s stillbirth, and I was far from ready to be in public, but had no choice. My four year old son was graduating preschool and had to have his mommy there. My entire being wanted to wrap a dark blanket around my body and vanish into the back of the crowd praying no one would notice me; not quite my luck.
I barely got inches into the church building and was greeted with hugs and apologies for my loss, which instantly brought tears to my eyes; so much for blending in. I listened as one mother gently put her hand on mine and said, “These things happen, I’m sorry for your loss”. I looked up and simply walked away as I tried to process what she had said. There was a part of me that was angry at her words because I thought, “No, these things DO NOT just happen”! I finally made it to my seat and felt as though as I was in some dream; this could not be my life.
I watched my son sing his heart out, and I had to fight the tears from streaming down my face. While one child stands here singing songs of joy for graduating preschool; my other child is hearing songs of praise straight from heavens gates. How my heart aches for her and yet envy’s her.
My heart kept going back to that day. May 2 was a day filled with love and laughter as my church showered me with love. It was a long, hot and exhausting day.
That evening after putting away the baby gifts; I climbed into bed to crash for the evening. I quietly laid in bed waiting for my sweet baby to begin dancing in my belly as she did every night when I crawled into bed, and yet this night there was a disturbing silence and stillness like never before. I jumped out of bed and drank a soda to hopefully disturb her silence and laid back down pushing my tummy all around. My heart began to pound faster and faster as I watched the clock tick minute by minute and still no movement. I called the doctor and all I heard were her cold words saying, “Come in NOW”. I practically ran out the door telling my husband I was only going to get reassurance that everything was ok, yet I think I knew in my heart that everything was NOT ok.
The fifteen minute drive to the hospital felt like an eternity. With tears rolling down my face, I prayed and begged God to let my baby be ok, and yet he gave me no reassurance. The more I begged God to show me things were ok, the more I felt like God was saying things were not ok. It was as if he was trying to prepare my heart for the worst moment in my life, and I did not want to listen.
I think I must have morphed myself into the hospital room, because I do not remember parking or checking in. I remember lying on the hospital bed and the look on the nurse’s face as she said, “I can’t find the heartbeat. Hold on." Five other nurses’ then came in with an ultrasound machine. They tried so hard to not let me see, but I saw my curled up and lifeless baby girl on the screen of that machine as the nurse turned and looked at me and said, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat."
I screamed, “God NO, God WHY?" My entire world came crashing down with those six words, and I knew I would never be the same.
May 3, 2009, is a day that will forever be in embedded in my heart and soul. It is a day when my sweet baby girl was born into this world, only to already be in the arms of Jesus. It was a day that I held pure love in my arms and watched as my heart was ripped into a million pieces. It was a day that I never thought I could endure.
My world crashed and burned faster than I could breath once Bethany died. I turned away from everyone I loved and buried myself in my grief. I began to write in my journal because it was the only way I knew how to express what my heart was feeling, but my mouth could not say.
2 1/2 years later, God turned my healing heart and journal writings into a book. I never thought I could reveal such intimate details about my life and my heart, but I knew that this was God's plan; Bethany's purpose. I pray that through my words, others can see Christ. I learned that my forever was never going to be without my daughter because my forever has yet to begin.
I will spend eternity with my sweet girl in my happy... ever... after....
I had imagined the moment I held my newborn baby girl a million times. I had fanaticized how amazing it would be, and yet the reality of that moment simply overwhelmed me. The moment Bethany Hope was placed in my arms was not the fairy tale I had imaged; far from it, but it was a moment were I instantly fell head over heels in love. I saw perfection upon looking in her perfect little soul. I saw my Savior.
I had imagined the moment I held my newborn baby girl a million times. I had fanaticized how amazing it would be, and yet the reality of that moment simply overwhelmed me. The moment Bethany Hope was placed in my arms was not the fairy tale I had imaged; far from it, but it was a moment were I instantly fell head over heels in love. I saw perfection upon looking in her perfect little soul. I saw my Savior.
This is beautiful. You are so strong.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story again. Some day id love to read your book
ReplyDeleteI didn't really know your story, glad that you shared your most personal moments with your baby girl ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI have to say I often wonder how women come back from a loss like this when they don't have older children. I think that was a big thing that helped me get through my loss. My living children needed a mother.
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